I lost my brother in 27 days. I miss him so much, it hurts!!!
I flew home from work on April 5th, all to learn that his phone call to me earlier in the day while I was in a meeting was that he had called from the ER. When I got home and realized this, I raced to the hospital. His speech was slurred. I thought that he must have had a stroke, but he's only 43? It was midnight by the time that I got to him and he was trying to calm me down, reassuring that he was fine and that this was a reaction to some medication that he was recently put on for blood pressure. By the Monday after Easter, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. By Tuesday, I got to hold his head during the bone marrow extraction process; learning it was in his bone marrow. My parents would go back to my place at night to sleep - or try to, as I barely left my brother's side. I would go for days without leaving to shower and such. When I left, dad would call me and say that he is asking for me. I loved our mornings where we had a drill with knowing who was coming to visit by 5am each morning, as I would go and get my coffee and wake up with him watching tv, until we both conked out again by 8am.
He just was getting worse and worse each day. He suffered through two slight cardiac arrest situations, but the last was on May 1st, 2012. My mom, dad, and I had to experience the horror of watching my brother having a code called on him, the entire ICU staff pounding away on him, his legs falling off the bed...he passed.
It's been since May and I tried to continue on with work, even moving home to work locally on a new contract, but I feel like these memories are lingering in my head so vividly, that I have complete break-downs yet. Work has suggested time off for a few months. Now I feel like a loser...but at the same time, these anti-depressant meds aren't working and I can't believe he's not a phone call away. God blessed me with at least 27 last days with him, as I realize that was a blessing...some folks find out that their loved ones pass in car accidents or in war and such. I don't know what's worse, though. I was so close to him, I feel like half of my soul has been sucked from me.