I lost my beautiful son
(Anaconda, Montana, USA)
Hi. My name is Heidi. I am looking for possible chats with other grieving parents. My wonderful son, Courtney Alan Phelps, died suddenly on June 27th, 2008. He was just 25 years old. He suffered from seizures caused by a beating he took from the police. He suffered with the seizures for a couple of years and was on medication for them.
On that day he was taking a bath in our whirlpool tub and had a seizure. He drowned. I was gone from the house at the time. His 16 year old brother found him. They took his body away before I got home. For a year I was in shock. I went to bed, started drinking and stopped caring whether I lived or not. On July 22 of this year, I quit drinking and started taking care of myself. Now I am feeling the pain of my loss. Drinking numbed it for so long. I can now cry and do so every day. I can't think about him without crying. I miss him so.
Will the pain ever ease? My heart hurts so much. A tightness I can't get rid of. I still can't eat. Have lost 20 pounds and I only weighed 130 before.
How do I help my (now) 17 year old, deal with his grief? He refuses to talk to me about it. He will mention his brother, but only in passing. I worry that he is keeping things bottled up inside. He refuses to talk to a counselor. My husband is also not talking and has started to drink too much himself.
I am feeling guilty because I need to concentrate on my own self-healing right now and don't feel I have the energy to deal with their grief too. I need to make myself healthy at this point. My son would not have wanted me to give up and self destruct. That knowledge is what made me get sober.
Thank you to whoever reads this and replies. I feel so alone.