I LOST MY FATHER AND I FEEL SO GUILTY

by JAMIE HIBBS
(CINCINNATI, OHIO HAMILTON COUNTY)


MY STORY: I JAMIE HIBBS LOST MY FATHER ON NOVEMBER 4TH 2010. HIS NAME IS FRANK A WIENER JR. THE REASON I FEEL SO GUILTY IS BECAUSE I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION TO REMOVE MY DAD FROM A VENTILATOR BECAUSE HE WASN'T RESPONSIVE TO MEDICATIONS AND HAD BEEN ON THE VENTILATER FOR 7 DAYS. ON NOVEMBER 3RD THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND SAID TO ME THAT MY DAD WASNT GOING TO RESPOND AND THAT THERE WAS NO HOPE, I FROZE, I DIDNT BELIEVE IT I FELT LIKE THE DOCTORS WERE JUST GIVING UP ON MY DAD BECAUSE IT WAS THROUGH THE VA HOSP. SO IN MY HEAD I SAID NO NO NO HE WILL WAKE UP, HES BEEN ON THE VENT BEFORE AND CAME OUT A NEW MAN AND I TRULY BELIEVED THAT. BUT AS I SAT THERE AND WATCH HIM LAYING IN THAT BED WITH ALL THESE TUBES AND WIRES AND THE VENT, I FELT GUILTY BECAUSE I HAD THOSE DOCTORS DOING EVERYTHING TO KEEP MY DAD ALIVE AND I DIDNT REALIZE THAT I WAS BEING SELFISH AND JUST MAKING SURE MY DAD DIDNT DIE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO LOSE HIM BUT I KNEW IN MY HEART THAT DAD WAS ALREADY GONE MEANING HIS SPIRIT WASNT IN HIS BODY ANYMORE SO IT TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD INSIDE OF ME TO SAY OK I WANT MY FATHER TO HAVE PEACE SO ME MY SISTER AND AUNT ARLENE WAS BY MYSIDE WITH MY DAD AND THE NURSES PASTOR AND DOCTORS AND WHEN THEY REMOVED THE VENT HE BREATHED ON HIS OWN FOR 12 MINS AND HE FOUGHT LIKE HELL AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS OK TO LET GO THAT I UNDERSTOOD THAT HE JUST COULDNT FIGHT ANY LONGER. THEN HE TOOK ONE LAST BREATH AND HE WAS GONE. ONE MONTH LATER I CUT MY WRIST AND WENT TO PCS OVERNIGHT SINCE THEN I TRY AND DEAL WITH MY FATHERS LOSS. BUT I REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS AND I KNOW HE'S IN HEAVEN LOOKING DOWN ON ME AND HE'S HAPPY. I STILL CRY AND IT STILL HURTS LIKE HELL BUT I'M MOSTLY AFRAID THAT I WILL TRY AND HURT MYSELF AGAIN. SO I TAKE IT DAY BY DAY. SINCERLY, JAMIE HIBBS

Comments for I LOST MY FATHER AND I FEEL SO GUILTY

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Aug 27, 2013
You are not alone!!
by: cjdodson312@yahoo.com

I had to do the same for my husband in 2011. I have had tremendous guilt over this however I know inside that he couldn't keep suffering and the medication and nothing else was helping him. These are normal feelings because we love them. To make things worse, my sister in law did not support my decision and run me down on Facebook not realizing the extent of his suffering, pain and sickness. I eventually I deleted her because she was not understanding and I already felt bad as it was. The truth is God knows everything and He is in charge and always will be, I will see Pete when I get to heaven!

Nov 27, 2011
Jamie, We Have Some Things in Common
by: Cindy

Jamie, we have some things in common.

1. My father passed away March 25, 2011. I am dealing with some guilt feelings--not quite the same as yours, but guilt nonetheless.

