I lost my love Landon

Landon and Me

Landon and Me

My story is of Landon. A man I loved with every part of my soul, who, in the end, did not love me enough. We met at church and I immediately had an attraction to him. I had a crush for the first time in years. You can imagine my excitement when he called to ask me out. We hit it off on our first date. Landon was excited to be with me and made it clear. Before even dating a week, he said he wanted to be “exclusive” and just date one another. I liked what I saw with him and enthusiastically agreed.

We spent all our spare time together. It was wonderful. All until he let me use his phone, blackberry, and when I went to turn it on it had a conversation on there that said this...” (my name) is an awesome girl. I don’t think I will find anyone who treats me better, but you know what I like... I like a girl with a thin waist, long/straight brown hair, long sexy legs, and someone who dresses well, and she is none of those.” I was heartbroken.

All he had ever told me was how wonderful I was. Not knowing what to do, I told him I was feeling sick and he had to leave. The next day, not being able to focus at work, I wrote him a long email explaining what I had read. I told him how it affected my self-esteem and how hurt I was. I told him that he was focusing on things I have no control over…my height, my natural curly hair, my lack of thin waist….I told him if he had a problem with those things then to complain to God. I’m 5’2’’ and wear a size 3….come on.

Anyway, I told him if you love someone you love all of them…you can’t love people in slices. Later that night he called and said he couldn’t’ take back what he said because he obviously must have felt those things if he said them. He told me he was shallow and lacked my ability to love wholly.

Not wanting to lose him, I told him the way I see it there are three roads we can take
1. Keep dating one another exclusively.
2. Date one another but date others also so he can find Miss. Perfect (this, I told him, was my preference because I didn’t want to lose him)
3. Stop dating.

He told me he just wanted to date me and that he would make it up to me. Well, I forgive easily and he acted loving and I was in his arms again.

In January we got in a fight because he called me on the phone, was not talking much, and so I said I had to go…which I did….I was in my final year of my masters degree, held 3 callings in church, and worked full time. He then came over and broke up with me. I was shocked. I sobbed and told him I loved him and that I envy the person who gets to be with him.

He then said “What am I doing? I can’t live without you. I can’t believe I’m going to do this” and pulled me into another room where he got on his knee and proposed. I was like “Yes! Wait..No? What? Are you serious?” He then said he has been selfish and loves me and knows I am good for him…that he would never find someone who loved him so much or treated him so well.

I was so happy. We went and picked out rings and were planning our wedding. I went dress shopping, we picked out a reception center…we were making the plans for our life. But he seemed stressed. He wasn’t done with his bachelors degree and has difficulty having self restraint with money, so he was feeling burdened.

I, on the other hand, have lots of money in savings and have a good job. I could tell he was stressed but kept assuring him that together we would make it. But sometimes he’d be so distant and that, for me, is so hard to take. Then, on a Sunday, he came over to my house and very simply said. “I can’t do this; I’m breaking up with you. I’m sorry,” and left. I sobbed and was in the most awful state of despair. I contemplated suicide, but then realized that I would just be on the other side in awful pain. I could not escape the pain.

The next day he called me and asked if he could come over. I said no. He asked why and I said that I was struggling and seeing him wouldn’t help. He came over anyway and talked with me, saying that he may have made a mistake and he needed a week to figure it all out. I felt like there was a glimmer of hope.

I gave him the week and called him, where he was then rude saying all these stupid, self-deprecating things. Just a couple weeks later we talked and then started hanging out and on one of those occasions when I was about to leave his house he ran upstairs and came down with my ring and said…”I love you. I want to marry you. You don’t have to put it on now, but when you’re ready. I want this to work.” I didn’t put it on, but I was happy.

We dated, we had fun, things got better, but then my Grandma got really sick and passed away. The night she passed away, I left the hospital and went straight to Landon’s home. I cried and he consoled me. He told me he’d go to the funeral where I was speaking and that he would support me. I felt loved and taken care of…a true companionship…a partner. The day of her funeral came and he was there, arm around me, kisses and hugs. When the funeral was over and we came back to my house he left, but later that night asked if he could come over because he wanted to make sure I was okay. I said sure.

He came over and….broke up with me. How low. On the day of my Grandma’s funeral! He kicked me while I was down and yet again abandoned me. I was so full of shock, I couldn’t even say anything to him. I didn’t cry...I just sat there and he left. I am someone who, when I love someone, has a difficult time letting go, so we talked occasionally and he told me he was going away to school.

He left and we didn’t talk, but then he started emailing me and we started to talk and gain our friendship back and spoke of being together. He told me he left away to school to live without me, but all he realized is that he couldn’t live without me. How cute. He’d come home on some weekends and we’d enjoy one another’s company…laugh and have fun. Just this last summer he was home, going to go to a school close by so we could be together, and we talked about marriage…started making plans of the date…looking at places to live and such.

