I lost her, my beautiful butterfly.

by Mike
(LaPlace, LA)

My wife died in her sleep on Dec. 1st. She was 47 and had no known health problems. The night before she was packing for a trip to visit her sister in New York so she would be back in plenty of time for Christmas. She picked out what she needed and packed the bags. I helped put the lining in her coat and I fell asleep before she was finished. She was excited and I was going to drive her to the airport the next morning.

I woke at 2am to go to the bathroom and she was dozing in bed and the TV was still on. I told her she needed to get some sleep since she had a big day. She turned out the TV and we both went to sleep. I woke at 5am when the clock went off and went to the bathroom. When I came out I tried to wake her up but she wouldn't. She was face down and I turned her over and immediately saw she wasn't alive.

She was still warm so I laid her on the floor and began CPR while my step son called 911. I performed CPR until the EMTs got there and they worked for about an hour but could do nothing. I cannot get the images out of my head and I am having a tough time coping. I have made an appointment with a counselor and my doctor gave me something, but I am using those very sparingly, only at night so I can at least take the edge off for a couple of hours, but it doesn't really help much.

I can't stop pacing and I am having a very difficult time getting back into work. I sometimes have to work from home and I can't work when I'm here. We just renovated the house and have only been in it for a few months. She loved it so much and it has her all over it. I really don't know what else to say.

Comments for I lost her, my beautiful butterfly.

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Dec 20, 2010
Missing my sister
by: Peggy


I too feel your pain. I miss my beautiful sister so much. I hate that I cannot pick up the phone and call her any more and I am pissed that she is gone. She was not only my sister, but my best friend and I don't know how to get on with my life without her. I wish I could be there to commiserate with each other. I am so far away and feel removed from the people who love her as much as I do. Grieving by myself for Lise.

Dec 19, 2010
My heart goes out to you
by: Cindy

Oh, I feel your pain... My husband had no health problems either. Went to work one day passed out and to find out, he had one artery 100% blocked and three 95%. Had quadruple bypass surgery. Made it through alright but did go into afib which they got under control with meds.

I had him home two weeks, sat down in the chair one day and said he felt dizzy and fell backwards. The paramedics worked on him for about 30 minutes but he was already gone. I just calling out for him not to leave me and I loved him. I can't get it out of my mind either. What could I have done?

It just isn't fair and I had him for almost 35 years. I don't even know how to live this life without him.

Dec 18, 2010
Me Too
by: Pat J

I lost my husband Joe on December 3rd. I know exactly what you are going through. I feel the same. I've lost 10 pounds since that day. Everyone around is screaming to eat and I can't get the food down. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm thinking....I can get through this....the next minute I go to pieces.

It was the same thing with my husband, the CPR, the paramedics. I walked into the kitchen several days later, switched on the light and I swore I saw him lying there. I feel as if it's almost like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I too am having difficulty sleeping. That's the worst part. The lonely nights, the images. Your wife was beautiful. Truly a beautiful butterfly. I'm having difficulty with people telling me my husband is now an angel watching over me. They may think that sounds comforting but I want him back and I can't have him back. The pain is unbearable but I've had 50 people tell me it does get better with time. We can both only hope for that. I wish that for you and myself.

Dec 17, 2010
your beautiful butterfly
by: Lyn Ann

I lost my husband Jim on November 20th. It was not a terrible shock - he had been diagnosed with cancer in may. The last 2 months were very bad as he got worse and gradually the man I knew disappeared. For me it felt like grieving in slow motion.

One of my biggest fears was that i would not remember him except when he was sick. But I was told by those that had been here before, that the good memories return and the worst ones fade and become less painful.

And so I turned to old photos and memories of wonderful times, for comfort but also to remember the good times and to remember him as he was - and as he would want me to remember him. And this has worked - even now the really awful memories of the past couple of months have faded, and memories of my real Jim are back. I have a DVD from a his surprise birthday party last year that I play every night. Then after that I have a little talk to him before going to sleep.

Whatever works for you is a good thing. People will tell you to take one day at a time, but as you will see from reading these blogs it is much smaller than that. one breath one step. keep writing, or at least keep reading.

you are on my prayer list. for peace.

Lyn Ann

Dec 17, 2010
So much sorrow
by: Ms Mack


I am very sorry for your loss. I too suffer from the image of his death the day I found him. He wasn't answering the phone since the day before. I went over to his apartment first thing in the morning and when I got in, the first thing I saw was him laying in bed. Good, he's here and didn't get into a deadly accident, just sleeping.....his face was calm, serene. His beautiful eyes, slightly open, still a little warm. I ran into the room, shaking in fear. He was dead, never knew he had a drug problem.....if I did, I would have tried to help. I know the rush of emotions you experienced.

If I could just forget that part of it all, I might be stronger. We are here to help you. You will get through this in time but it won't be easy. Writing helps and so do all of the other sympathetic grieving people on this site. We understand and are here for you. Go through the pain, take the steps one day at a time. Pray for hope and you will get through this.

Dec 17, 2010
Mothers little helpers
by: Zoe

I am sorry for the loss of your soulmate
We all carry an image of their death or that moment
We last saw them
I do not sleep without pills
I have lupus so I take pain pills I used to fight not taking them
Now not so much
In the beginning there is a numbness that carries you forward
As that wears off there is a new pain, a rawness
You do not think you will live through , but you already have.
The pills prolongs the numbness
It does not make the grief any less that is an illusion that you will quickly get over
Everyone's grief is different
But at the same time it is the same soul staining pain that we all endure
Walk, talk, write do what you have to
But remember what it comes down to is one breath
One step one day at a time, no more than that
It is all you can do in the beginning
It is what sustains you on this journey called grief
This is a matter of adjusting to a life you did not choose
You will gain perspective others will never have

And come here as often as you need to and write we do understand and we are always here
(it's 3am here lol)
and remember. One breath one step one day at a time

Dec 17, 2010
Peace To You..
by: Sue

OH My Friend.

I went on to tell my own story of (somewhat) surviving and getting through not only this time of year, the first of firsts.. And I saw your nightmare.

Your story TRULY, TOTALLY touches my soul... I had my hand over my mouth as I continued to read your pain. There are NO WORDS (!!!) to express what happens to people like us--the "survivors" for we are not..we become the unknown to everyone around us--lost forever in the nightmare of living those moments..yet hanging on by the thread of our memories...

You are not alone, you're beloved was SO loved by all Powers, looking forward to good things. She went quietly, and quickly--take some peace in that--our hell is what will continue. This is the best place you can come to right now: amongst people who have had to come here, we are all the same here. God Bless You and yours... XO

Dec 16, 2010
Your beautiful butterfly


The pills will take the edge off but will not relieve grief. Continue to do as your Dr. recommends and seek counseling. You are doing the right thing entering the hellish ride of grief.

Please come back to this site, keep reading and write.(when you're up to it) It helps so very much to express those feelings. All of us here have lost someone that was half of who we were so we really do understand. See...I had put half of what we "are" so that proves how much our loves made and changed us and how utterly lost we feel without then.

There are many wonderful honest people here whom I would Not have made it this year without.

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