I Lost My Love

by Larry Peregrine
(Mishawaka, Indiana)

I lost Jayme, my one true love. We met on February 6th 1999 and were never apart from that day on. It was the day before Jayme’s birthday. We were married on August 21st, 1999. She taught me to love…to truly love, something I had never really done before. As with any relationship things were not perfect, no idyllic, but we had made a wonderful life together. Then in the spring of 2010 Jayme began having some medical issues. She became ill and was hospitalized. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She got out of the hospital and did well until 6 months later she was hospitalized again this time with a diagnosis of kidney failure. Again she got out of the hospital and did well. She was a bit more tired than usual but seemed to be recovering with no apparent issues. Then six months later, now in the spring of 2011 she began to have pain in her back. We went to the doctor and some test were ordered. A couple of days later and before Jayme was able to have the tests she began one day to have breathing problems. I was at work, she called and I rushed home, I called 911 and she was taken to the hospital. This time they diagnosed a collapsed lung but after further testing and eventually surgery the diagnosis was Stage IV small cell lung cancer, a death sentence. They thought initially that they could give her 2-3 years but after radiation and two rounds of chemotherapy she became increasingly weak and very ill. She fought the good fight but at peace with God, my love died on October 25th, 2011 and along with her a big, very big, part of me died too. I will never be able to put behind me the belief that I am partially to blame for this. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t ask enough questions. I didn’t insist on more tests in the year leading up to the cancer diagnosis. Had I done more perhaps the cancer would have been diagnosed in an earlier stage and my love would still be alive. Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet that one person who shows us how to love, prepares us to have enough love to meet God. For me that was Jayme, my one true love. It will be two years next week. I have tried to move on but don't seem to be able to. I have tried dating that didn't work. I have tried to submerse myself in work, movies, books, didn't work. I have read endless books and articles on the afterlife, that doesn't help. I just was not ready to say goodbye.

Comments for I Lost My Love

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Oct 21, 2013
I lost my love
by: silver

Larry,I feel your pain.I sent my love on ahead of me also,and in the same year.He died May 29,2011.He had emphysema.He had already been weakened by 2 bouts with bladder cancer and chemo for the second one.He was about 35 pounds underweight.He got pneumonia.I woke up one morning to find him in the bathroom having trouble breathing.I gave him 3 breathing treatments to no avail.I rushed him to the hospital.He was there about 15 minutes of them trying to get more oxygen into his body with no result.The put a tube down his throat and sent him to ICU.While he was out and on IV antibiotics,his blood pressure was failing.They put him on IV meds for that.Then his kidneys failed.They tried dialysis but that was killing his heart and they had to quit.That meant he had no more than 3 days till the poisons in his blood killed him.Also they found a tumor in one of his lungs.Even if he had recovered from all of the other.I knew he wouldn't survive chemo when he only weighed 108 pounds.He smoked for over 50 yrs and my kids wonder why i'm so against it.I had to sign a paper for Do Not Resuscitate.Then a day later had to tell them to turn off the respirator. I was blessed to have him open his eyes and look at me one more time before he went home.It has been 2 years and almost 5 months for me.I still cry off and on.You can't love someone that deeply and just reach a point where you don't grieve anymore.I still haven't given away his clothes.I didn't wash his clothes until his smell was gone.I know a woman who just began removing her husband's things and he has been gone over 5 yrs.So you are not alone.We all grieve in our own way,in our own time.I am thankful GOD sent me someone to love so deeply that he was a part of me.I thank GOD I had 33 yrs with him.It's hard when you feel as if someone cut half of you off and then went away.The people on this site are great.This site,and one other:Recover from grief.com,along with my faith in GOD is what has kept me going.Like you I don't see dating as something I can do right now.I don't know what GOD's plans are for me but for now,I sleep in the middle of the bed and cry sometimes.I send you hugs and prayers for healing.I pray that GOD sends you strength and peace.

Oct 21, 2013
So Sorry
by: Annette

There is something about fait and with what you have said you both being together was meant to be even though it was short term.

I lost my sister to cancer and we could all blame ourselves for not acting fast enough, but cancer is aggressive and we don't always know it is there until its to late.