Then…he broke up with me again. No discussion, no explanation…just as the times before. Of course, like before, we’ve talked…almost every day. He is my best friend. Just over a week ago we got in a fight…he was being distant and I was trying to explain how that made me feel and he got mad. He hung up the phone, but later that night called and asked if he could come over. I said yes fully expecting him to say goodbye for the final time. He came over and to my shock said “Can I hold you?” My heart melted and we cuddled and kissed and he left. Just this last Thursday during our conversation I said “Is there hope for us Lando?” thinking there was because of recent events and he said “I’m not holding hope…no.” I told him I needed to go and we haven’t spoke since.

It has been about a week. I feel used, alone, hurt, and worthless. I don’t understand how he could do this to me time and time again. I know you’re reading this saying, he’s a jerk! Move on! But that’s only because I’m venting and said all the bad things. He has done many sweet things as well. I break down in tears when I think I will never see or talk to him again…that he will marry someone else and they will be living my dream with him. But I feel a little better when I think…I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally as much as I love them. I deserve someone that is willing to sacrifice for me as I do for them, but then I’m in tears again.

I feel lost and so sad. This has gone on for two and a half years. I’m determined this time not to call or write him, but the finality hurts. I wonder how he does not call me? Isn’t he hurting? At times I feel anger, then complete devastation, and then other times I feel resentment because, yet again, I am living with the pain he has caused.

I know if you are reading this you have either been through this or are going through it now. I feel so hopeless. Please help.

Comments for I lost my love Landon

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Nov 26, 2012
Another Update for you Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Hello, and thank you for your comment. My heart aches for your pain because I understand it. I know the pain all too well. It hurts even more when you are in the worst kind of pain imaginable and you know your ex is completely fine...sleeping well..happy, yet you are left with the devistation they caused. I wrote my origional post probably in 2010. It is now Nov 26, 2012. An update is we finally broke up April 26, 2010. We were planning our wedding, again, and he just broke everything off over the phone with no explanation. I later found out that while we were planning our marriage, he was interested in and had gone on a few dates with another girl. So since that time I have had zero contact with him, but every day has been a struggle. For two years, no exaggeration, I cried every single day. Every day. The last half of the year I would say it was limited to tri-weekly...progress as sad as that is, but the pain is still intense and I still think about him every day. Strangly enough he contacted me after 2 1/2 years about 2 months ago via a text message. He wanted to know if I was sending him "peculiar" blocked text messages. Seeing that he changed his number after we broke up I told him no. I was so hurt that after 2 1/2 years he would contact me to ask if I had done something like this. Since this, I felt, was my only time to tell him how I've hurt so badly and just trying to have him "get it" I tried to tell him everything I have been going through, but I don't think he will ever understand what he has done. We have text on and off for 2 mo. now, but he only texts if I say something to him and he is still rude and selfish. It's hard to understand how someone who once claimed to love you, and you truly believed this, could treat me this way now. It's hard to understand becasue I would never do this to someone. He has changed a great deal from the man I loved. He has gone away from his moral beliefs and religion and truly only cares for himself. He continues to treat me badly. I told him in a text that he still hurts me even though we are not in a relationship. I told him that I feel he says things to hurt me intentionally and he did not deny this. I don't know why I bother, but I met him in 2007 and we finally broke up in 2010 and I'm still hurting. Everyone tells me that it takes finding someone else to love to get over someone, but I can't find anyone I even want to date. I pray that for you, and me, we can find what we truly deserve which is a partner who values us, loves us so deeply they would never want to hurt us, and wants to spend a lifetime and beyond with us. I hope you are doing okay. I love talking with people who know the pain and heartache because others just don't understand. If you want to talk or if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. My prayers are with you.

Aug 26, 2012
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your pain. I met a wonderful woman 2 and a half years ago. We fell in love and within a few weeks were exclusive.

What makes our story similar is that this person built a pattern of pulling me back in after leaving me. Our problem was an ex that resurfaced from time to time and her inability to stop the situation.(I do not blame the ex here, she owed me no loyatly.)A month ago, we started making plans on moving in together (after 4 different break up/make up scenarios).I felt very happy. Two weeks later, after making detailed plans, she simply changed her mind.

I can tell wonderful stories as well. I can tell you that she did sweet, romantic, special things. She did. There is no way, however, that she is having sleepless nights, chest pains,and the struggle to get out of bed in the morning. There was no reason to break up, and if she were struggling she would easily be able to call and tell me.I guarantee she will lay down the very floors we picked and live with her "ex". The same ex that devastated her the way she did me. I know that is what has happened, and it sickens me that she would do something like this to me. I'm not perfect, but I would have done anything for her, and it was my intention to be with her forever.

It's hard to let go, but it's been two weeks. I know the likelihood that she will reach out to me is good considering her past behavior. I miss her horribly. I cannot, however, go on thinking that this will ever be the "happily ever after" type of romance I wanted. I will not go back.

