I lost my brother to Suicide 09/20/2010

by Jen
(Chicago IL)

This is my first time doing this and I really don't know if it would help me or not to say how I really feel. I lost my only brother even though I do have a half brother, but its not the same. It hurts a lot to lose my brother. My brother and I were not really close but we do get along when we got older. My only regret I ever had is not spending time with him when I came to visit my family in Fla. I feel guilty almost every day because I didn't get to see him as often or talk with him.

Due to my living in Chicago has changed lot not being close to home in Fla. I feel guilty in lot of ways; it not suppose to be him that died and he had so much to live for and lot to look forward with his three boys. I dealt with depression and I know I am struggling with it now even more. It not suppose to be him. I can only go by memories of my brother of how we were as kids and how he taught me things like sports and similar things he may like that I like or enjoy doing.

I don't know how to grieve or let things happens. People said to me I changed ever since my brother pass and how they wish I was the old me and don't like the new me. The new me is I am more quieter and I think more than I should. I don't laugh or joke as much. I use to before my brother pass but I don't.

I miss you so much Jerry and I wish I would have done something or anything to be there for you and I feel so guilty. I am just now learning all of these things and I still have lot of questions and want answers but no one can do answer that.

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Nov 07, 2013
I posted the poem. Lost brother on 02/13/10
by: Wayne

Hey Pam,

Just checking in to see how life has been going for you. I hope you have been able to keep moving forward. I know it's tough. I think about my brother paul everyday. I think of him more now then when he was alive. The guilt still gets to me every now and then though. But I keep moving forward anyway. I try to smile and be upbeat around people but family and friends see there is something is wrong. They may think it's something in my every day life but it's realy the loss of my only brother almost 4 years ago. It's hard to talk to them about it because they realy don't understand. They care and want to help, but they realy don't understand. Write back Pam. I would like to know how you are doing.

Nov 06, 2012
I lost my son to suicide on 20 Sept 2010 UK
by: Pam Jones

After over two years the pain is still intense, please take care of yourself as you still have a life to live, until you see him again

Pam Jones

Jun 19, 2012
I lost my brother on 02-13-2010
by: Anonymous

It's me again. (I'll never be the same)
A person sent me this poem and it did help, so I'll share it with you guys...........

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."
It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.
God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)

Jun 19, 2012
I lost my brother 02-13-2010
by: Anonymous

I lost my older and only brother to suicide on Feb 13, 2010. He was 42 years old. Valentines day will never be the same. It's no longer a day of love for me, it's a day of loss. We had to make the decision to stop life support. That was the hardest decision I have ever made. Seeing him lay there with no brain activity and just knowing he is no longer with us. To this day it's still seems unreal.I expect him to call or knock on the door at anytime and then I realize he's no longer with us.For the first year, every morning when I would wake up, he would be the first thing that popped into my mind and the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep. When I see a car he had, a song on the radio or a place where we would hangout in town, it all comes back. He was my only brother. Now I feel so alone. Who will I sit with on the front porch when I get old and talk about all the stupid things we did as kids? His life was a mess toward the end and I feel like I should have done more to help, but I didn't. I can still remember the day well. Cold, snow on the ground and a overcast sky. Every winter I get depressed because it reminds me of that time. The last place I saw him was just outside the front doors where I work. I still work there and everyday I see the spot where he was standing and I think about him. The last couple of years of his life was hard, the last few months was crappy, the last few weeks was horrible and the last day was unbearable for him. I miss him sooooo much. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON.

Feb 17, 2012
My brother David
by: L a smith

To D Your comments are so raw but so true just what i needed at this moment . Take care L a smith

Feb 16, 2012
So Glad I found you guys!
by: Michelle

Hi everyone! I am so glad I found you guys. Reading through the posts, I feel "normal". I am so grateful to see God mentioned in these posts as well. That is what I am really hanging onto these days! My brother committed suicide January 28, 2012- 2 weeks ago. He was my only sibling, so it's just myself now. I am very fortunate that I have my mom and dad here in the same town. And I have a husband that loved my brother as if he were his own brother. It wasn't really unexpected when I got the news he took his life. My husband and myself and my folks spent a lot of time with the since last Thanksgiving. Jeff had to file for divorce earlier in 2011, as his wife kicked him out of their home and later tried to start holding him responsible for part of the payments. In addition to child support and setting up his own home, this was not an option for him. So, he filed for divorce and then the church came down on him. So, he felt he had no support in that area. My brother kept his eyes on the Lord until the end and was always asking forgiveness from everyone and the Lord. He felt like he had failed everyone in every way. His pain got to be sooooo deep, I couldn't even reach him. And we were so close and I knew I was losing him. He was so kind to his ex-wife right up until the end, and she tore his heart out again and again. That's just how he was. He would never hurt anyone- we always feared he would hurt himself. I thought I was holding up pretty well, but today have found myself sobbing uncontrollably and just aching in my heart. I miss him so much. I don't know if it's because I never went two weeks without seeing him. We saw each other on a daily basis- or ever other day, so now enough time has passed, I miss his physical presence. He was hurting so much though, it was almost as painful to spend the last few months with him that I did. Constantly trying to get him to stay with us, do things with us, not send him home alone to his apartment....if I would hear from him for an hour or two, I would send my husband to check on him, then came the night, my husband went to check on him, then the sirens....then the minister at my door. The nightmare I had for weeks had finally came to haunt me. I am grateful he is at peace now, that's all he was looking for. His pain got so bad, this was the only way he could see. I am not angry with my brother, nor do I blame his ex-wife or harbor any hard feelings toward her. But for us that are left here- these grieving pains are so roller coasterish. I was so glad to find this site and read your posts! Thank you all for sharing.

