I lost my husband to a massive heart attack
I lost my Paul on 07/05/11 to a massive heart attack. Our 16th wedding anniversary was 08/12/11. I feel so lost without him. I met him when I was 23 and he was 38. Even though there was a big age difference, he at 38 had more energy than guys who were my age at the time. My parents had me late in life, so he was not a father figure because my siblings were his age. On 03/05/03 he had a very devastating motorcycle accident, I almost lost him then and after a year and a half of both physical and brain therapy, he became what his Drs. called his walking miracle. Even after his brain injury he was still a wonderful husband and father. A week before he died he had a Dr. appointment and all his labs and EKG were fine. A year and a half before he had a exercise and nuclear stress test and an echo done on him. I guess what bothers me so much is after making it through that he just went so quick. We went to his sisters house for the day and when we got home one of our dogs had died. He was so upset, plus the brain injury magnified it. I told him that if he did not calm down that I was going to call 911 and have him put on an ativan drip, even if I had to Baker Act him to do it. She was a very beautiful, very large female Collie who was every bit of 10 years old. I even looked up their life spans, which is 10-12. I just could not calm him down and then he started vomiting. He vomited 3 times and on the last time his head went forward into the basket, at this time I was getting up to get dressed to take him to the hospital. I went to him and he tried to say Babe and then his eyes rolled back then came down fixed. I called 911 and started CPR until Ems got there. In my heart, because I work at a local hospital I think they brought him to the ER, but in my heart I know that I lost him then. Hind sight is 20/20 I should have just called 911 in the first place. Maybe they could have done something for him. He also lost his 2 older brothers in 28 months from the day he died. So because of that I have guilt that I should have called 911 to begin with when I first thought of it. I feel so lost! In minutes I lost my best friend, companion, and protector. I know that I will never find anyone who had the heart that he had and the giving nature to help anyone. People tell me, well at least he did not suffer, I find no comfort yet in those words. After his accident he had chronic pain, but he still had so much life in him there never went a day that he did not make me or anyone around him laugh. I do not want to hurt myself in any kind of way I just do not want to go on, if that makes sense. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and the pain is not easing. Alot of people who tell me it will get better, have not lost their spouse or have never been married, so how could they know the grief that I feel? I just cannot imagine never seeing his smile or beautiful blue eyes again. The anxiety from fear is almost unbearable,most of the time. I started counseling and going to be going for more grief counseling from Hospice. I know he would want me to move forward and I know the right things that I should be doing, but it isn't working for me. Any advice from someone who has been there would be greatly appreciated because this grief is just consuming me. Thank you and God Bless.