I lost my love Landon

My story is of Landon. A man I loved with every part of my soul, who, in the end, did not love me enough. We met at church and I immediately had an attraction to him. I had a crush for the first time in years. You can imagine my excitement when he called to ask me out. We hit it off on our first date. Landon was excited to be with me and made it clear. Before even dating a week, he said he wanted to be “exclusive” and just date one another. I liked what I saw with him and enthusiastically agreed.

We spent all our spare time together. It was wonderful. All until he let me use his phone, blackberry, and when I went to turn it on it had a conversation on there that said this...” (my name) is an awesome girl. I don’t think I will find anyone who treats me better, but you know what I like... I like a girl with a thin waist, long/straight brown hair, long sexy legs, and someone who dresses well, and she is none of those.” I was heartbroken.

All he had ever told me was how wonderful I was. Not knowing what to do, I told him I was feeling sick and he had to leave. The next day, not being able to focus at work, I wrote him a long email explaining what I had read. I told him how it affected my self-esteem and how hurt I was. I told him that he was focusing on things I have no control over…my height, my natural curly hair, my lack of thin waist….I told him if he had a problem with those things then to complain to God. I’m 5’2’’ and wear a size 3….come on.

Anyway, I told him if you love someone you love all of them…you can’t love people in slices. Later that night he called and said he couldn’t’ take back what he said because he obviously must have felt those things if he said them. He told me he was shallow and lacked my ability to love wholly.

Not wanting to lose him, I told him the way I see it there are three roads we can take
1. Keep dating one another exclusively.
2. Date one another but date others also so he can find Miss. Perfect (this, I told him, was my preference because I didn’t want to lose him)
3. Stop dating.

He told me he just wanted to date me and that he would make it up to me. Well, I forgive easily and he acted loving and I was in his arms again.

In January we got in a fight because he called me on the phone, was not talking much, and so I said I had to go…which I did….I was in my final year of my masters degree, held 3 callings in church, and worked full time. He then came over and broke up with me. I was shocked. I sobbed and told him I loved him and that I envy the person who gets to be with him.

He then said “What am I doing? I can’t live without you. I can’t believe I’m going to do this” and pulled me into another room where he got on his knee and proposed. I was like “Yes! Wait..No? What? Are you serious?” He then said he has been selfish and loves me and knows I am good for him…that he would never find someone who loved him so much or treated him so well.

I was so happy. We went and picked out rings and were planning our wedding. I went dress shopping, we picked out a reception center…we were making the plans for our life. But he seemed stressed. He wasn’t done with his bachelors degree and has difficulty having self restraint with money, so he was feeling burdened.

I, on the other hand, have lots of money in savings and have a good job. I could tell he was stressed but kept assuring him that together we would make it. But sometimes he’d be so distant and that, for me, is so hard to take. Then, on a Sunday, he came over to my house and very simply said. “I can’t do this; I’m breaking up with you. I’m sorry,” and left. I sobbed and was in the most awful state of despair. I contemplated suicide, but then realized that I would just be on the other side in awful pain. I could not escape the pain.

The next day he called me and asked if he could come over. I said no. He asked why and I said that I was struggling and seeing him wouldn’t help. He came over anyway and talked with me, saying that he may have made a mistake and he needed a week to figure it all out. I felt like there was a glimmer of hope.

I gave him the week and called him, where he was then rude saying all these stupid, self-deprecating things. Just a couple weeks later we talked and then started hanging out and on one of those occasions when I was about to leave his house he ran upstairs and came down with my ring and said…”I love you. I want to marry you. You don’t have to put it on now, but when you’re ready. I want this to work.” I didn’t put it on, but I was happy.

We dated, we had fun, things got better, but then my Grandma got really sick and passed away. The night she passed away, I left the hospital and went straight to Landon’s home. I cried and he consoled me. He told me he’d go to the funeral where I was speaking and that he would support me. I felt loved and taken care of…a true companionship…a partner. The day of her funeral came and he was there, arm around me, kisses and hugs. When the funeral was over and we came back to my house he left, but later that night asked if he could come over because he wanted to make sure I was okay. I said sure.

He came over and….broke up with me. How low. On the day of my Grandma’s funeral! He kicked me while I was down and yet again abandoned me. I was so full of shock, I couldn’t even say anything to him. I didn’t cry...I just sat there and he left. I am someone who, when I love someone, has a difficult time letting go, so we talked occasionally and he told me he was going away to school.

He left and we didn’t talk, but then he started emailing me and we started to talk and gain our friendship back and spoke of being together. He told me he left away to school to live without me, but all he realized is that he couldn’t live without me. How cute. He’d come home on some weekends and we’d enjoy one another’s company…laugh and have fun. Just this last summer he was home, going to go to a school close by so we could be together, and we talked about marriage…started making plans of the date…looking at places to live and such.

Then…he broke up with me again. No discussion, no explanation…just as the times before. Of course, like before, we’ve talked…almost every day. He is my best friend. Just over a week ago we got in a fight…he was being distant and I was trying to explain how that made me feel and he got mad. He hung up the phone, but later that night called and asked if he could come over. I said yes fully expecting him to say goodbye for the final time. He came over and to my shock said “Can I hold you?” My heart melted and we cuddled and kissed and he left. Just this last Thursday during our conversation I said “Is there hope for us Lando?” thinking there was because of recent events and he said “I’m not holding hope…no.” I told him I needed to go and we haven’t spoke since.

It has been about a week. I feel used, alone, hurt, and worthless. I don’t understand how he could do this to me time and time again. I know you’re reading this saying, he’s a jerk! Move on! But that’s only because I’m venting and said all the bad things. He has done many sweet things as well. I break down in tears when I think I will never see or talk to him again…that he will marry someone else and they will be living my dream with him. But I feel a little better when I think…I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally as much as I love them. I deserve someone that is willing to sacrifice for me as I do for them, but then I’m in tears again.

I feel lost and so sad. This has gone on for two and a half years. I’m determined this time not to call or write him, but the finality hurts. I wonder how he does not call me? Isn’t he hurting? At times I feel anger, then complete devastation, and then other times I feel resentment because, yet again, I am living with the pain he has caused.

I know if you are reading this you have either been through this or are going through it now. I feel so hopeless. Please help.