Dec 01, 2011
My brother David
by: L a smith

Just when I think I may be healing from my brother's suicide the pain creeps back . I remember every detail as if it were yesterday. I love you David

Aug 16, 2011
My son Anthony
by: Pam Jones

This is the first time I have seen your post. I now how painful this is for you. I too, lost my beautiful son aged 33 yrs on 20 September 2010. There has not been a single moment since that he is not in my thoughts. He too, took his own life after being ill for 6 years and only shortly before he took his life he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. This is an awful illness and robs our world of such strong enduring characters that cannot ever be replaced.

Apr 08, 2011
Love is a blessing
by: Shirley

Love comes with a cost. It's penalty is grief. The depth of your grief is a direct reflection of the depth of your love for the one you lost. The more you love them, the more deeply and longer you will grieve when you lose them. You can't be done with grief until grief is done with you.
It's ok not to feel ok

Apr 08, 2011
loss of an angel
by: Anonymous

I'd also like to add you mentioned you are dealing with depression please get the help you need, you mentioned your brother has 3 little boys , and now this will sound crazy but think of those boys too but make sure you are okay first, this way you can be a great source of comfort to them do what you can, call them visit them Im sure seeing you will only help them as seeing them will help you too... My brother did not have children and I know this will sound selfish but i wish he did ... think of the blessings you have, you can share your memories of your brother with his children and their memories of their father with you These memories will be a great source of comfort to you all.. Take care of yourself you owe it to yourself and to your family, to your nephews to your brother.. Be well

Apr 08, 2011
Loss of an angel
by: Anonymous

I lost my brother ,recently , in a car accident the thing is he was dealing with his personal demons for so long, he had his difficulties but he had his great moments too. He was the bravest man/ human being ive ever met he had his ups and downs he was dealing with a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia , he had issues with this of course but he followed thru on many, many of his dreams. from his camaro to his business ventures, I only realize now that he is gone, how lucky and blessed i am to have been his sister,how lucky we all were to know him. My siblings and i also know we have a million regrets, guilt .. , he lives in all of us ,as does your brother who lives in you and your family..Are we all different? How can we not be? As someone mentioned earlier God took back his gift We will mourn but we will live..As long as we do so, does he, in all of us. Please be strong for yourself and your family.........

Apr 06, 2011
We are here.
by: Anonymous

Your words speak to me and I think I have the words that no one else does. F##K THEM. To any one who says that they miss the old you are just selfish. My brother is gone, I am no longer myself and that is that. I am a person but if I am not who I was then I am am who I am. I miss my brother and am no longer the person I was. I am. That is all. I breath, I see and I feel but I am no longer me. This is all I can say because I know your pain. Were are still here and that is it. I am sorry if my words are not positive but they are real. I will never be me again, just a shell of what was. It has been four weeks and I pray that these feeling never change. Give me my brother back and I could be me but I am not. His blood runs through me and that is that. This is all I have, this is truth, I am different and that is all. God bless you, D

Mar 18, 2011
I am so sorry for your loss
by: Rebecca

I am not sure what to say to you to make you feel better. I too am suffering from the loss of my brother to suicide, just recently. I understand what you are going through really I do. Guilt is overwhelming. It seems that all I think about is my brother. I wished that would have just got on a plane and visited him, but I didn't because I take care of my grandchildren on the weekends. I don't let anyone else watch them because I am afraid they'll be molested, as I still suffer from being molested as child, so did my brother. So this isn't a win win, I thought I was protecting my grandchildren, but then on the other side my own brother was suffering and needed me there. But I did ask him to come visit me, that I'd buy his ticket, and he'd say yeah that's good idea. But he never took me up on it. Recently I just found out that my brothers partner has been impersonating my brother to the unemployment department as he's been fraudulently taking my brothers money out of the atm machine.
I hear it takes time, we'll see. I am seeking a therapist and a suicide survivors group.
Take care.

Jan 12, 2011
my baby brother
by: angela

I lost my baby brother to suicide August 26, 2010. I loved him so much. We were very close as children, he was all I had. He came home almost 4 years ago. His wife left him and did terrible things to him and his spirit.
When he came home everything went so fast. I felt the same as you when you say it shouldn't have been him. I wanted to take his pain away. I guess I've learned that we are the creators of our own troubles. Some things we have control of and a lot of things we do not.

