I just want to hear his voice

by Kelli Fox
(San Clemente, CA)

It was September 5th 2012, two days before my 34th birthday that my dad passed away. He had just retired 15 months before and moved to Arizona from California. I was burned and raised here and this was the first time I had ever lived more then an hour from either one of my parents. I got off of work on thursday august 30th around 10 pm and got a message from my step mom saying that he was in ICU. this came as a shock because I didn't think he was that sick, no one did. I flew out the next morning. He was intubated and heavily sedated. I would never hear his voice again. Six long, hopeful, tearful days later he passed. Only hours before he passed did we learn that he had leukemia . His mom died when he was 36 of the same thing. In all of the tests that were run on my dad, and the family history it was never found. So today is 12 days since he has passed. I am numb. I cried a lot after he passed. But when I flew home, 8 days ago, I have only cried twice. I feel like I am heartless. I am so sad, I can not stop thinking about it. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, but I am. I am not married, never have been and he won't be here to walk me down the isle or even give his blessing when I do meet that person. My brother is getting married next month and he was cheated to. Cheated is the optimal word. I feel to young to have lost him, he was only 68.
I am also scared. Scared to feel the pain. Scared for when it "hits me" I did have an oprah ugly cry tonight. I live by myself, and was reading the memorial page that we have for him. I need to stop doing that o myself but still want to read peoples stories. I keep thinking how awful I feel that I was not with him when he passed. It was at 2:50 am. I got the call when he was coding and told them to let him go. Did he hear me when I told him I loved him? That it was ok to go be with his mom and to come and visit me? I am waiting for a sign that he is still here, with me. I just want to hear him say,"hello sweetums" or when I need that swift kick of reality " life goes on" comment that I hated hearing yet keep on chanting in my head. I am now a part of a society that has lost a parent and you only know the feeling if you have expierenced it. I don't want to be a part of this club. I want the emptiness and void to go away. I am so bummed that he won't see me succeed to my fullest potential. I never got to have that moment of picking up a large dinner bill and the proud expression on his face when I did. He didn't get to enjoy his retirement. something he was counting down since I was a kid. I am so mad about that. I mad, scared,hurt,empty and numb

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Dec 03, 2012
i know how you hurt. I relate to your pain :(
by: Lee (from Canada)

On Aug 21st 2012 my dad at the age of 54 was put on life support because he had pneumonia and would not go get looked at. HE had had a kidney transplant 4 yrs prior, also a heart operation,and in march his leg amputated from gangrene. His issues were all related to diabetes. He was so sick before going into the hosp but he came to my oldest daughters going away to college party on aug 18th. So the day he was put on life support it was my wedding anniv as well as my due date for my 6th child. The Wed i drove an hour and a half to go see him in icu. As i was visiting i went into labor. Aug 23rd i had my baby. I went back to visit my dad on aug26th. I told him his grandson was born. On aug 27th we took my oldest 5 hrs away to college. The next day, august 28th 2012 @ 1:40pm I lost my father. He never got to hold or see his new grandchild. Its been just over 3 months and im still devasted. I understand your sadness, your pain, your heartache. You feel as though you have been robbed of having him be apart of special things that will happen in your life as I feel the same because he will never see or hold my baby who was born just 5 days before he passed. My heart aches for you truly. I am so sorry for your loss as well as your families loss, and friends loss. All we can do now is share memories with people around us. Keep the memories alive.

Oct 09, 2012
Kelli, I'm sorry
by: Vicki - TN

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. When I read your post it is similar to the situation with my dad. He died on September 6th, after being admitted to the hospital on September 1st, intubated and started on a ventilator. He was put into a drug induced coma for his comfort. He suffered from COPD for several years but had been discharged from the hospital a week before he went on the ventilator and he was doing fine. Over the 6 days he spent on the ventilator, he was never conscious - the doctors told us he would need a trach and would need to be continued on 100% ventilator support or the ventilator could be removed. My dad did not have a living will or advanced directive so my siblings and I had to make the choice for him. Some of the nurses told us that he had been doing worse and worse and we had a lot of advice telling us that doing the trach wouldn't be best for him. We decided to remove the ventilator. He died 6 hours after that. We sat with him the whole time, telling him we love him and that he could go. That day haunts me terribly, and what we went through watching him die. He was 67 years old. He didn't deserve to die. He was a wonderful man. I miss him so much every day. I know you miss your dad too. This club is NOT a fun club at all. I know that others who haven't been through this don't understand, but I also know there are a lot of people like you and I who have been through this and we understand each other. Please hang in there and know that this process is going to take us awhile. I don't think its going to be all better next week, or next month, or even after that. I keep faith that it will get better, and we'll be forever different, but come to peace with this tragedy. God bless you.

Oct 02, 2012
I just want to hear his voice
by: Amanda

Try asking him to visit you in your dreams. I would have thought that was totally weird before but now I don't. I lost my dad 10 weeks ago. I asked him to visit me in my dreams and waited. When I had a dream about him it was so comforting. It was his voice exactly loud and clear. The dream made no sense otherwise, but I can still see and hear it.

I am sorry you lost your dad. I too got a call my dad was in ICU. I was shocked and drove 2 hours to him and he was gone in 24 hours. He was hooked up to machines and could not talk to me. It is very difficult and very scary to lose a dad.

Sep 19, 2012
I just want to hear his voice
by: Doreen U.K.

Kelli I am sorry for your loss of your dad. It is the worst experience of pain ever to lose a loved one. I lost my husband 4 1/2 months ago to cancer. My husband was 65yrs. and looking forward to retirement. Steve worked 47yrs to built up his pension and then he never got to enjoy this as he died 11 months into retirement when he was so very ill with cancer he didn't have any quality of life. I nursed him for over 3yrs. and he died a slow painfull death. I still can't believe he is gone. Steve was looking forward to his retirement. This hurts me a lot. Time for us and now I have to live with lonliness and emptiness. Life is so very cruel. A man works hard all his life and many don't get to reap the benefits. They have earned the right to enjoy some quality time. It hurts me every time I think of this. I know how you feel. My husband won't get to see his 2 grandchildren grow up, or spend time with them. If my youngest daughter gets married, her dad won't get to see this or walk her down the aisle. My son got married last year in a castle in Wales in England and Steve was very ill but made it down for this. It was a great wedding but sad that Steve was so very ill. You will have so many memories come back that will hurt. e.g. your father's favourite food, his favourite TV programmes, His favourite places to visit. Christmas's past, anniversaries, birthday's. Any occassion for celebrating together. It is only TIME that will heal us from our sorrow and allow us to go on with our lives.

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