I just want my grandpa back

by Katie
(US)

I cant stop crying today. all day at work i had to go into the bathroom just to cry, then compose myself. at points it gets so bad i feel like i cant breath or i want to scream.

i woke up to a missed call and an email from my dad saying to call him. i knew right away and yet it seemed so unreal. my grandmother died about two years ago. it was a particularly bad time because i was the victim of a sexual assault a few days before. i never told my family. i went to the funeral devastated about the loss of my grandma and suffering because of so many other things that i kept to myself. i remember feeling as if the world was kicking me. it was really too much to handle.

So the past two years my grandpa went from being a very active (he was in his early 90's and running every day) and intelligent, independent man to slowly succumbing to dementia. It bothered me tremendously that he was living alone this entire time and i blame that for his mind slowly beginning to fail. I spent a few days with him the summer after my Grandmother passed away. It broke my heart to see him alone and i wished so bad that i lived closer to him or could have been the one to take care of him.

Things got really bad this last summer when he fell and broke his hip. He had a surgery and physically recovered as well as he could but mentally he was losing his grip on reality. I would call him and he would wonder where my grandmother is and why she hasn't come home yet. It broke my heart. I saw him in January and by this time he looked much different. It seemed like he had aged several years over a few months. he looked like a tiny version of himself. But he was still my grandpa. He knew who I was but seemed to think we were somewhere else. When I new that it was time to say goodbye I couldn't stop crying but i didn't want him to see me like that. I knew in my heart it would be the last time that I would see him.

I talked to him about a week ago and his voice sounded strong but he was more confused. But I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. When i heard that he had made a turn for the worst and the end was hear i kept thinking i should call just so he can hear m voice but then i waited and now it's too late. And now I can never hear his voice again. I regret so badly all the times i was too busy to call or not spending more time with him. And now I can't and I will never be able to have the choice to call him again because he's gone. It feels unbearable.

Someone mentioned on another post that within the first 72 hours is the most likely that someone's spirit will visit you. How can I make this happen? I just need to feel his presence, to tell him I love him and will never forget him. I keep wondering where he is right now. heaven, reincarnated, nowhere, or somewhere in between? How can I find out?

Comments for I just want my grandpa back

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Apr 03, 2013
I miss my grandpa too
by: Anonymous

My grandpa and grandma are moving away.i just wish I could come,but I would miss my friends too.i am really sorry

Feb 21, 2013
im where youve been (cont.)
by: Brandon

nearly done with my Bachelors degree and grandma witnessed as i became the first to earn a degree in our family other than herself when i completed my Associates in june 2011. Im so afraid that when this is over i will suffer the devastation that is my demon's return and annihilate the life ive given my every breath to build.
I came here looking for help for grandpa and have instead revealed the lost soul that is Brandon.
If anyone can relate or advise due to experience im begging.if my story helps someone who is feeling as vulnerable im glad.

Feb 21, 2013
im where youve been
by: Brandon

My grandma died January 28 and my grandpa will be 90 in May. January 6th was their 62nd anniversary. Grandma was just given 3 months the night before Thanksgiving- she went FAST. My mama, aunt, uncle and i take turns being here with my hero. He has not been alone since before she died. I was the one who found her dead.
At first it seemed like grandpa was actually taking better than any of us, but now im starting to worry about him.
Grandpa has glaucoma and doesnt see well at all, but he has been "seeing grandma" with increasing regularity and in what seems like more peculiar places each time. I stay the nights with grandpa from wednesday thru saturday nights, and my uncle is here the other 3. Tonight is wednesday, and when i came back today i have found a different grandpa than i left a couple short days ago.
I googled this subject looking for a way to help, but from the posts im reading the outcome sounds inevitable.
For those who have been blessed with distance, i assure you it wouldnt be easier to deal with if you had been there. With 11 other cousins in the same town who have been completely absent since this began in November, i have wondered how they would live with the fact they havent been here more? As this reality is unfolding i sometimes think that they have been the wise ones who havent subjected themselves to the constant torch er of enduring the story as a main character. Dont know how they feel so i couldnt tell you which way it hurts less.
I will never regret the sacrifice it has been to spend more of my nights alone in grandmas bed and no one else here but my hero than i am at home with my amazingly supportive better half in each others arms in our bed, but there are times when i wonder what will be left of me when this situation reaches its unchangeable conclusion?
It is SO important to me for them both to know how much they mean to me as there journeys come to an end, but i fear that the good deed i am giving my soul to do is going to leave nothing but a shell where i stood before.
I am an undeniably degenerate addict, and this gorilla first took over my life as a young child. In an extremely religious family i am the only one to ever see what the corrections departments of this country look like on the inside, and of their 16 grandkids i caused them more pain than all other 15 combined. I was released for the last time in December 2008 and after over a dozen years away have dedicated my life to achieving the accomplishments grandma imagined i would for these four years since.
I am

