I lost my dear husband

by Versa Jenkins
(Nampa, Idaho USA)

February 24, 2013

I want to fill you in on a short description of our lives before his stroke. So you have a brief description of our lives. I do hope I don’t bore you with this.

I lost my dear husband Feb.4th, 2013. We got married Aug. 20, 2011. But had been together for 26 years already before marrying. We had our ups and downs through out the years but always worked it out. We would have horrible fights and he would move out. The fights were always over the same thing him accusing me of cheating on him. Which I never,ever did. In a short time we would work through it and be together again. I loved him dearly even at the worst times we had. I would always remember the good memories we had and that out weight the bad. We loved to go dancing, we loved socializing, and we partied a lot. He had an amazing voice and would sing to me such beautiful songs. He did a lot of Karaoke and would win contest. I owned a bikini bar, and he was one of the best Disc jockeys in the valley for a bikini bar.
In Dec. 2010 we went through another issue of me cheating and he moved out. While he was gone a friend came to me and told me that he was the one that was cheating on me and who with. I confronted him with it and he of course denied it, that he knew the lady but they were just friends. I believed him because I loved him so much and couldn’t understand how he could do such a thing to me.
January 16, 2011, In the middle of the night I received a phone call from the hospital that he had, had a massive stroke, and was asking for me. He was 57 years old. I immediately went to the hospital. When I got to the hospital he was in surgery, it seemed like hours before anyone came to tell me he had survived and was lucky to be alive. He was totally paralyzed on his left side, had some brain damage, & memory loss. After leaving the hospital that day I went to his apartment to make sure it had got locked up properly. The woman he supposedly was having the affair with was there. I confronted her with what I had heard. She came out and told me they had been, like it was no big deal even though she knew we had been together all these years. That we needed to worry about him and not ourselves at that time. I wanted to rip her heart out like she had just done mine. I demanded the keys from her and told her their was no us just me and threw her out. When he was well enough and was placed in a care facility I then told him that I knew the truth and he had to decide on rather he wanted her or me that I wasn’t going to play the game. He wanted to be with me and told her to move on.
He had to go through intense therapy and needed cared for 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He was miserable where he was and they couldn’t give him one on one care for they had other patients to tend to also After so many months of therapy they felt that he could come home if I was willing to stay home with him or arrange for someone to be with him at all times. So I gave my business literally away so I could care for him at home where he would be more comfortable and brought him home.
On August 20, 2011, we had a beautiful wedding ceremony in our yard with close friends and family and were married. All his friends and family that attended told me that was the happiest they had ever seen him.
Along with the stroke he also developed COPD and had to be on oxygen all the time to help him breathe. He was wheel chair bound. He couldn’t dress himself, had to be helped in and out of bed. He had to have every thing done for him. Even taken to the bathroom and helped on and off the toilet and wiped. Eventually he became incontinent not even realizing he had messed his pants. The muscles in his throat also had been affected and had trouble eating so his weight started declining. He had therapy three to four times a week that I needed to take him to. I had to help him in and out of the car by myself. Now I am only 5’2” and weigh all of 98 lbs. So this was not an easy task. I did manage to get a bath aid in 3 times a week and a caregiver on Fridays for 5 hours so I could go grocery shopping, take care of what ever I needed to, or do what ever I wanted to just to get away for awhile.
In 2012, he started declining, the therapy stopped because they could do no more for him, and it wasn’t doing any thing for him. Also it was so hard on him and me taking him out of the house all the time. In January 2013 we finally had to have Hospice come in. The weather was so cold I was afraid to take him even for doctor appointments and he was getting so weak.
He would fight me when it was time to go to bed and think of everything under the sun to stay up longer. He refused to lie down in bed to take even a nap. I feel he was afraid to sleep and not wake up. He became so weak he couldn’t even sit up in his wheelchair and I had to strap him in to keep him from falling out. About a week before he died had to confine him to bed. He had lost so much weight that he probably weighed all of 90 some lbs. On the 3rd of February he was having a lot of difficulties breathing when it was time for bed. I gave him everything I was told to give in such a case and nothing helped so called Hospice to come in and they gave him more medicine finally got his breathing controlled and he was able to go to sleep. I checked every hour on the hour through out the night and he was sleeping soundly. The next morning when he woke he started having breathing difficulties again so called Hospice again to come immediately. They were doing what they could for him. I stayed right beside him talking to him and trying to comfort him to let him know that I was there. Hospice had been with him for about an hour. I stepped out of the room to cry as soon as I did my sweet, sweet husband past away February 04, 2013 at 12:32 P.M. He was buried on February 21, 2013 at the age of 58.
Had a beautiful ceremony for him, it was a military ceremony. He had family that came from New Orleans, LA., that is where he was born and raised. Joined the Air Force after graduating from High School and they stationed him in Mountain Home, Idaho, and remained in Idaho. He spent 6 years in the military. Then went into the Air Guards for another 16 years before retiring from the military. Altogether he spent 22 years in the service. My family, his daughter, grandchildren, and a lot of friends came to say their goodbyes.
I told you all of this because I wanted you to know our background of what we have been through.
After he had his stroke, the doctors said he was lucky to survive but I don’t feel he was, God should have taken him then rather than putting him through so much pain. If it had been me I feel I would have been hateful and bitter at the world for taking my quality of life from me. But he turned into being the most sweetest, loving man that any woman could want. Always thanking me for things that I would do for him, always telling me how beautiful I was, and how proud he was that I was his wife. He hated to see me leave the house but would be so happy when I got home. I have guilt feeling about not caring for him better or spending more quality time with him. He would ask me in the sweetest voice to sit down and watch TV with him. Or that he was lonely come and talk with him. But I was always busy doing laundry, fixing dinner or something and I will later when I am done. I wish I could turn back the clock so when he would ask me these things I would have sat down with him even for just 10 minutes or so I know he would have been happy with that. I wish I hadn’t lost my temper with him sometimes when he would mess his pants, or not want to go to bed or what ever it might have been. I would not hit him or anything but would scold him. I wish I could change all of that. There are times I would say here it is Friday night and we can’t even go out or go dancing we are stuck at home, or tell him this is no way to live that we were suppose to have a good life and grow old together. I know this would hurt his feelings and I should have just kept my thoughts to myself. I made him promise not to leave me to stay with me and he tried so hard to keep his promise even though he was in such horrible pain. I did kiss him every night when I put him to bed and tell him how much I loved him and he would tell me he loved me also. Whenever I did get angry with him I would tell him how terribly sorry I was. I would have rather be fighting with him for I always knew we would work things out. The phone rings and for a brief second I think it might be him calling, or have thoughts that any minute now he will walk through the door. I did try to care for him the best I could, Hospice has told me that I took excellent care of him but I feel I could have done better. I miss him so terribly much and I want him back with me so badly. All I can do is lye in bed and cry and cry. I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to see anyone I just want my love back with me where he belongs. I would have taken care of him forever. Not to be dead, not to have died on me. I don’t know how I can go on with out my husband, the man I have loved for so long.
If it wasn’t for my loving dog who is always showing me love. He needs me as much as I need him. I have had him for 13 years and he has always been beside me to help me get through the bad times. I feel If it weren’t for him I would end my suffering.
This is my life, I feel so terribly lost, and miss him so very much. I would do anything to have him back.

