I lost both of my parents ..... (it may be a little long, sorry)
by Alex, 23
I moved with my parents in Canada in 2006 and soon after it all began. I lost both of my parents due to ilness. My father in 2007, i was a lot alone, at home, my mother wanted to "protect me" from hospitals and seeing my father in a certain way. I still went to visit him often at the hospital, sometimes i would spend almost a whole day, taking care of him. He would not talk to me (my father was general doctor as a profesion) because maybe he knew what awaited me. We would just watch TV most of the time. When the sad day came, my mother called me at home and i was running to the hospital, we lived far, but i just ran and ran i didnt even stop to think of taking bus or taxi, all i know and i was blocked, I HAD TO GET THERE, doctors didnt give him much time and he died that day, at night.
My mother, poor her, most loving, carying i could have ever had, started smoking, and rarely drinking due to the immense pain. All of this depression caused her a cancer, and after months and months of fighting she passed away in may 2011. I always pretended they would come ring the door one day, that they are still here with me, just not home, at their jobs maybe .....
All i knew was school-work-hosital .. even now december 2012, i still have troubles, i barely see any of my friends, most of them dont understand, most people dont, i keep to myself, i am soo strong but recently, i cry,sometimes, i burst cry with no control over it, i feel pushed aside, nobody calls me to see where i am, or what time im coming home because it is late.
I have trouble trusting people, everytime i do they prove me right , that i shouldnt.
my girlfriend (over 2 years now) she was with me trought the whole thing, we met after i lost my dad and keeping her strong position next to me for my mom.One time i did not answer her text and she came to my place and she found me very very intoxicated with alchool, she said i was crying and screaming and when i woke up i was changed, in my bed, floor cleaned and i felt so ashamed, so so ashamed, i did not repeat that after that... my parents would not be proud of it also.. She was always there, she was the 1st one to come to the hospital when my mom died, she was there when needed and even there when i would not expected,she does her best to understand me and always wants to know whats going on with me ..... sometimes i feel i "keep her down" like when we go out with her friends, i dont really open conversations, they all are happy, saying " oh my father gave me this or i went shopping with my mother" and everytime im reminded of how alone i am, reminded of my loss when i concentrate to have fun, even if its "on the surface fun" SOMETIMES, and i miss them and she thinks im not having fun when its not the case, i try to, i just think of them and how lucky others are to have their parents. If i didnt had her, i dont even want to think how very very alone i would be
How can i help myself with this? how to deal with this, to overcome my new "problems" ? How i can make it better for her? please , any suggestions
Sorry for the lenght, please, i felt really good talking about this ...