I just want to Scream!

by Yvonne
(California)

Roger has been gone 2 years. But i am feeling the pain so bad! I just want to scream at someone. I want to say why don't you understand. I dont want that Christmas tree, because he isnt here to help me decorate it. I don't want decorations I don't want anything. I miss him so much, I can hardly stand it. My family has no concept. I have no close friends he was my best friend and we did everything together. Happy and merry have no meaning. I am so lonely!!

Comments for I just want to Scream!

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May 14, 2013
Thanks
by: DJ

Doreen
Thank You. You expressed a lot of what I am feeling but could not put into words. I am sorry
for all of our losses. It is so painful.

May 13, 2013
Not Alone
by: Doreen U.K.

DJ I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. I am glad you found this site especially in your situation where you are so isolated from public services. It is a pity you are not able to access seeing a grief counsellor or get to a grief group as this would help you a lot. You would meet people in the same situation as yourself who would understand. You wouldn't have to put on a front as you do for your friends so that they know you are coping and moving forward. This is one part us widows/widowers have to keep from our friends. Unless a person has lost someone like us then they won't know how devastating and unbearable this loss is. A pain one can't express. It has to be felt before it can be understood. WE are all in the worst stage of our lives when we lose our life partner. It means we have to start over again. Change is not so easy as we get older. WE then go through life and need our partner/husband's input and we then realise we have to make so many decisions on our own. It is going to take us years before we can get our rhythm back. The isolation, anger, lonliness, and emptiness are the new problems we have to process as this becomes our life now. I was married 44yrs. half a lifetime. We lost our retirement TOGETHER for the rest of our life so I do this alone. I hope that your friends continue to be supportive to you as this is most helpful to grief. If they are good friends they won't see you as a burden. They will stand by you forever. Feelings and memories will keep coming up and you have to deal with them so your friends should be understanding. State your needs your friends may surprise you. Best wishes.

May 12, 2013
Not alone
by: DJ

Just came across this site because for the first time since my husband died 12/26/2012 I want to scream. Have never felt so isolated or lonely and angry. At least I know I am not alone. There are no grief counseling places in my rural area or I would join. Do not want to be a burden to my friends who have helped me so much and think that I am doing so well. Family lives in another state. Thanks for letting me vent.

Dec 20, 2012
You are right
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous, YES! You must resist the thoughtless remarks of others who can't understand your loss.
We must choose our CONFIDANTS carefully otherwise they can compound our pain and we can get stuck in our grief.
God is our Help and a very Present Help in trouble. He created us. Because we live in a sinful world we will DIE. But we will rise again to a new life where Bondage will end. WE will be FREE and we will never DIE. This is God's Promise to us and I encourage each and everyone with this Promise. HOLD ON. God is going to take us through this Grief journey and Heal us. It is a slow process. Let us continue to support each other in our Pain and Loss.

Dec 20, 2012
No Decorations this would be insensitive
by: Doreen U.K.

Elle I know what you mean. How can we, who have lost our husbands carry on as if nothing has happened. How insensitive of people to suggest that we enter a new phase of life where we date etc. I could feel angry at such suggestions even if they are not meant to hurt us. they are thoughtless remarks. Only when they go through a loss like this will they GET IT.
I also have all the Christmas decorations up in the loft. NO WAY. can I take these out and put them up. I still have to cook dinner for my daughter and 2 of her guests so I make an effort to cook for everyone. But there will be no decorations. The guests won't expect there to be overt happiness. They too feel the loss of my husband. I don't know how I will feel. It will just be a normal day. I will be glad when the day is over. So many people are excited around us at Christmas that almost feels offensive to those who are suffering. But as life goes on we just have to get through this day as best as we can. I hope Elle that you will be Comforted and Hugged by God so that you don't feel so ALONE. I wish this for each and everyone grieving a LOSS.

Dec 20, 2012
Go On -Scream!
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, I've been where you are. My husband and i were the same way. never out and about with out each other. This will be my 3rd Christmas and New Year with out my love. There is an empty feeling ...but...I still put up some decorations just in case he stops by to see how I'm doing. I do it just for that reason. He will see that I'm trying to be okay and keep our home the way he loved it. He will see it decorated very simply, not overdone. It was his favorite time of the year. Plus if a friend stops by they will see I'm trying to move forward and do for myself.

I know our loves would want us to move on and enjoy our lives because it's too short to spend being miserable. We eventually let go and let God care for them now. Our job is done. We know we loved them and cared for them with all our being so there is no guilt there.

