I lost my dad a little over a year ago.

by Dawn
(Baton Rouge LA)

I want to start off by saying my dad was my biggest fan. I was daddy's little girl. He wasn't just my dad he was my best friend. I was 6 months pregnant with my little girl when he died. I had flown across the country because he was in the hospital. When I arrived, I was told by the drs there was nothing else they could do and I had him transferred to hospice and signed the dnr paperwork like he wanted. He passed away two days later. I never had time to deal with any of the pain and grief over losing him. I had to prepare our new house that my husband and I had just gotten for our little girl, and shortly after our baby was born. To add insult to injury I lost my grandfather 7 months after my dad passed away. Now its been a little over a year later and I have realized that my grief has affected more than I thought. To the point its killing my marriage Im not the happy carefree person I used to be. My husband and I have been at each others throats becuase of it. He sat down tonight and told me I miss my wife I miss who you used to be. How do I go back to who I was and deal with the loss of my dad? I realized tonight Im the the person I was last year and i miss her. I just feel so lost. And I dont want my marriage to end just because I cant seem to move on.

Comments for I lost my dad a little over a year ago.

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Jun 16, 2012
dawn and dad
by: Anonymous

Hello Dawn,
I lost 2 very young children lost them years apart the boy was 4 and a few years later lost my daughter who was 3. then i lost my dad my heart fell out of my chest. its bad enough i never got over my kids but my dad. every day was hard for me i wasnt the same person as iwas ayear after my dad passed my husband said you need to get over it but you cant and i couldnt say nothing to him because we had lost his mother a few years before that.So i tryed getting back in to the swing of things first off your husband must love you very much to sit down and tell you he wants his wife back.... so i just started thinking of little comments my dad would make through my daily life believe me it helped alot there is not a moment in my day i dont think of him and my kids but would your dad want you to be depressed all the time................or would he tell you kiddo enjoy every minute you can?????????????

Jun 12, 2012
You have a lot on your plate
by: Nancy

Wow - you certainly have a lot on your plate. Having a child, have a young marriage, and having two deaths in a short period of time is a lot to deal with - you did not say whether or not you are getting some kind of counseling. Anyone of the issues mentioned above could cause problems for a marriage - the healing begins when both people can be open and honest in the relationship and truly talk about what is going on. I would hope that your husband can provide you with that sounding board. Even if all he can do is be your best friend - a shoulder to cry on. If he is emotionally unavailable hopefully he will be able to understand that you need to have an outlet and he would be able to allow you to get the support you need either through a minister, best friend, or some counseling agency you deserve it and your marriage deserves it. I hope you find what you are looking for. I will be praying for. Just know that you cannot fix what you do not acknowledge.

Jun 12, 2012
Lost Dad a year ago
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Dawn
I am sorry for the loss of your Dad and Grandad.
When someone is so busy to grieve it just goes underground to be dealt with later. You cannot postpone this it will resurrect itself later and be worse to deal with.
Because you are in crisis with your marriage and postponed grief. You need to find a counsellor quickly if you want to save your marriage. This is important. You won't be able to move forward and cope better unless you get some support and bereavement counselling.
You say your husband wants his wife back. This is a clue to the point that he can't cope with the changes in you and he is struggling and may have to walk away from you only inasmuch as he needs some space and help with his own struggles so he can move forward better. It will work. Trust me. Counselling does work and you will be happy again.
We all want to get back to the person we were but death will have changed this. You and your husband need to process this and accept those changes and work with them to better both your lives for the sake of the new baby also who will need to not pick up on any stress that would make parenting harder and less joyfull and the baby would probably cry more with the tension around you both at this difficult time. You both have to be committed to this and don't give up. It is so easy to walk away. But to what? It will be a very lonely place with separation and coping with the loss of Dad and Grandad.
I was married for 44 years and loved my husband since the day we met. He spent the last 44years of his working life all over the world working and I had to bring up 3 children all by myself. But I was determined to make my marriage work and was committed to my husband and children come what may. Even if it put my own needs on hold forever I did it for the welfare of the one's I loved. My husband got cancer and he was difficult to live with at times as his personality changed and he was aggressive and this was not his nature so I had to swallow hard. Times I wanted to walk away but just left the room to have a cry and came back to nurse him for the whole 3years 39days. I was committed to do what I needed to do and also because I loved him. He was my heartbeat. He passed away 5 weeks ago and it hurts like hell. I purchased a grave for 2 so I will be buried in the same plot in a burial chamber. Oh how my heart aches for Steve. I miss him so much my soul bleeds constantly I can hardly bear the pain. But I have to be here for my daughter of 31yrs the youngest who lives with me. It is hard to go on each day. But I take one day at a time.
Best wishes for the future and I hope it all works out.

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