I just want her back

by Colette

My mum had a series of health problems when I was growing up, She was always in and out of hospital so by the time I was 7 I had moved in full time with my grandparents. As this happened she was in a car crash, causing one of the vessels carrying blood to her heart to burst. She was in a coma for a week but miraculously pulled through. She underwent a lot of very serious operations..But she survived. And at 7 years old, she gave me hope. She was a fighter, and I knew it. Even though she got put on 47 tablets a day in order to survive. She pushed on.

My dad had left when I was a baby so it was just me and her, then my sister came along and it was us three against the world. I know after the car crash she suffered from depression and considered suicide. I found her letter she wrote to me and my sister. Things seemed to be getting better after it, she realised what she had and swore she'd never give it up. When I was 10 and my sister was around 4, She met a boyfriend named 'Donny'. I never took a particular likening to him, we werent close in a way. But my mum always put me first. But 'Donny' started to seriously abuse her. He got arrested and my mum was left to pick up the pieces with broken ribs..She seemed okay after that, it was back to being us three and my grandparents. Of course social workers were involved and arranged me and my sister were to stay with my mum from Saturday-Wednesday, and my gran would take us the rest of the week. Things seemed to be back on track..

Then, on the 27th of November 2009. I was 11 at the time, something turned my world upside down. It was around 2'oclock and I was in science at school when my Pastoral Care teacher came to the door and asked for me. She called me out the class so I stood outside the door. She just looked at me, in the eyes, and said 'Go get your bag and jacket honey'. I was a bit strucken she had called me honey so I went back into class. My friends where filled with jealousy as I laughed walking out the class, making it obvious I was going home. We all hated science. I was walking down the corridor with the teacher and she said my auntie was coming to pick me up early. But she didnt mention why. When my auntie arrived my sister was in the car, all smiles. My auntie smiled at me and said 'Oh Im just doing your gran a favour'. It was Friday, I remember this for some reason. She took me for a Mcdonalds and then took me back to hers. She stays above my gran, which is lucky. I sat in hers until 6'oclock playing playstation games with my cousin with my sister. We never really had a good relationship with her side of the family so it was odd seeing other members of my family show up at my door. They all looked pale,and a bit red eyed. I guessed it was from the cold. At around 6 she took me down the stairs with my sister to my gran who was sitting shaking..This time I knew something bad had happened.

My granda put me, my gran and sister in the car and took me to my other aunties house (my stepdads sister). I looked at my sisters dad as a real dad. I remember driving up thinking to myself, as my gran held my hand. 'Something bad has happened to my mum..'. I got in the house and my sister was sent up stairs to play with my little cousin who was older than her. I was sitting on the couch when my stepdad walked in. He sat next to me, I couldnt look at him in the eye, they were already filled with tears. He said 'I need to talk to you sweetheart'. I tried to give him a weak smile and i felt my voice thickening up. 'Yes dad?' I asked. He looked down, 'Its your mum..Im sorry honey..Shes took a heart attack..' At this moment tears started spilling down my cheeks. I knew the answer was in my head so I dont know why I asked him but I said 'Well is she okay? Is she in hospital'. Then he started to cry and said 'Her little heart just gave up sweetheart'..

At they words my world started to crumble. I kept screaming, I couldnt stop. I was given a glass of water and I dropped it. I was shaking. My stepdad and mum broke up just after my sister was born but they still remained friends for our sake..

Please, Ive kept this bottled for almost 3 years. I just need comfort and support. I need someone to talk to. My mum passed on the friday and I went back into school on the monday. Obviously I was broken,I just tried to stay strong. Im turning 15 in December, I need my mum. :(

Comments for I just want her back

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Nov 13, 2012
I just want her back
by: Doreen U.K.

Colette I am sorry for your loss of your mother. Because you were so very young you did what many young people do. You stuff your feelings down so hard and carry on with life and now the grief is catching up with you.
I really feel that you should see a grief counsellor to help you to not only come to terms with the loss of your mum but also to support you whilst you work through the repressed grief. I use to repress a lot it became a way of coping and it is hard to get at all those emotions and feelings to deal with them. They do affect your life if they are so deep down that it affects the way you live. You would come out of counselling a much happier and integrated person from your pain and sorrow and your Healing process will start. If you have any aunts or female older members of your family they could be of great support to you at this time. You are so young to have lost your mum, and will need nurturing from older members in the family to help you as you mature into a woman. You have gone through so much already which would have made you have to grow up quicker than most. You may feel bewilderded for some time trying to feel your way around this difficult fast changing world. Put the right people in your life and try and make friends who you will have for life. We all need someone in life and I hope you are Blessed with Friendships and someone who will be your mentor and help guide you in life, till you are able to find your own future.

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