I just don't know.
Well, we were friends since high school (although she remembers me from 8th grade), but never dated. We even went through the majority of our college years without being a couple. But finally, after years of just "hanging out" we mutually decided that we should try taking our relationship to the next level.
The next 4 years of my life were colorful and fun. Being together intimately showed me a side of her that I had never seen before, and I'm sure she would say the same. We found out that we were polar opposites on many levels, but it was a good thing. We complemented each other. She was reserved, yet driven; Neat and organized, and always planned ahead. I kind of flew by the seat of my pants, and though I was driven, I went where I went with an almost reckless abandon; And I never planned ahead. Until I was with her.
She became more laid back and relaxed. I became more goal oriented and responsible. Though we had a few minor squabbles, we were always level headed enough to meet each other half way and work things out. All was right in the world.
After four years, we fell into a rut. She got laid off, and my job wasn't exactly a "career". She wanted to move on to the next level, and I was scared. She wanted to move in together and we weren't set financially to do so. We both started looking for new jobs, but neither one of us was successful. 6 months would pass.
Her resentment started to build. We became distant. We became tired. She accused me of not taking our future together seriously. I accused her of being impatient and judgmental. She told me she wanted out. A month passed.
During that month, I thought about what I really wanted. I missed her. We talked, and I told her I was willing to fix our situation if she was. She told me she was still mad and needed time to think about whether or not she wanted to be together again.
A few weeks later we decided to try and reconcile our differences and start over. She said it would be unfair or her not to at least give me a chance at redemption.
We went out again for the first time in almost 2 months. I was scared. She seemed fine. As we were walking out of the restaurant toward my car I stopped her. I kissed her, held her close, and told her that I missed her. She looked at me and smiled.
When we got in the car and went for a short ride. I leaned over and tried to kiss her again, and she pulled away. She said that she missed me, but she didn't miss being a couple. She told me that she felt that I missed it more than she did. I felt like dying. I drove her home.
She said she wanted to see more of me, but didn't know if she wanted us to be together again. I told her that I wanted more than to be her friend. She asked me if I was ever going to talk to her again. At first I shook my head "no", then said I didn't know. I kissed her hand, and she got out of the car. She walked to her door and went inside, and I called her phone, asking her to come back out for a second.
I got out of the car and walked around to meet her at the end of her driveway. I hugged her close. She hugged me back. I took a deep breath. I could smell her hair. My eyes welled up. I told her I loved her as we held each other. She said nothing. I turned and started walking, breaking our embrace. Her hand glided down my extended arm as I moved toward the car. The last thing I felt were her fingertips as they slid off of mine when I turned away.
I got into the car and drove away. She stood in her driveway and watched me leave. That was 4 hours ago.
And that's that. I don't know if we'll ever be together again, but I hope so. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and it feels like we didn't really give it our all to make it through this.
I hope she loves me as much as I love her.
I hope she'll give us another chance.
I hope for hope.