I lost my brother and then had a miscarriage......

by Rosa
(England)

On the 25th of August 2011 I lost my 21 year old brother. He had just turned 21 on the 10/08/11 and had gone to a different town with his friends to celebrate..the next day whilst still there he had a brain hemorrhage. He was in a coma for 12 days with no responses. I had to phone his girlfriend and get her back from a trip around Europe to be with him whilst he died. He was the most important person in the whole world to me, loving him taught me how to love and watching him grow up was amazing, sometimes I even got jealous of his ability to live and be happy. He was a wonderful human being with a unique way of thinking and a unshaken confidence. His funeral was amazing, carried in by his wonderful friends only 21 themselves, the place was filled, almost 400 people came. To me it felt like a dream or a daze, the worst day of my life, but a lovely celebration of him. 7 weeks after he died I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant, I had thought I couldnt get pregnant. I was overwhelmed with shock, but I knew I wanted the baby. For the whole time I was pregnant I felt completely overwhelmed with stress but had a quiet confidence I would be fine because I had something growing inside me that I had to be ok for. It gave me a reason to be ok..Apart from all the comments about the circle of life and death and worrying words of reincarnation, I felt my little brother had 'sorted' this for me. Spoken to whoever or whatever made these decisions and told them of my upset at thinking I couldnt have babies. And then I lost that too.. In an instant I lost my future having just lost my past..