I lost my big brother on 02-13-2010

I lost my older and only brother to suicide on Feb 13, 2010. He was 42 years old. Valentines day will never be the same. It's no longer a day of love for me, it's a day of loss. We had to make the decision to stop life support. That was the hardest decision I have ever made. Seeing him lay there with no brain activity and just knowing he is no longer with us. To this day it's still seems unreal.I expect him to call or knock on the door at anytime and then I realize he's no longer with us.For the first year, every morning when I would wake up, he would be the first thing that popped into my mind and the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep. When I see a car he had, a song on the radio or a place where we would hangout in town, it all comes back. He was my only brother. Now I feel so alone. Who will I sit with on the front porch when I get old and talk about all the stupid things we did as kids? His life was a mess toward the end and I feel like I should have done more to help, but I didn't. I can still remember the day well. Cold, snow on the ground and a overcast sky. Every winter I get depressed because it reminds me of that time. The last place I saw him alive was just outside the front doors where I work. I still work there and everyday I see the spot where he was standing and I think about him. The last couple of years of his life was hard, the last few months was crappy, the last few weeks was horrible and the last day was unbearable for him. I miss him sooooo much. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON.

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Jul 11, 2012
To Anonymous in Alabama
by: Wayne

Thanks for your comments. I too wanted to know where my brother was and what it's like. I bought a book called "Heaven is for real". It's about a little boy who gets to see heaven. It's a true story. It was a nice quick read. It's cloudy, overcast, rainy day here in Alabama today. Kinda like the day my brother Paul passed away. I can't help but to think about him and the whole situtation on days like today. I walked by the last place I seen him alive this morning AGAIN. I just stopped and looked at the spot for a moment and I can't stop thinking if there was more that I could have done. I know you miss your brother and I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better. Maybe the book will help? How's the rest of the family holding up? My mom and dad goes through spells. I know they miss him too. They try to hide it from me so I want worry about them. They are retired and live in the same house that my brother lived in with them. I know it's got to be tough for them to be in that house. Seeing some of his stuff and where he would sit and watch TV. I just ment to send a quick response but I've gotten carried away. Man today is a tough one.

Jul 02, 2012
i miss my brother too
by: Anonymous

my brother died many years ago -12 march 1995, can't actually believe i have not seen him for 17 years. some days - like today - it is still so hard. I am reading all your stories and feeling all your pain, tears pouring down my face. most days are bearable, some even happy but something is always missing. i miss my tim so much and that will never change. he was far too young to die. i often wonder "what would tim think about that?" i am sad for all the things he has missed out on. i always imagine if i could just see him one more time, i would hug him so tight and never let him go. i can still see his face and hear his voice. my mum and my brother miss him so much, my heart breaks for them. losing tim hit my family really hard. not really sure if time heals all wounds as i still ache for my beautiful brother tim

Jun 21, 2012
I am sorry
by: Nancy

I do not want to take away from your pain or minimize it in anyway I lost my three older brothers all to suicide and lets just say many sisters as well. I want to talk about Jim, John and Steve. Jim and John were twins. Jim - he went first in 1979. What I choose to remember most about him is that he married the most beautiful girl in the world Darlene. Darlene wanted to be a trophy wife and wanted the world and everything it had to offer and poor Jim just could not provide all the nicities that she wanted so she left - and he was broken hearted. John - looked in all the wrong places for love and finally dove off my sisters' balcony to his death in an effort to prove that he was super human. And Steven - he loved every body - and there was a price to pay for that husbands, boyfriends, did not approve of his lifestyle and put the run on him. He finally could not outrun them and decided it was better to drive his newly bought car into the back end of a Transit bus full of rush hour people coming home from work. He did this after insuring his house, cottage, boat for lots of money. Then going out and buying his wife a new fur coat, in the dead of summer and the 3 little dogs that she always wanted but could never afford. I could choose to keep these memories in my head but than I would negate all the other moments in my life when they shared with me their love prints - like when Jim showed me how to scuba dive or when John showed me how to make beef wellington and when Steve took us camping for a week. Each one of my brothers left love prints on my life which I can pass on to my children and friends and they in turn can pass on. The shell of who they were passed on but the spirit of who they were will live on in me and all those I share their talents and memories with. So go out and pour out into others what your brother has poured into you. I know that you will have some good stuff to share....NANCY

