I just want my grandpa back
I cant stop crying today. all day at work i had to go into the bathroom just to cry, then compose myself. at points it gets so bad i feel like i cant breath or i want to scream.
i woke up to a missed call and an email from my dad saying to call him. i knew right away and yet it seemed so unreal. my grandmother died about two years ago. it was a particularly bad time because i was the victim of a sexual assault a few days before. i never told my family. i went to the funeral devastated about the loss of my grandma and suffering because of so many other things that i kept to myself. i remember feeling as if the world was kicking me. it was really too much to handle.
So the past two years my grandpa went from being a very active (he was in his early 90's and running every day) and intelligent, independent man to slowly succumbing to dementia. It bothered me tremendously that he was living alone this entire time and i blame that for his mind slowly beginning to fail. I spent a few days with him the summer after my Grandmother passed away. It broke my heart to see him alone and i wished so bad that i lived closer to him or could have been the one to take care of him.
Things got really bad this last summer when he fell and broke his hip. He had a surgery and physically recovered as well as he could but mentally he was losing his grip on reality. I would call him and he would wonder where my grandmother is and why she hasn't come home yet. It broke my heart. I saw him in January and by this time he looked much different. It seemed like he had aged several years over a few months. he looked like a tiny version of himself. But he was still my grandpa. He knew who I was but seemed to think we were somewhere else. When I new that it was time to say goodbye I couldn't stop crying but i didn't want him to see me like that. I knew in my heart it would be the last time that I would see him.
I talked to him about a week ago and his voice sounded strong but he was more confused. But I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. When i heard that he had made a turn for the worst and the end was hear i kept thinking i should call just so he can hear m voice but then i waited and now it's too late. And now I can never hear his voice again. I regret so badly all the times i was too busy to call or not spending more time with him. And now I can't and I will never be able to have the choice to call him again because he's gone. It feels unbearable.
Someone mentioned on another post that within the first 72 hours is the most likely that someone's spirit will visit you. How can I make this happen? I just need to feel his presence, to tell him I love him and will never forget him. I keep wondering where he is right now. heaven, reincarnated, nowhere, or somewhere in between? How can I find out?