I lost both of my parents ..... (it may be a little long, sorry)

by Alex, 23

I moved with my parents in Canada in 2006 and soon after it all began. I lost both of my parents due to ilness. My father in 2007, i was a lot alone, at home, my mother wanted to "protect me" from hospitals and seeing my father in a certain way. I still went to visit him often at the hospital, sometimes i would spend almost a whole day, taking care of him. He would not talk to me (my father was general doctor as a profesion) because maybe he knew what awaited me. We would just watch TV most of the time. When the sad day came, my mother called me at home and i was running to the hospital, we lived far, but i just ran and ran i didnt even stop to think of taking bus or taxi, all i know and i was blocked, I HAD TO GET THERE, doctors didnt give him much time and he died that day, at night.

My mother, poor her, most loving, carying i could have ever had, started smoking, and rarely drinking due to the immense pain. All of this depression caused her a cancer, and after months and months of fighting she passed away in may 2011. I always pretended they would come ring the door one day, that they are still here with me, just not home, at their jobs maybe .....

All i knew was school-work-hosital .. even now december 2012, i still have troubles, i barely see any of my friends, most of them dont understand, most people dont, i keep to myself, i am soo strong but recently, i cry,sometimes, i burst cry with no control over it, i feel pushed aside, nobody calls me to see where i am, or what time im coming home because it is late.

I have trouble trusting people, everytime i do they prove me right , that i shouldnt.

my girlfriend (over 2 years now) she was with me trought the whole thing, we met after i lost my dad and keeping her strong position next to me for my mom.One time i did not answer her text and she came to my place and she found me very very intoxicated with alchool, she said i was crying and screaming and when i woke up i was changed, in my bed, floor cleaned and i felt so ashamed, so so ashamed, i did not repeat that after that... my parents would not be proud of it also.. She was always there, she was the 1st one to come to the hospital when my mom died, she was there when needed and even there when i would not expected,she does her best to understand me and always wants to know whats going on with me ..... sometimes i feel i "keep her down" like when we go out with her friends, i dont really open conversations, they all are happy, saying " oh my father gave me this or i went shopping with my mother" and everytime im reminded of how alone i am, reminded of my loss when i concentrate to have fun, even if its "on the surface fun" SOMETIMES, and i miss them and she thinks im not having fun when its not the case, i try to, i just think of them and how lucky others are to have their parents. If i didnt had her, i dont even want to think how very very alone i would be

How can i help myself with this? how to deal with this, to overcome my new "problems" ? How i can make it better for her? please , any suggestions

Sorry for the lenght, please, i felt really good talking about this ...

Alex


Comments for I lost both of my parents ..... (it may be a little long, sorry)

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Dec 06, 2012
I lost both of my parents.....
by: Doreen U.K.

Alex I am sorry for your loss of your mother and father and for the lonliness you now still feel from this loss.
It is normal to hurt when you hear of others talking about their mother and father and the places they will go, or the things they will do together and your experience is so very different. I didn't think I would feel this way either after a death. But it is a common feeling associated with grief. You won't always feel this way. You only feel like this now because you are still hurting. You are trying to have fun and be happy around other people so they won't really suspect how you feel inside. Tell your girlfriend how you feel and make people understand where you are at in your grief and it isn't something you can recover from quickly, and ask for their understanding. Don't let anyone dictate to you how you should feel by now and when to get over your loss.
I think you should seriously think of seeing a grief counsellor who will be able to support you whilst you work out your feelings of grief. They may be so deep that you can't get at it to feel it. Counsellors are skilled in this area to work with you. You will start to feel better quicker than you would do if you did this on your own and just went on each day trying so hard but going round in circles. You will find that you lose friends after you lose a loved one. So many people have said this. That no one calls anymore or stays in contact and one feels more alone.
You may be happy some days and other days feel your grief more. Just don't pretend when you are around people so you have to put on a happy disposition for them. There is nothing worse being surrounded by people and trying to be happy. Once you start grief counselling you will feel better and you will progress and move forward. No one can predict what and how they will feel after such a loss. Take it one day at a time. I hope that the days ahead will get better for you.

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