Jun 21, 2012
I lost my big brother on 02-13-2010
by: Wayne

Thanks for the comments and sharing your stories with me. It does seem to help to hear from others going through the same thing. It makes it feel like I'm not so alone after all, even if it's for just a moment. I too live in Alabama so that seem just like one more connection. I'm sorry for your loss also. Care to tell me a little about your brother? My brother was easy going, go with the flow kind of guy. He always had trouble managing his money though, which seemed to bring hardship on him. He was doing ok until he met this women that had major issues with pills, id theft and money. I would love to place all the blame on her but I can't. We all make our own decisions. He would drink a little before he met her but it wasn't a big deal. Soon after they met I noticed a difference. Come to find out he started doing what she was doing, (this is the easy going, go with the flow part of him) taking xanax's. The family started getting on his case about all the things we could see happening but he couldn't. I think this made him withdraw from us even more. We just didn't know how to help him. I remember going to the county jail to bail him out (Theft, which he NEVER had done before prior to meeting her) and I'll never forget the look on his face. He gave me a sincer thank you for getting him out. We talked on the way home and I asked him if he loved this women or was he just afraid of being alons. His answer was that he loved her. I just can't understand how someone can love another person that steals your own mothers identity and opens credit cards to max out. That steals items from retail stores, that jumps from doc to doc to get pills, that would lie right to your face, that had several kids but no custody over them. I wonder if he ever thought, why she doesn't have custody of atleast a couple of the 7 kids? She did had health issues but we just couldn't trust what was coming out of her mouth.Sorry for rambling. She just burns me up! I think of what the final few minutes of his life was like and it pains me to the core. They got caught shoplifting and was locked up. The police put him in a cell. They came back to check on him and he was on the floor not responding. Come to find out he had swallowed a couple of pain patches. I remember when I got him out of jail before and he said he would NEVER go back to jail. So, did he swallow them to keep from getting caught with them or had he had enough of all the crap and just said the hell with it and end his life? THIS IS THE PART I STUGGLE WITH ALMOST DAILY. Even now when it's been 2 1/2 years. Was it really suicide or just a dumb move on his part to swallow them? I guess I'll never know the true answer.

Jun 21, 2012
I lost my big brother on 13.02,10
by: Anonymous

Dear broken hearted brother,
I am sorry for the loss of your brother aged 42 a year younger than my son.
Losing a brother will be the worst pain you will go through as this is your sibling. As you say someone you were close to and hoped would grow old with you. This is how we feel when we lose a loved one. I lost my husband of 44 years marriage to cancer 6 weeks ago.
I also lost a nephew to suicide when at 30yrs. Peter threw himself in front of an express train.
Peter perhaps like your brother couldn't go on. No matter how we feel as relatives that we could have done more. This is how grief talks. Often when we interfere to help someone even a brother we actually injure ourselves and can make matters worse. We have Boundaries. As one American preacher put it. We come into life with our Knapsacks sewn onto our back which make up our personality and our emotions. We also encounter problems in life which are called the BOULDERS. We can help someone carry the BOULDERS but we cannot carry the Knapsack. We would sustain a Boundary Injury. This is destructive.
WE will never be the same people after we have lost a loved one in death. You will be grieving all the old familiar places you were. A song, A person you both hung out with. As you say a cold snowy day. A grey dull day. This is a painfull grief moment.
My husband liked the rain coming down hard and being in the house. I hate the rain of a cold winters day. I feel sad. It makes me think of Steve. All those familiar things will keep coming back and will cause us so much pain. This is the hardest part of LOSS. I hope you feel better expressing your pain here on this website and we will all do our best to support you till you are able to feel comfortable again. Best wishes.

Jun 21, 2012
I lost my big brother on 2-13-12 :(
by: Anonymous

I have had the hardest time dealing with losing my brother. I just started looking on line for a blog and/or counseling and low and behold I find this blog! I know what you mean about Valentines never being the same. I live in Alabama and he lived in California. My Dad and I were flying on Valentine's Day to California. I kept hoping on the plane that it was all some horrible dream or sick mistake. I relate so much to your post about waking up and thinking about it and thinking about it before I go to sleep. My brother and I were so close. We were confidantes growing up and in our adult lives. I just wish I would see him. I want to know where he is and what it is like where he is now. Sometimes I just cannot stand it. Thank you so much for posting and sharing. I am sorry for your loss and if you ever want to talk let me know.

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