So go on and scream...it may help you to move forward a bit.

We can not let others define us as the grieving widow. If you lived near me here in Canoga Park I'd make sure you joined me on a night out to watch some good entertainment. If you are close to me let me know and we'll make an effort to get you moving.

Dec 20, 2012
I just want to Scream!
by: Doreen U.K.

Yvonne YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I want to SCREAM also. My husband of 44yrs. died 7 months ago. I don't want to do Christmas either. This is YOUR GRIEF. YOUR SORROW. YOUR PAIN. Not even parents will understand where you are at in your GRIEF. Because you are still struggling you would greatly benefit from a couple of sessions at least with a Grief Counsellor. You may be stuck in grief and can't move from the point you are at so that the edge is taken off your pain and you will be able to cope with what you have to deal with in Grief. I CAN'T BEAR being ALONE. LONLINESS is like emotional cancer to me. It hurts every bit as if one was ill. We weren't meant to be Alone. God created us for companionship. God created the family. God created life and He took it back for a season because we live in a fallen world. This world is going to end one day and SIN that caused DEATH is going to be destroyed by God as it was never in His Plan. You will then be re-united with your Beloved. But whilst we have to dwell on earth without our loved ones we at least want to do it with less pain and sorrow. It is now We need Our God who is our Source of Comfort. We will have days when we regress and angry at God for letting this Death happen since He is in Control. I am Angry. But I told God I don't want to fight against Him, because He is my only Source of Help.
Scream at God! He can take it. You can also write in a journal all your feeling and get it out of your system. I started a journal and I write to my husband and let him know what I am feeling and going through since he has died. It is a comfort. But it is all we have. We can't change what happened. Acceptance is the first step. Work with this and a counsellor. You will come through this Sorrow. Invite someone into your world who has no one and build up a friendship that will sustain you in these difficult times. Ask God to send someone your way to help you through your grief. And also remember that what you are feeling and expressing is normal. Cry! Scream! this is all part of Grief. You will get days in between when it doesn't feel so bad. But go through it is what we all must do to find Healing. We can't deny ourselves this. We would not be able to Grieve forever otherwise we would die of a broken heart. May you be comforted today and in the weeks ahead till you find your way back to a place where you have Peace and Harmony.

Dec 20, 2012
You are right . . .
by: Anonymous

they have no concept. And neither does mine nor anyone else around me. I think people just don't understand the anguish of losing the love of your life. I had a dream the other night that I was in prison. I would leave in the morning to take my kids to school and go to work. Then, return at night to my cell. How do I break free? I think only God can help me out of this bondage. So, for now, I ignore the thoughtless actions of those around me and turn to Him for comfort.

Dec 20, 2012
Roger
by: Alan

Yvonne, my heartfelt condolences on your loss. I know how you feel, I lost my beautiful wife Donna a year ago, she was my everything. This past June was our 35th anniversary and we had no children, it was her and I against the world. We spent every moment we could together. I find most people don't get it, or can't handle it, I sometimes feel like I have the plague. Some days everything catches up to me and it's overwhelming. The loneliness is paralyzing, I miss her so much.
The holidays mean nothing to me, too. Celebrate? How can we? As I've told others here before I have no magic words of wisdom, just know that you are not alone.
May we all find the strength to carry on.

Dec 19, 2012
Heartfelt Sympathy
by: Elle

Dear Yvonne,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your husband and for your intense, engulfing pain, not understood by those who haven't endured what you have. Not only do such people not understand your empty, hopeless feelings of despair, they maddeningly sometimes imagine that they know what is best for you. We hear, "It's time to move on." I've often been compared by well-meaning people to those who were divorcing their spouses and began immediately to go out socially, presumably because of such superior strength. I was appalled when within about a month of my husband's death, an acquaintance urged me to take up ballroom dancing, which is beyond ludicrous.

The fact is nobody can tell us when it's time to move on or how to do so. It's a process, and everyone's grieving process is different.

The holidays are among the hardest of times. This is my first Christmas without my husband. My holiday decorations are in containers in the garage. The trees are in the storage shed. I've pondered whether I should donate all of it to a charity, as I can't ever see myself decorating a silent, lonely house. I merely want the holidays to be over. At this time, I can't handle the memories of happier times. If people don't understand, so be it. For now, I'm in survival mode, and I'll do what I need to do.

Take good care of yourself, Yvonne. Know that you are loved and not alone.

Thinking of you tonight and wishing you peace and comfort.

Elle

I feel better as night descends, because it means that somehow I've made it through another lonely, unbearable day.

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