i let go of the love of my life.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 happy years, and we lived with each other for 3yrs. We had such a happy home together with our dog, and everyday always seemed happy. He was family. After he comes home from work, i would always greet him at the door with open arms so when he opens the door, im already there ready to embrace him. It was always like that the whole time we lived together, spent every waking minute and every second with each other to the point where it became unhealthy. I smothered him with affection, and when i felt that he wasnt returning the same actions to me, i would feel hurt and lose my self esteem. We never gave each other space. I was always acting in extremes. Either i smother him with all my love and affection, or i get really angry and disappointed. There was nothing in between. So what i did to fill the disappointment and pain was talk to another man i had short relationship in the past when i was a teenager. He made me feel good about myself as i talked about my insecurities with my current bf. I loved the attention i was getting from him, but i also loved being with my bf. I felt like i had the best of both worlds. I only talked to his guy through text messages for a couple months, but when i told him i cant keep communicating with him anymore, he made me feel like i was wanted so much more. I agreed to finally see him to say our face to face "good bye" knowing that there's still some physical chemistry between us. One thing lead to another and i ended up cheating on my boyfriend. The one person i loved the most in this world. I stayed with the other guy for only an hour, then i went back home to my boyfriend. I acted like nothing happened, and was being the same lovey, affectionate person to him like i always was. I didn't feel any remorse because i thought i could get away with it. And it was something i will just hide forever because i knew i would never do again. A week after that happened, we went away on a trip. It was the best trip of our lives, and we went looking for engagement rings. I was so excited to finally come to that point in my life. Im going to marry the love of my life!!! Once we came back from our trip, my boyfriend receives an email from a girl. I didn't know that guy i cheated with had a girlfriend, and once she found out, she immediately told my boyfriend. My boyfriend was completely blind sighted by the news. I kept denying and denying everything, but eventually told him the truth of what happened that night. I was forced to move back to my parents. I lost my family. All because of a selfish act of neediness. I know my boyfriend still loves me tremendously, but he cant ever trust me again. After two weeks, he asked me if i had a history with that guy. All i said was we dated for a couple months when i was 19 and no sexual activities took place. I denied everything again. I kept denying and denying until he finally got it out of me. This hurt him so much all over again. He said he thought he could forgive me and take me back for that mistake, but since there was history with that guy, he knew there was some kind of emotional bond, even though it wasnt love. He is devastated because he thought we could still make it work. But now he made it all to clear to me that he would be stupid to take me back no matter how much he loves me. He said he will have to force himself to hate me because he can never be with a scandalous person like me. It was the worst mistake i have ever made in my entire life. We both love each other tremendously, but he made it clear we cant ever have a future together. Were both grieving as if someone had actually died. I killed our loving, trusting relationship, and its something we wont ever have back. I still pray that one day our love will lead us back to each other, but i might still be in the stage of denial. I dont know how to forgive myself and im so disappointed with the actions i chose to make. I didnt think of the consequences, but now its a reality i will have to live with for the rest of my life.