I lost my husband unexpectedly going on 8 months
I never thought in a million years that i would lose my husband at such a young age, he was 53 and i am 50. He passed away December 1, 2013 it is now going to be 8 months. We were together 33 years! He wasn't just my husband he was my best friend. We have 4 children together and 2 grandchildren. Between the months of August-September 2013 he had changed personality wise, being bitter and not getting any better. He took care of me since we were together he always said i will take care of you and after having the children which they are the ages of 26, 23, 20, 14 he said you stay home and let me worry about making the money. He was a man of his word, he was one of the hardest working men i have and will ever know he can outwork a 20 something year old. He was a jack of all trades master of them all. Now i want to say that my husband did what he had to do to make ends meet he did work for the union, and was self-employed with a great business. But business of course wasn't surviving we started to deplete our savings to make ends meet because of how we were getting paid, he was completely self-employed. But we both had made a decision that he would go to work for someone else as much as he hated that thought but he would do it and we would fix our home and sell everything and move. But he wasn't looking like himself he had high Blood Pressure and he wasn't one for taking medications nor seeing a doctor but he did and was on the medication but when he got that reading his BP was pretty good he tossed the pills he couldn't handle the way he felt from the BP pills making him tired as well. I had noticed his color wasn't right and i told him you need to go back to the doctor and find out what's going on with you, he was sick more sick then he led on to me i begged him to please go to the doctor he had told me after the Thanksgiving Holiday he was to have a test and I would go with him for this but he was complaining two weeks prior to his death he was cold but still managed to get up to go to work all through this period where he should have been in the hospital. The day before Thanksgiving he had a doctor's appt he cancelled it now i know he would have been in the ER if he kept the appt but i didn't know what was going on till after he passed. The day after Thanksgiving he came home from work he sat on the couch put a blanket on watching TV im making leftovers feeding my gran-daughter asking him if he wanted anything he said he would pick later no appetite he asked me to give him a some cold medicine he wasn't feeling well after i gave him this medicine he went to lay back got up off the couch suddenly went into the laundry room and within seconds i didn't see him i ran over to the laundry room he was unresponsive i was screaming call 911 they were there within 4 minutes i couldn't take watching what was happening to him he was brought up to the ER and when i was able to see him he was all hooked up to machines his body temp was cold they had him on every type of medication they were putting units and units of blood into him he went into the hospital with total blood loss he had none. Every time they would take him off of a medication to see what his reaction would be he would go back into the same condition not good. His body was shutting down i never ever could imagine that this man i have been with this could happen to him he never was sick rarely did he even get colds and here he was dying. The doctor told me at this point he was Brain Death no blood reaching his brain, he was gone.I told my children enough is enough i can't take watching his body filing up with fluid no longer we need to call the family get them up to the hospital, we needed to take him off the machine i stood there with everyone with the priest praying for him as everyone said their good-byes to him,we all walked out of the room while they took him off of all machines. I came in the room and laid on top of his chest listening to his heart stopping it stopped and i couldn't let go of him i laid there for a half hour holding his hand i knew i had to walk out of there knowing that this would be the last time i would ever see him again. I had him cremated he is next to me on my living room table with an angel that has been lit since his passing..Everyday i struggle and cry we had such a special relationship with each other, he is all i knew he is the one that took care of me, and i ask the question why didn't he let me help him. I will never know why ever. I fall into depression where i do not want to see no one talk to no one i just want to be left alone. Now that it will be 8 months on August 1st there are days i can go without feeling this way but now for some reason i am going backwards like it just happened. We were supposed to do so many things together now i will never be able to do these things ever..I try so hard to fight this feeling, but when i wake up every morning i can tell the day i am going to have immediately. I know this is going to take a long time as my heart has been crushed into millions of pieces to put them back together will be a long time. I will never understand what he was thinking his family, his youngest his son 14 grandchildren his gran-daughter who he loved and cherished never met his grandson he was just born 8 weeks ago but knew he was going to be a gran-father again. I am surrounded by my family but it's not helping all i can think of is not having my husband by my side walking in the door from work making dinner for him i am at a point where i sometimes cannot stand be around people no matter who they are..I want to start feeling where i can wake up feeling better knowing my day will be okay but right now it's not happening. I have lost a good man he is all i knew from the time i was 19 years old. I feel some days i can be okay but a lot of the days i feel awful, lonely, like i am totally alone especially more throughout the day is my worst time of the day because it just gives me more time to think about him and he isn't ever coming home all day long and the day just drags on, and in the evening's we used to watch TV together now that would be the shorter of the time we spent together of the day because he would have to get up early to go to work so we would spend that time in the evening sitting with each other watching shows or just being together. But that was also another problem being intimate with each other, he lost complete interest in that and i will not go into detail about that but i saw why he didn't want to be intimate when he was in the hospital. All i know is that I miss him so much I cannot believe that I am without the man I've been with for all these years. Some people handle loss differently but I am telling you my story of our life together and gain i always say why didn't he just pass out on the job and be taken up to the hospital and then get testing done i can keep asking myself that but I know at the end of the day I will never know why this happened.. I am bitter, angry, sad, lonely, depressed and confused I pray and hope that I will be able to come to terms with losing him accept it; I do not have that closure not by a long shot. I can keep writing about my life with my husband from day 1 with him to the day he paased but i will do that on my own..Maybe if I wrote a book about our life together It could make me feel better but I know that a lot of emotions would pour out of me writing it..I will end this with I am in a total struggle with this great loss in my life I have to take one day at a time to accept this. Right now I am in between accepting and not accepting this.