Feb 28, 2012
Hole in my chest overcome with sadness
by: Kim

My grandmother passed away 4 days ago. She was 80 years old and believe it or not she was actually in good health. She was starting to slowly develop some dementia in the sense that she would say she was going back home to Costa Rica and was seeing her sisters who had already passed on. She lived by herself and refused to move in to my parents house so they could help her with cooking cleaning laundry.. Things she wasnt able to do anymore. I am feeling regretful that I didn't spend more time with her. I think a part of me knew that she was getting old and it just hurt me too much to see her that way. She raised me and my 3 sisters, living with us until I was 14 yrs old. Although I spoke to her on the phone about once a week or so, I last saw her when I visited in December. I told her my new husband and I were moving and she expressed how happy she was for us. I know she knew I loved her, but the thing I regret is that things got so crazy these last 2 months, we found a new city, started new schools, quit my old job, interviewed and hired for a new company, clesned out our old apt and uhauled back and forth our belongings lots of paper work and boxes to load and unload.... And in the middle of it all, I don't know why I didn't go visit her. The last trip we made before finally moving everything, I thought to myself I should go see my grandma, I don't know why I didn't stop and it's eating me up inside that now I can never go talk to her. I'm crying as I write this because I feel like such a selfish person for just having fun moving to a big city. The night we left, as we were driving off it hit me, omg im gonna be 4hrs away we are really moving... I called my grandma at midnight and told her I'm sorry I got so busy and didn't stop by... she told me "oh no I feel happy when you call" I started crying and it hit even harder that I should've stopped by in person but I thought to myself we will be back in a month for a baby shower I'll see her then.... Here it is 3 weeks later and I'm back for her funeral... I know everyone tells me to think of the good times I had with her but not seeing her before leaving adds a different element of guilt and remorse. I can not bear to think that if only I had said bye and not felt bad before leaving that maybe I wouldn't feel AS bad now. I just don't know, if you are still reading this thank you I just really don't know. I mean when I left I felt guilty and now that she's gone that guilt is magnified 1000x over. I just honestly thought I had more time woth her abd fidnt realize how important or was for me to see her in person vs calling... I'm just feeling so regretful and empty inside... Any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Thank you and god bless everyone going through this difficult time.

Nov 11, 2011
i miss my grampa more than anything forever
by: kiki

my grampa lived the awful life of being in an orphanage. foster homes, world wars, beatings, and he is my favourite person in the entire world. i miss him more than anything. i cry all the time, i look at photos of grampa, he was such a kind giving person.
he called me kiki. i know i was his favourite grandchild (of 7) but meh, didn't change anything. i was with my grampa every weekend. when i turned 16 i moved in with gramps. u wouldn't understand how muchn i miss him. i just want to see him again.
dont know how much more i can bear without grampa. please tell him, someone, that i love him forever xx

May 19, 2011
Take Heart
by: Suzanne Australia

Dear Katie

I read your post and cried. I lost my Grandad in 2004 after two years of dementia. Its heartbreaking to watch and i understand the guilt and the fact expecting death does not ease the blow.

Your going to make it through this. Its normal to cry all the time and feel like your bearely holding it together. I want to address the guilt first. Dementia is an insidious disease of the mind. There is nothing that can be done and being alone does not cause dementia. if you lived closer or were there everyday it would not ease your loss and would not have changed anything. take heart after seeing it myself that often they dont know who is there or who is not. I have no doubt in my mind he knew you loved him with all your heart and i have no doubt he is standing with you now sending you all the comfort and love he can.

your need to see or feel him and desperate need for him back etc is normal. thats the price of losing those we love. I believe that those we love are with us weather we sense them or not. if you get a sign or dont i have no doubt the love you had for him travelled with him and is coming back at you. you dont need a sign to tell you that. its in the heart. Get through this one moment at a time and know love is often felt in the heart not expressed in words. loves eternal. may you find comfort and strength in the days ahead.

May 06, 2011
Your Grandpa
by: Zoe

I am a widow. My grandpa died a long time ago. But I was very close to him. You cannot make your loved one come to you and there is no time limit. I am moving things in my livingroom and I have a wall I was thinking of moving the pictures and putting a bookcase there. Before I went to bed I said sweetie let me know what you think of a bookcase there. Got up the next morning was walking through to let the dog out and the pictures were sitting neatly on the floor, the hooks were out of the wall. Now let me just say that I know lots of things can happen but I do not live on a fault line. When you loose someone close, sometimes you just have to be still and listen, and it will come, you will know, it may be very subtle, like thinking of him and suddenly his favorite song is on the radio. or pictures stacking themselves on the floor, or a million other stories. My John has been gone for a year.
Your grandfather knew you loved him. The now that he lost to dementia allowed him to be in a time when your grandmom was still there, I know it was hard on you to see, but that may not a bad place for him to have been.
Grief is a long and hard road, know you can come here when you want and we will listened, we do understand.
and remember, when all else fails
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

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