I lost my beautiful son

by Heidi
(Anaconda, Montana, USA)

Hi. My name is Heidi. I am looking for possible chats with other grieving parents. My wonderful son, Courtney Alan Phelps, died suddenly on June 27th, 2008. He was just 25 years old. He suffered from seizures caused by a beating he took from the police. He suffered with the seizures for a couple of years and was on medication for them.

On that day he was taking a bath in our whirlpool tub and had a seizure. He drowned. I was gone from the house at the time. His 16 year old brother found him. They took his body away before I got home. For a year I was in shock. I went to bed, started drinking and stopped caring whether I lived or not. On July 22 of this year, I quit drinking and started taking care of myself. Now I am feeling the pain of my loss. Drinking numbed it for so long. I can now cry and do so every day. I can't think about him without crying. I miss him so.

Will the pain ever ease? My heart hurts so much. A tightness I can't get rid of. I still can't eat. Have lost 20 pounds and I only weighed 130 before.

How do I help my (now) 17 year old, deal with his grief? He refuses to talk to me about it. He will mention his brother, but only in passing. I worry that he is keeping things bottled up inside. He refuses to talk to a counselor. My husband is also not talking and has started to drink too much himself.

I am feeling guilty because I need to concentrate on my own self-healing right now and don't feel I have the energy to deal with their grief too. I need to make myself healthy at this point. My son would not have wanted me to give up and self destruct. That knowledge is what made me get sober.

Thank you to whoever reads this and replies. I feel so alone.

Heidi

Comments for I lost my beautiful son

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Jan 18, 2014
lost my beautful Boy
by: steve lewis

He was a loving best friend. 32 when He was taken from me. He was a man of integrity, I admired Him and loved Him so very very much. When I got out of the military and split with His mum He came to live with me for 15 wonderful years. He took every opportunity to spend time with me, we shared many things together. As time went by I realised that I was loving Him more as time went by and He me. He had a wonderful sense of humour and was a kind person. He always saw the best in me, its just the kind of a guy that He was. He made me a better person. He still does. How many years must it be before I hold you again my beloved Son Clifford.
Dad

Mar 16, 2013
I feel your pain, sometimes you can't breath
by: Dave P.

My middle son died suddenly this past july 4th. I feel a large part of me died with him.

I two other son's who grieve, and my lovely wife, and we are, 8 months later, still lost, in pain, and grasping for breath.

I am sorry I have nothing positive to say to help you, except the days become numb, but the loss never subsides.

All my love to your and your family,

Please be safe.

Dave P.

Dec 12, 2012
would love to talk....
by: Anonymous

Hello Heidi...please contact me. I would love to talk to you. Our experience is similar. I am with you and this pain.

Sep 02, 2012
my st.augustine
by: Kat

My baby boy was only 18 as death wrenched him from my arms. I was there when they said there is nothing more they could do. I remember screaming you fix this you have to he is just a baby my baby my only child. In dec it will be 2 years and although I am surrounded by people that love me I am alone in my abyss of grief.

Oct 20, 2011
I miss my son's laughter and care
by: Izzy

My dear,I Know how you feel it's not easy. But you have to park your heart together knowing full well that whatever you do to yourself can not change issues but create problems for tomorrow, for the fact that if we could help we would not allow it to happen,we then have to SUMMITS to the father of spirits and LIVE HEB.12;7-9.My dear, feelings can not stop but grieving, depression, feeling of space within, crying, etc will give way with time.Do you know today mark the first memorial of my son- we spoke last on the 19th Oct,2010 I called him to give the news of the arrival of a new family car and he scrim-med and laughed and i dropped the phone.He was murdered that same night in the school, I am still hurt with the fact that they never allowed me to see his body or find and prosecute his murderer.He was 21 years of age. though i had three,he alone had my resemblance in complexion and temperament, he can let go of anything for mummy's sake. That same week he was told by the father that I was ill and he said to his father take care of her for us oh oh oh oh. the siblings are trying to be strong all because me and i m' trying to cope for the two and my husband for the fact that my death or ill-health can only be another minus.I have resolved to carry on with life by praising God FOR WHOM He IS. remember also you are your best doctor, counselor and best care giver. My dear we will come out gloriously. It is the begging of life.

Sep 19, 2010
WHO IS GREAT HEALER OF PAIN
by: SWARAJ

DEAR
I AM VERY SORRY, I KNOW THE STAGE IN WHICH YOU ARE STUCK. I AM ALSO IN THE SAME STAGE I HAD LOST MY SON ON 08.08.08 IN A VERY MYSTERIOUS WAY. HE WAS ONLY 26YRS OLD SON. HE WAS DOCTOR IN ARMY. TILL YET MY HEART CRIES FOR GETTING THE TRUTH.

EVERY ONE CONSOLES ME TAKING NAME OF GOD... I TOO HAVE TRIED TO BELIEVE IN HIM AGAIN BUT GETTING FAILED. NO ONE, EVEN GOD ALSO CAN NOT HAIL OUR PAIN SPECIALLY OF MOTHERS. WHO ARE SUFFERING AND SURVIVING WITH PAIN. THOUGH WE HAVE LOST OUR ONE CHILD BUT ONE IS HERE FOR WHOM WE MUST BE ALIVE.

I WANT TO DIE, I AM NOT ABLE TO BEAR THE LOSS OF MY SON, BUT MY DAUGHTER IS LOOKING TOWARDS ME FOR MY LOVE. I HAVE TO LIVE FOR HER WITH MY EVERYDAY DEATH. I DON'T HAVE ANY FAITH IN ANY ALMIGHTY I HAVE ONLY FAITH TO REMEMBER MY SON IN EVERY WAY.