It sounds like you are a wonderful woman. I like that you mentioned church and hopefully that will help you through. I wish I had a bit more of that in my life.

I'm not sure when you wrote your story, but today is Aug 26, 2012. If possible, can you give us an update. How did you get through and are you feeling better?

Best wishes.

Jan 28, 2011
Update and Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you everyone for your comments. Yesterday was the 3rd year anniversary of when Landon proposed to me, so yes, I'm feeling very low and looked on here for support and found it. Thank you. For a follow up, after I wrote this Landon and I got back together.It's a very long story with pain, then happiness, then more pain, but our relationship ended with us yet again planning our marriage and then he broke up with me suddenly. His reasoning for breaking up with me was, as he told it, because I was fat, ugly, and he didn't like my personality. I told him that is something you figure out after 3 dates, not three years...I knew there was more to it and found out that the truth truth was that he had found someone else and he'd been dating her while planning a life with me. I just don't understand how someone can do that. Sorrow still fills my soul while he seems to move on with no remorse or hurt. I wish so badly I could do that, but I truly loved him and don't feel I will ever get beyond the pain this has caused and the love I wished to share with him forever. I gave my all to him...all my love, support, encouragement...I could not love more fully than I did with Landon, but it meant nothing to him. I hope that I, and all those who have felt this kind of pain, find true happiness and love. Thank you so much. It means so much to me to have people care. May God bless us with what we so wish for.

Jan 26, 2011
Very similar story
by: Anonymous

I wish you the very best. There was a time I had made up my mind that my life was only good if he were in it. I still believe that this kind of determination is important when you are committed to someone... I just have no idea how I will ever be able to joyfully give that kind of love to someone again, even the man I am with who has proven he can earn my trust and respect.

Even after 2 years since we ended contact, I still don't feel whole or myself again. That relationship, even though 4 years is not long compared to a marriage, feels to me like an ex-partner, and I have a hard time knowing how to move on from it without feeling ultimately defeated.

I feel so much sympathy for you, please remove yourself from the toxicity before it continues to kill you from the inside out. These relationships are such sacred tumors in our hearts, often times we don't want to admit when it's do or die, and when to finally cut it out.

Even you yourself in your story recognize that you are worth more than a comment like that. It is a hard lesson to learn that we cannot beg our worth from those who we want it most from.

Love and peace to you.

Nov 12, 2010
So mean!
by: Anonymous

That man is so mean! Does he not realize how promising someone something over and over again and breaking that promise is like stabbing someone time and time again? I can tell from what you wrote that you truly love this man. I cried when I read what you wrote. I can feel your pain of loss of what you wanted to be forever in every word. I am so sorry. You deserve love in return for your love for him which is so evident. Maybe he's incapable of feeling...beyond feeling. I have been through something similar. I wish you the best. I hope your ex at one time will do something to help with the pain...to show sorrow for his acts, but if not....I'm praying for you. May God bless you!

May 02, 2010
You & Me
by: Melissa

I am going through something very similar, but it's obviously not the end of the world. You need to go on even with a limp from that hurt he caused, maybe you need to tell that story more often because the more you say it the more numb you become to it.

Feb 05, 2010
by: Anonymous

He is incapable of commitment and incapable of loving you; he probably loves you more than anyone else, but he certainly can't give you what you need. He is possibly addicted to the chase, the caveman syndrome. You need to find a person who will be committed to you and will not abandon you. See a psychologist and find out why you continue to love someone unavailable to you. Sorry for your pain- Only you can make yourself happy..

Dec 18, 2009
by: Anonymous

Love should not hurt like that. He is a piece of work and I hope you have not taken him back. You seem way too sweet for someone like him. The more we take them back the more they walk on us, and you should not be a doormat. Put your foot down and realize he is not good for you.

Dec 08, 2009
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for those comments. It means a lot to me that people I don't even know can understand what I'm going through and care.

Sep 22, 2009
It's not you...
by: Anonymous

Sorry to be blunt, but Landon sounds like a whacko! Almost like he takes delight in hurting you, or making a sick game of it. You sound like a nice person and don't deserve this kind of mean treatment.

The problem lies with him, not you, and you will do well to get him out of your life. There is someone else out there with a kinder heart who will love and respect you.

I don't mean to hurt you further, just hope this helps. I have been there, not quite as long and hurtful as your situation. But as I look back, I definitely am better off without a man who treated me bad. I hope this happens to you.

Sep 22, 2009
Your hope lies in Christ
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for the grief you are going through. I understand that grief. Please remember, your hope lies in Christ and His love for you. It doesn't lie in someone who can hurt you. Christ will be there always to pick you up, give you comfort, peace and courage. All you have to do is ask. Your heartbreak took a long time to develop so don't give up on how long it takes to get over it. Take one day at a time and I think you will see how God's taking care of you. Believe me, I've been there.
Your sister in Christ.

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