You will move on when your life when your ready you can't force something that isn't there but you will glide forward at your own pace and in time you will meet someone special, even then Jayme will still be in your heart.

Really sorry for your loss.

Oct 20, 2013
your grief
by: Lawrence

We all whip ourselves wondering if we could have done more to extend the life of our beloved and cherished partner but what good does the guilt do except to make our grief go on so much longer.
My wife had a heart valve problem and we went to a specialist who suggested a replacement. I asked what the odds were and he replied 40% of her getting through the operation and it being a success, I then asked if it was his wife would he go ahead with the replacement and he said a firm “NO”., but and this is a big BUT should we have still have had the operation and would she still have been with me we had of done.?.
I also lay awake at night tormented with guilt the empty space besides me almost screams out that she should still be with me.
Unlike your story my wife died in an instant almost in my arms on Christmas Day, her ending was quick and I hope painless.
It is now nearly ten months and the wicked tentacles of grief are lessening but I am still devastated and a feeling of overwhelming sadness at losing her after seventy years together, needless to say nobody is ready to say goodbye.
I kissed her on her deathbed, closed her eyes and thanked her for seventy years of bliss and happiness. Last Sunday was the consecration of her headstone, the end of a wonderful love affair.
I keep myself busy learning bridge and writing novels composing and playing musical instruments, may I suggest you do the same.
You are obviously computer literate so sit down and write a book about your love, you don’t mention if you have children but if you do it will provide them with a picture that will last long after you have gone to join Jayme. Learn to play an instrument, playing the guitar is so easy and practice will take your mind off your pain, do anything but sit at home grieving it is so destructive.
Unfortunately there are no happy endings in life; we just have to accept what it throws at us.
Take care

Oct 20, 2013
Dear Larry
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to read about your loss. I am learning that grief is unbearably hard, and it takes a long, long time to heal. I am also learning that it is unique to each of us. I did not lose a spouse, I lost my father. He died of Sudden Cardiac Arrest nine months ago. One day he was here, acting fine, and the next day he collapsed and died. He and my mother had a beautiful marriage, and would have celebrated 50 years together last week. He was the love of her life, and she is completely broken. We both question everything about that day, and the time leading up to that day. Did his doctor miss something during his physical? Should he have been seeing a cardiologist? Did the ER team do enough? Did the ambulance get to him quickly enough? We blame ourselves for not "seeing" the signs. But, the truth is, there were no signs. There was nothing more that could have been done at the ER, because my father was already gone by the time they got him there. I have come to realize that guilt is part of grieving. But, we have no control over any of it. I agree with Anonymous-MI. We are given a finite number of days here. There is a master plan for all of us, and we will not understand any of God's plan while we are here. Some days it is so hard for me to keep the faith - I watch my mother sink deeper and deeper into her grief, and I question it all. But I HAVE to believe that God knows what he is doing. You are not alone, we all understand your struggles and your pain. I hope you find some comfort here, and start to heal. Peace, Barb

Oct 19, 2013
i lost my love
by: Anonymous--MI

To Larry---While reading your post about your dear wife dying I feel so sad and I am sorry for you. I am also sorry for my self. My dear wonderful husband of 43 yrs died Nov 2012 of SCA. I never got to say good-bye or tell him one more time how much I loved him. He left our home with our adult son and 6 hours later he was dead. This past year has been the worst of my entire life. I read posts of grieving people who are just beginning this awful journey of grief and I want to pass good news and encouragement on but some days I just cannot. You are saying that you should have done more in terms of medical care to save your wife. I too, feel that I should have pushed my husband more to go to another doctor as the one he had was very much my husband's pal but not a good doctor. But, this is what I believe and what I HAVE to believe: When we are born God gives us a number of days to live on this earth and we will not live a minute more or a minute less than He has planned for us. God makes no mistakes, even though we feel it is so wrong to lose our loved ones too soon. My husband was only 65 yrs old. But, we are given a race to run in this life and when we have finished that race, God will call us home. My race; your race and all on this site are still here to finish our work--our race. I cling to my faith and trust and hope in God----He is all I need to know that I will see my husband again in heaven. May God Bless you and give you comfort.

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