I don't know that anything I say will help you deal with your pain better because for me some days don't seem better. "Time" that's what people keep telling me. It hurts so bad sometimes. I do realize now more than ever that God only gives us a little time in this life. I've found comfort in the smallest things in life. I have five children who need me and a husband that was sent to me and made by God just for me. My soulmate, as my brother would say.

Love is beautiful and can bring wonderful things to your life. There is a plan for all of us, we just have to search it out to find it and follow what we feel in our hearts. God is always present in our best moments, as well as in our darkest moments. Have faith. Sometimes we all lose our way. We have to pray and find our way back. God bless you on your journey and I hope that you find peace with your brothers choice. I know that "peace" was all my brother wanted.

Since my brothers death, I have a little bird that has visited my window almost every day since my brother has passed. First, it started with him hitting the window with his whole body for me to notice him. Now, he sits in the tree and peers in the window to see if I'm there. I know it sounds crazy; however, my husband and children have seen him to. So I know I haven't lost my mind. I believe it's that "peace" and a little comfort. Sometimes you just have to stop and look around to see it.

I don't know that I will ever know all that he thought the day he took his life. I have so many things I want to ask and to say to him. It is difficult to accept people's choices sometimes. I don't think that they realized the extent of their choices, and the effect they were going to have on everyone else. I tell my children "make good choices...they aren't just about you".

Suicide seems to have an after effect as well. Four months after my brothers death, his long time friend killed himself and left two beautiful children. Sometimes its difficult to see past so much sorrow.

There's a stigma that comes with suicide. So many questions left unanswered. I don't know that it is for us to understand, as much as it is for us to accept. Peace be with you and God bless. I hope that there is some comfort here that I have given to you.

Jan 10, 2011
Don't Feel Guilty
by: PatJ

After my brother passed away I was consumed with grief. I didn't know how to grieve either. I blamed myself for so much. That was 20 years ago. I now realize that I had nothing to feel guilty for. I beat myself up and did a really good job of it.

I finally had to say, "Let it go. God has a plan for every life and I had nothing to do with my brother dying at such a young age. My brother was responsible for his own life and wouldn't want me to feel like this."

Try to focus on the blessings in your life. If you have to, have a heart to heart conversation with your brother and really talk to him. Let him know how you feel and why. I'm sure he'll be listening.

God's blessings~please come to this web site often and write your feelings ~ it really helps.

Jan 10, 2011
To I lost my Brother 09/20/2010
by: Anonymous

I lost my brother I understand. I lost my son in October the only one I had. His 3 sisters feel guilty. I feel guilty at times. There is nothing either of us could have done. What God wanted was his children back.

There is no specific way to grieve. Each does it in their own time. Yes we change. It is because everything in life does change us but people notice more when they have a reason to point at. I changed and I know each of my children have to.

We actually had to turn the machines off on my son. He died of lack of oxygen to his brain and people who knew something was wrong but sat by and did nothing till it was to late.
There is no way you could have known just like I could not have known. Are there answers, Yes but they will only come from God himself.

You can not torture yourself for things beyond your control. Your brother if he wanted your help would have asked.

At this point we can only love and pray for them. Let yourself grieve and these people who don't like the new you don't have any idea at the depth of the love you had for him.

In death we are all helpless to explain or understand. But I try and remember that my son is kissing the face of God and he will live forever in my heart and in our memories. I take one minute, one hour and one day at a time. In the small steps may you find the courage to continue on.

Jan 10, 2011
Lost Brother
by: Colleen

Please know that you are not to blame for your brother. I am sure he saw no other way out for his problems. You are entitled to feel sad, the old you will come back once you have found acceptance. In the mean time ask your friends to be patient with you as you have lost your brother and you need to grieve for him. Wishing you strength in your road of grief.

Jan 10, 2011
by: Shirley

I lost my sister years ago to a drunk driver. I had never gone through such grief and didn't know how to handle it. It took three years before I was able to say her name without crying. I learned a lot in those three years. Finally I decided to become a nurse to take care of others in her honor. I achieved that goal and even went further and became a nurse practitioner. I just wanted to do something "constructive" with my grief.

Now, years later....I've lost my son. He was only 23 and died in August of leukemia. I'm back on the grief roller coaster again. This is much worse in one way yet it may be easier because I've done this before. I learned to just let the grief wash over me. I learned to cry when I needed to. I learned to join a support group. I learned to journal my feelings. I learned to be by myself if I needed to. I learned that other people want you to "get over it" but you don't have to. My little sister taught me these things in order that I would be able to deal with the death of my son years later.

Last night my youngest daughter, who had never met my little sister because she was born after my sister died looked at me and said, "Mom, I never understood why you were so sad so many years later after losing your sister. Now I understand." I hate that my other children now know how my grief felt. I never would have wished this on them.

Don't feel guilty about your grief. Just let it come.....one step, one breath at a time...

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