2. My father's first name was Frank.

3. My father-in-law's last name is Wiener!

4. The picture of your father reminds me of my father-in-law (who is currently 89).

While I can understand your feelings, please know they are not abnormal, even for many people. It's part of the grieving process. I agree with others that it would be great for you to see a grief counselor to help you work through your feelings.

If you would care to write to me, you can contact me at: CindyinCal @ yahoo . com (without all the spaces, of course. ;-) )

Blessings!

Cindy


Nov 21, 2011
you are a shining s
by: marky pars s/ wales

hi sweet heart you are an angel sent by god hun no one could have expected you to do do more lovely its been a while since ive been on this site iff ive upset anyone with my previous comments i hold up my hand and say sorry ive been through a rough patch since dad has gone my sincere apologies

marky pars xxx

Jan 15, 2011
Guilt is useless but we all have it
by: Mom from VA

Jamie,

As a mother you have me worried sick. I know that you have these emotions swimming inside you. I BEG you to keep reading. There are others here that have also had to made the decision to pull life support.

My father had a DNR do not resuscitate. So when he had a stroke and could not eat there were no feeding tubes, no I.Vs for morphine, nothing. DO NOT RESUSCITATE meant that I had to watch my father starve to death for a week.

My dad was a wonderful man, he was super dad. I always asked him how to do anything. He had talents that I did not inherit. He painted in oil then switched over to watercolors when he went into the retirement home. His mind was always sharp as a tack as his body withered.

I assumed he was still strong because his determination never left him and he was always positive. He told me that the wall between my kitchen and dining room was not a bearing wall and we removed it together. He did such a fine job that you cannot tell that it was ever done.

He hated being called a perfectionist or perfect.
But being an engineer that is just the way his mind worked.

I am sorry that I veered off the subject, I have never really had the chance to mourn my father as I was taking care of my sick husband when he died Jan 20,2008.

My point is we loved our fathers with all our hearts and they knew/know it. They would not want us to self destruct. They still from above want the best for us. Still Looking out for us as they have their whole life in their own way.

I am begging you not to harm yourself and to get help with the grief and guilt that is eating you up inside. We are meant to forge ahead and keep the lessons learned from our dads and use it to make a better life for ourselves.

Please keep reading, there are others who feel as you do. Lean on us we are here anytime. and remember our motto: One breath one step at a time.
HH

Jan 15, 2011
Guilty
by: Colleen

You have nothing to feel guilty about. By taking your dad off the ventilator you were showing him how much you love him by giving him release. I am sure you knew the heartache you were going to have by losing him, but you still did the one thing that would give your dad peace, that is the ultimate love that you showed your dad. So grieve for the loss of your dad but please not not feel guilty.

Jan 14, 2011
Stop feeling Guilty
by: Judith

Jaime, Please know we are sorry for your loss. Then please go get help so you can talk things out and realize you did the best for your father. And then to make sure won't hurt yourself again.

Your being gone will only disrespect your father. HE would want you to be okay.
Please promise you will go see a counselor or Clergyman or Psychologist.

Come here often to get your feelings out.

Jan 14, 2011
Don't Feel Guilty
by: PatJ

Jamie,
I lost my husband on December 3rd. He also was a patient at the VA. We left the VA over a year before he passed because we weren't happy with the care. The doctors and nurses we dealt with were excellent and took fabulous care of the patients. As a nurse and medical office supervisor I know good patient care when I see it. My complaint was with the VA administration and their inadequate attempt to get my husband placed on a heart transplant list.

Don't feel guilty. I had to make the decision to turn the device off that was keeping my husband's heart beating. As I look at the picture of your wonderful dad I see my husband, in the hospital, the oxygen, the patient ID band. My husband spent the last year of his life 75% of the time in the hospital fighting to stay alive. I know that I pushed and pushed to keep him alive because I didn't want to lose him either.

A father and daughter relationship is very special. You can't feel guilty. I treasure every day I got to spend with my husband (although the last year was hard seeing him so sick).
You have to take it one day at a time. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You're hurting your dad if you do that. Come to this web site and write your feelings. It really does help. God's blessings to you.

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