I AM MAKING HIS VIDEOS WATCH HIS VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE. THIS IS MY JOB NOW A DAYS. THIS WEBSITE GAVE ME THE WAY TO SHARE MY GRIEF TO YOU ALL. MAY I GET SOME WAY TO LIVE WITH MY SON. IS THERE ANYONE LIKE ME.

Sep 13, 2010
Gos is still there
by: Anonymous

Dear,

You are never alone, for God is still here! Yes, the loss hurts very much, yes, you feel like crying.. But don't forget that God never gives more than we can bear.

Good and bad things happens for a reason, sometimes to form your character and sometimes to be a witness for someone else.

You will overcome with Jesus by your side. Jesus loves you very much and He feels every little pain in your body, life and family. Trust that you will smile again. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and seek for His consolation.

Think about the good times you had together and think about the blessings (family) you still have. God made us women very strong and He will never let us down. You are too strong to destroy the beautiful body God gave you. Take care of yourself, keep your head up high and ask God for help.. I can promise you that things will change!

I will keep you in my prayers.

Much love and support from Stelicia (Holland)

Aug 16, 2010
Freddy My Angel
by: Marta

Hello! I totally understand what you are all going through. My beautiful son Alfredo died 9 years ago at age 17 of Liver Cancer! He was my best friend and so full of life. I can still hear his laughter through out our house. I close my eyes and I imagine him looking at me with those big brown eyes and that so sweet of a smile he had. I can also hear his tears of all the pain he endured while he was fighting his cancer. I still don't understand why God chooses to take the greatest people before their time.

When I came home after his funeral. I sat in the dark every night for months waiting for him to come and talk to me, I just knew in my heart that his love for me was so strong, that he would not be able to not come talk to me each night. He never came...

I stay alive because of my other son and no one knows how painful it is to go through the loss of you child...I'm sorry but it doesn't get any easier...at least for me it will never be!

Feb 11, 2010
I too lost my son:
by: Anonymous

He was only 21 years old he was my best freind. There is nothing I would'nt have done for him. He always gave me a kiss when he got home, he loved me so much. Sometimes I was impatient with him. He was messy, but not that bad. We shared a one bedroom apt. The night he passed I was looking at a 3 bd house to rent. I had just bought a new mercedes. I was gonna let him drive it eventually. I try not to let the guilt kill me. I know guilt is satan's way of keeping me from my hope. I fight it and run to God's word. I have turned to God's promise. That even though we die we will live again if we put our trust in Him. John 11:25

Feb 09, 2010
This is life I suppose
by: Shirley

On August 11, 2009 my beautiful youngest daughter, Lisa died of pancreatic cancer after a 2 year struggle. Now 6 mos. later my oldest daughter is in hospice dying of liver cancer. I am having a very difficult time coping with this. I had 3 sweet, wonderful daughters and now I will have only one. I also have a very loving husband who is a rock for me.

Three years ago I realized everyone in the family was exactly where they wished to be including my grandson and grandaughter. For that moment I realized (and told my family), "this is as good as it gets or ever will be!!" We all agreed. Now, the story is much different. I hope everyone reading this takes the time to look at your family and find that moment before it's too late.

Feb 07, 2010
responding to D
by: Heidi

Dear D,
I am so sorry you are going through such a horrible ordeal. How old was your son? Please write me an email and I will reply. Just put recover or something like that in the title so I know not to delete it. My email address is....snowplace@aol. I see that you live in Montana too. I know how the weather is probably affecting your moods. Know that there is someone out here who understands your grief. I wish I could just give you a hug.
Heidi

Feb 05, 2010
so sorry
by: Ytters-mom

I lost my son Oct 31, 2009, to suicide.
I am trying to deal with the grief and pain. I have ok days but not many. Sites like this help where I can say whatever I want, and no one will condemn me or belittle me. I keep a journal that I hope no member of my family ever reads.

So come and talk when you want.

D
Sidney, MT

Feb 05, 2010
I am sorry for you
by: Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I am so sorry for you. I know the pain you must be feeling. Even though our sons were adults, the pain of losing them is not diminished. I am hoping this web site and others will help me deal with the grief. If you wish to correspond, write me at snowplace@aol.com.

You must have been very proud of your son. To be an ER nurse is quite an accomplishment. He must have been very bright.

I know what it feels like to miss everything about your son. I miss his smell and his hugs. I miss his voice and the talks we used to have. I miss his friends coming over. I miss absolutely everything about him. He was a wonderful person.

Please take care of yourself. You are going through something that people around you will find hard to deal with. If you have to, get involved with a group or individual counselor. Some place where you can vent and where people understand the depth of your grief. There are also some great books out there. They have helped me.

Heidi

Feb 05, 2010
In Dan's memory
by: Anonymous

I, too, lost my beautiful son Daniel. He was my best friend in the whole world! He struggled with alcohol and had several DUIs, but he was still hanging in there. He was an RN and I believe the stress of his job and the inability to cope with it led to his demise.

He worked as an ER nurse and saw much death and tragedy. He also had problems sleeping and would self-medicate with various things to get to sleep. This led him to be drowsy at work and he lost his ER job because they assumed he was on drugs and he refused to take a "pee test". They let him go. He then went on to find several more jobs, mostly nursing homes, and the last one he worked at was horrible. He feared they would put him on tracheostomy ward.

He hated being alone and the night of his death he OD'd on morphine, alone at home. I believe he never used that before in his life and it was an accident! He was only 28 years old. It was May 1, 2009, and it still seems like yesterday to me.

I'm isolated, depressed, and worst of all I work at home and am lonely. I have flash-backs of his smiling face and his voice, which should be comforting, but I miss him SO MUCH! Thanks for listening. God bless.

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