I knew I should have let go but my love for him was still there
by Holding on
Our relationship lasted 14 years. We started dating soon after my 16th birthday.Things were so good. I loved every thing about him. Most of all the way he treated me.(now I wonder if I was just too young)By the time I was 19 I was pregnant. At that time every thing began to change. He didn't bother to show his love anymore. Even at 9 months pregnant did he help or assist me with anything. I remember during that pregnancy that on my birthday he never did anything for me and left me at home to watch a boxing match."Happy Birthday to me, and many more were ahead". Then when our beautiful baby boy was born it wasn't the happy family I thought we'd be. He was disconnected and didn't have a close bond with us. After several sleepless nights I asked for help with our son. I'll never forget his comment, What do you want me to do? I don't have tits to feed him." Okay so you've only read a little and your thinking why would you stay with him then. I don't know but I honestly still loved him and I wanted him back the way he was. The way he made me fall in love with him. We'd argue and he'd say he loved me and I would believe it. I needed to hear it. But after time that wasn't enough. I started thinking, It was easy to say what I wanted to hear but the reality of how he treated me was different. I remember telling him that the momment my heart would change and I'd be able to love as he's been to me that we would be over. And sure enough when I was able to let go of some of that our relationship changed. It has become abusive. He says that because I start it I deserve it. I could never be as strong as him I know. And part of me still suckers in to him saying I deserve it. But the pain and the bruises say I didn't deserve this. I know I should have let this go long ago but I couldn't. Why did I let my feelings stop me from doing what was right? Why does this type of man have so much control of my heart? Even though I know it's over my heart still holds on. How foolish I am, my love for him will always be there.