I lost my best friend......

by sahar

on a normal sunday when she was normally doing her work she suddenly had heart attack in washroom when she went to bath. i cant believe this as she was all fit and fine , even few moments before.. we all three children were for whom she worked her whole life was not with her. this is the thing that is most traumatic for me. i miss her every moment , i feel certain time that she will come from somewhere and heal us. we all children are unmarried
and we wanted her to se our marriage bt she will not be present in our family photograph this pinches me most...... i love her very much......sometimes i blame myself for not taking care of her but than i feel that everything happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that it was not our fault.i will never able to meet her again hurts me most. i always think why this has happened with us....i even think that i should live without her not.... her last words to my maternal aunt before going to washroom and her dead body keeps me haunting....i dont know what will happened with us in future..? i loved her very much i really want to meet her, talk to her,touch her,feel her, want to eat food with her hands..and much more.. i feel life is finished...

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May 27, 2013
I am there
by: Shawna

I just lost my mother a week and a half ago to sudden cardiac arrest and knowing that I put off calling her the night she died has just traumatized me! I can't begin to sit here and tell you I spent everyday with her or talked to her everyday like everyone else because the truth is I didn't! She was in the beginning stages of vascular dementia and she ruminated over the same issues when I did talk to her. I resolved to call her once a week and how could I have limited myself to that? How could I ever look at it being a "chore" to call my Mom and listen to her repeat herself over and over about the same things? It shouldn't have mattered and when I talked to her on the phone, it didn't....I let her talk and I listened. But it wasn't enough!! I had resolved to visit her twice a month as she didn't live that far from me and I did not get the chance to even begin! I am a nurse and I couldn't take care of her because I was always so busy and she was always so stubborn..I should have insisted. I should have called the day of her death when I told myself to, but decided to put it off for another day. I am so ashamed of my actions and I just can't get it off my mind! Everyone is talking how their mom's have died of cancer (she was actually a breast cancer survivor and her healthy attitude made her beat it!) and I keep thinking that would have allowed me to tell her how much I loved her instead of her suddenly passing and I didn't get to tell her nearly enough!! I believe in God and I know she did too, although she wasn't religious and I worry if she made into heaven....silly, I know, but I can't help it! I have never felt such enormous grief and hollowness in my life! I am in utter shock! She could have had another 5-10 years (she was 78) if she had just taken her pills, if I'd just been a little more active in taking her to the doctors, if she'd had stayed in California (where she didn't want to be) and stayed thin and healthy thanks to my sister. I let her do what she wanted and live how she wanted cause she suffered so much in all other areas of her life and now I realize too late that was such a mistake! I only pray she forgives me for letting her down! I don't know how to move forward! I am totally lost! I mean everyone knows death is imminent, but I just never dreamed!! I didn't get to speak to her on her last day and I just can't get that out of my head! She lived with her boyfriend, but she was alone in their bedroom when she died. I just cannot believe it..the finality is so overwhelming. I don't know what to do!?!?

May 16, 2013
I understand
by: Anonymous

Dear Sahar

Thank you for your story. I would like to tell you something. My mother passed away late last year after a long illness. I miss her with my heart and my soul but I would not wish to have her back with all her suffering.

I understand that the suddenness of your mother's departure was a real shock to you. However, even though I knew my Mum was slipping away, it was the greatest shock of my life when she finally left. The doctor said she had two weeks but she passed away while I was packing my bags to go and be with her. It was the most devastating and unexpected moment of my life. I am 53 years old, but, when I received the news of my mother's departure, I felt like a newborn baby who had been abandoned.

What I am trying to say is that it is always a shock to anyone who loses their mother, no matter if they were healthy or ill. In your case, you did not have the pain of seeing your mother's suffering. Try to be at peace with that. Also try to remember that your Mum is the one who prepared you for the good things which will happen in your life. It is very possible that she will be with you in spirit when those good things happen. Even though she has left you, your mother's love for you can never go away.

May 11, 2013
I lost my best friend .......
by: Doreen U.K.

Sahar I am sorry for your loss of your mother to a sudden death. Your sorrow is deep and your grief overflows. One of the worst aspects of your sorrow will be because your mother died alone and no one was with her. You will be wondering What were her thoughts before she died? How did she feel? What was in her heart? etc. This is normal thinking associated with grief. Your mother would have died so suddenly she wouldn't have had time to feel anything. This is actually how most people would want to die since we all have thoughts about how we hope we don't die in pain. This is our worst fear. You come from a culture which is close knit and your mother would have loved working for the care of her children and you all as her children would have cared in your own way despite your responsibilities daily. So don't beat yourself up thinking you could have done more. In life we all wish we could have done better. But we have our limitations. We give of ourselves to our best ability. And when we don't. It is because we have other duties in life that takes that time. If we are in the presence of a person all the time. It can become monotonous and mundane. We therefore have to go about our daily business as set out by God.
I hope that you have other relative e.g. your aunt or grandmother who can nurture you all till you are ready for marriage and then you will be able to go and live your own lives and be happy again. The sorrow will be that your mother won't see your marriage and she won't see any grandchildren. This is the sadness of death. This happened to me. My husband died 1yr. ago of cancer and he can't see his Adult children and his 2 grandchildren grow up. He won't be able to teach his grandson his skills of carpentry. This is what hurts. You are not alone. May God be with you all and comfort you all.

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