I lost my identical twin boys at 29 weeks.

by Susan Kyna Wade
(Wichita,KS)

On Monday November 28th 2011 I had a normal day planned out along with a regular prenatal check-up that afternoon. While I was at my prenatal appointment everything was going just fine until they did the sonogram. The ob doctor said she couldn't see Baby A's heartbeat, so they sent me over to the hospital immediately to get the babies checked out. When I got to the hospital it was so very rushed, I felt so overwhelmed and nervous about it. Once I got to the labor and delivery area they took me into a room and put me in a gown and started asking me all kinds of questions. Then a lady came in to do a sonogram of the babies, the whole time she was doing the sonogram she didn't say anything to me. I really wanted to ask her, "is everything ok", but I didn't. After she left the nurse started asking me more questions, then 3 more people came in and I just knew something was not right. The doctor held my hand and said "I have some bad news, both of your babies are dead". I was in such shock I didn't know what to say or do. I was really confused and unsure of what I had just heard. I was especially confused because just less then two weeks prior to this I had went into see a specialist to get a detailed sono of both babies done to make sure they were healthy and everything was ok. When I was at my doctors appointment right before this horrible news, they had told me everything came back good on the twins and they were up to date, healthy and looking good. So when the doctor told me my twins were gone, I was just floored! Like "how could this be", "they were healthy and I had no complications", "I just don't get it", "what happened". I had soo many questions and they could answer none of them. They had no idea what happened to them. I finally broke down in tears and just laid there completely helpless, I didn't know what to say or do. I was so scared and angry all at once. "How could this happen to me", "What did I do to deserve this", "I did everything right". So then the doctor told me they were going to have to deliver them vaginally and I needed to do it as soon as possible, because if they were in the womb too long dead like that, it could cause complications for me and become dangerous. They told me I could take a day to grasp all of this and come back if I wanted but that was it! I just asked if I could wait for my husband to get there before I make any decisions. They said that was fine. Once my husband showed up I was so upset I could barely talk, I couldn't stop crying. I had to tell him our twins were gone and that I had to deliver them as soon as possible. We both decided to go ahead and deliver them and stay in the hospital. So then the process started on getting me ready to deliver. They put an IV in my hand, which they stuck me 2 other times before this because they couldn't find a good vein, they said my veins were too little. So that was fun, NOT!!!! After they put the IV in they gave me a pill to help soften my cervix. So I had to wait 4 hours after taking that before they would induce me. Well after about 2 hours on that I started to feel contractions so they thought maybe I didn't need to immediately get put on pitocin after the 4 hours were up. After all 4 hours were up they came in to check my cervix and I was dilated to a 2, so they decided instead of putting me on pitocin yet, they would give me the same pill again since I was naturally reacting to it. So at this point it was midnight and so they gave me an ambien to get some rest overnight. At about 6 am they came in to check me again and I went up to a 3. So they started me on pitocin. At about 8 am my OB came in and broke my water. So here I was leaking fluid all hooked up to the machine and trying to deal with all of this while knowing I am going to be delivering my twins dead! Next came the epidural, which was horrible. It was painful but so worth it. This was the worst day of my life. It didn't take long before I went from a 4 to a 9 1/2. I just felt pressure all of a sudden and BAM! I was ready to go. It was weird because I could feel baby A's head coming down and I was trying to hold him in waiting on my OB to show up. Once she showed up it was pretty easy to deliver Luke (Baby A). He came out in one push they Jack (Baby B) came out 4 minutes later. It was weird seeing them but at the same time so freaking sad too. They were so small but had all their human parts. They even had hair on their heads. My husband and I were able to say our goodbyes and touch them/ hold them. It was the hardest thing ever! I miss them soo much. The nurses and doctors were all so friendly and helpful. They made castings of there feet and hands. They gave us memory boxes with a lock of each of their hair. The OB said by looking at them that Luke (Baby A) died before Jack (Baby B). they said they hadn't been dead that long either. For Luke a little over a day and Jack pretty recent. They said it could of been a cord accident but they were not sure, so we signed paperwork to get autopsys done on both the babies to know the cause of death. We will find out the results in a few weeks. As for them being buried the hospital offers a free service at a cemetary where other babies are born that didn't make it, it is free and yet we won't know when they will be buried we can visit the monument anytime we want to remember them. They will be buried together in the same casket. This has just been such a hard thing to grasp. I feel robbed of my babies and just wish I could of done something to save Jack at least. I just had no control over this and that makes me angry. I just don't get how I had no complications or problems at all with this pregnancy and they are all of sudden dead! Just like that gone forever! My husband and I are still grieving and trying to recover from our horrible loss, I just hope in a year and half when we try again, that this won't happen to us again. I have a 6 year old son from a previous relationship who is perfectly normal and healthy. So I hope I could have two more babies with my husband and they don't die like my twins did. That will give me ultimate peace, to know I could have two more children and not experience a loss again.