I just want to hear his voice
by Kelli Fox
(San Clemente, CA)
It was September 5th 2012, two days before my 34th birthday that my dad passed away. He had just retired 15 months before and moved to Arizona from California. I was burned and raised here and this was the first time I had ever lived more then an hour from either one of my parents. I got off of work on thursday august 30th around 10 pm and got a message from my step mom saying that he was in ICU. this came as a shock because I didn't think he was that sick, no one did. I flew out the next morning. He was intubated and heavily sedated. I would never hear his voice again. Six long, hopeful, tearful days later he passed. Only hours before he passed did we learn that he had leukemia . His mom died when he was 36 of the same thing. In all of the tests that were run on my dad, and the family history it was never found. So today is 12 days since he has passed. I am numb. I cried a lot after he passed. But when I flew home, 8 days ago, I have only cried twice. I feel like I am heartless. I am so sad, I can not stop thinking about it. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, but I am. I am not married, never have been and he won't be here to walk me down the isle or even give his blessing when I do meet that person. My brother is getting married next month and he was cheated to. Cheated is the optimal word. I feel to young to have lost him, he was only 68.
I am also scared. Scared to feel the pain. Scared for when it "hits me" I did have an oprah ugly cry tonight. I live by myself, and was reading the memorial page that we have for him. I need to stop doing that o myself but still want to read peoples stories. I keep thinking how awful I feel that I was not with him when he passed. It was at 2:50 am. I got the call when he was coding and told them to let him go. Did he hear me when I told him I loved him? That it was ok to go be with his mom and to come and visit me? I am waiting for a sign that he is still here, with me. I just want to hear him say,"hello sweetums" or when I need that swift kick of reality " life goes on" comment that I hated hearing yet keep on chanting in my head. I am now a part of a society that has lost a parent and you only know the feeling if you have expierenced it. I don't want to be a part of this club. I want the emptiness and void to go away. I am so bummed that he won't see me succeed to my fullest potential. I never got to have that moment of picking up a large dinner bill and the proud expression on his face when I did. He didn't get to enjoy his retirement. something he was counting down since I was a kid. I am so mad about that. I mad, scared,hurt,empty and numb