I know the names of the stages and what to expect....

by Andi
(NC)

...but it doesn't matter.
Today I told my brother I thought I might need professional help because my grieving was dragging on too long. That's when he told me it's only been two weeks. I could have sworn it was at least a month.

I'm in a 'fear of abandonment' phase and have dreams of my brother being kidnapped, a dream where I am offered my father back but only if I give up my brother in exchange, and unrational fears of my husband dying next.

Pop was in the hospital only one week and I got to spend those last days alone with him and help him to die. I thought this would take some of the pain of grieving from me, but it has not.

I knew his wishes and that he did not want to be in pain or a burden to anyone. I thought this would take some of the pain of grieving from me, but it has not.

Like Pop, I have always considered myself to be tough. I thought this would take some of the pain of grieving from me, but it has not.

I served as Pop's 'caregiver' over the past couple years and as a consequence, he was sometimes not very nice to me. I thought this would take some of the pain of grieving from me, but it has not.

I have read the literature the palliative care nurse gave me and I thought this would take some of the pain of grieving from me, but it has not.

It has, however, helped me to understand what I am experiencing is normal and right and it is okay to cry and it is okay to laugh sometimes too. And both will get easier with time.