Comments for I lost my dear husband

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Feb 25, 2013
So Sorry
by: June

Versa, as Doreen says"don't be so hard on yourself". This is a hard road to go. I feel as you do, I want my husband back and only now after almost a year I do realize that won't be happening. It is so very hard. Things just don't seem to matter anymore. Like you, I have a great dog,and a cat. They keep you going and all they want is love, food, and walks. They know when I am feeling down. I really don't know what to say to you, I feel that it is getting harder as time goes on. I don't break down as much but I miss Mike so much.
This website has helped me, along with friends, family and volunteer work, but it isn't the same and the house can be very lonely.
Thinking of you and hoping you will find some sort of peace.
I am hoping Mike and I will be "Together Again", but in reality I know it probably won't happen. Life goes on.

Feb 24, 2013
Thank You
by: Versa

Thank You Doreen for you kind and thoughtful words. My sadness and loss is still so fresh. I do hope in time I won't feel so bad about the things I didn't do and should have. I just wish I go back in time and make it right.

Although my husbands illness I kept asking myself how God could put him through such pain and make us suffer so much also. It is a cruel, cruel joke that he plays and it's not fair.

Watching your loved one in pain & slipping away from you and life is so very difficult and unfair. I am happy that I was by his side through the whole ordeal. He knew that I loved him and he loved me so that helps make it so much better.

Yes I forgave him for his affair and probably affairs, but never will forget. I would tell him when he was doing his accusing that I didn't know what he was doing but what ever it was don't try and make me guilty of it also. Yes those that do the accusing are generally the ones that are doing it.

The b---h he was messing around with, had the nerve to come to the viewing of his body. Fortunately my husbands daughter and I had discussed this matter before hand and she knew who the woman was. So quietly removed her from the viewing. But was not seen until she signed the quest book and was actually standing by his coffin and him.

I am so sorry to hear that your husband became angry with his pain and suffering. That had to be so terribly hard on you, but you must be a strong woman to look past it. I was lucky that my husband turned into such a sweet man and was so grateful to have me with him.

I send my love to you and your lose.

Feb 24, 2013
I lost my dear husband
by: Doreen U.K.

Versa don't be so hard on yourself. You did a most fantastic job of caring for your husband. You should applaud yourself for first not holding his affair with this woman before him. You got on with the job of caring for him in the best way you could. When your husband accused you of having an affair. I guessed it was him who was having the affair. Many men play the game this way. If they can accuse their wives it somehow gets them over their own guilt. You managed to work this one out and you got married. I am sorry for your loss of a husband you loved so much. It is normal for you to feel the way you do. It is called RAW GRIEF. You wonder how you can go on with your life without your beloved husband.
I lost my husband to a deadly cancer which was aggressive, incurable, inoperable. He died 10 months ago and we were married 44yrs. He died before retirement when our life would have made more sense to us to have some down time for us to enjoy. We had earned it.
Steve suffered for over 3yrs.39days the most horrible painful cancer. The cancer caused his personality to change and he became angry. This was the most painful time for me to see my husband slowly die and I couldn't help him. He became angry with me. There were times I could have walked away because he was so very difficult and argumentative. But I walked out of the room. Had a good cry and came back to CARE FOR HIM. Being a caregiver is also a very painful experience for the carer. Just like you my Steve would ask me to come and sit with him. Times I had to cook and care for the family. But most of the time. I LEFT EVERYTHING. I sat with him. I massaged his legs and his back and wherever it brought him relief. I am happy I got the chance to end his days doing the right thing. Steve got it. I LOVED HIM MORE THAN WORDS COULD SAY. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't spend the time with your husband when he wanted. Think of the times YOU DID. Focus on this and build up the good memories. There will always be times in our lives when we didn't do everything right. It is part of being human. I did many things wrong, and made many mistakes. But I write my regrets in sand and my achievements in stone. So that I can build on this for the other's left in my life. May God comfort you in your sorrow and loss and bring you Peace.

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