I lost my big brother on 02-13-2010
I lost my older and only brother to suicide on Feb 13, 2010. He was 42 years old. Valentines day will never be the same. It's no longer a day of love for me, it's a day of loss. We had to make the decision to stop life support. That was the hardest decision I have ever made. Seeing him lay there with no brain activity and just knowing he is no longer with us. To this day it's still seems unreal.I expect him to call or knock on the door at anytime and then I realize he's no longer with us.For the first year, every morning when I would wake up, he would be the first thing that popped into my mind and the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep. When I see a car he had, a song on the radio or a place where we would hangout in town, it all comes back. He was my only brother. Now I feel so alone. Who will I sit with on the front porch when I get old and talk about all the stupid things we did as kids? His life was a mess toward the end and I feel like I should have done more to help, but I didn't. I can still remember the day well. Cold, snow on the ground and a overcast sky. Every winter I get depressed because it reminds me of that time. The last place I saw him alive was just outside the front doors where I work. I still work there and everyday I see the spot where he was standing and I think about him. The last couple of years of his life was hard, the last few months was crappy, the last few weeks was horrible and the last day was unbearable for him. I miss him sooooo much. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON.