I Lost My Love
by Larry Peregrine
I lost Jayme, my one true love. We met on February 6th 1999 and were never apart from that day on. It was the day before Jayme’s birthday. We were married on August 21st, 1999. She taught me to love…to truly love, something I had never really done before. As with any relationship things were not perfect, no idyllic, but we had made a wonderful life together. Then in the spring of 2010 Jayme began having some medical issues. She became ill and was hospitalized. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She got out of the hospital and did well until 6 months later she was hospitalized again this time with a diagnosis of kidney failure. Again she got out of the hospital and did well. She was a bit more tired than usual but seemed to be recovering with no apparent issues. Then six months later, now in the spring of 2011 she began to have pain in her back. We went to the doctor and some test were ordered. A couple of days later and before Jayme was able to have the tests she began one day to have breathing problems. I was at work, she called and I rushed home, I called 911 and she was taken to the hospital. This time they diagnosed a collapsed lung but after further testing and eventually surgery the diagnosis was Stage IV small cell lung cancer, a death sentence. They thought initially that they could give her 2-3 years but after radiation and two rounds of chemotherapy she became increasingly weak and very ill. She fought the good fight but at peace with God, my love died on October 25th, 2011 and along with her a big, very big, part of me died too. I will never be able to put behind me the belief that I am partially to blame for this. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t ask enough questions. I didn’t insist on more tests in the year leading up to the cancer diagnosis. Had I done more perhaps the cancer would have been diagnosed in an earlier stage and my love would still be alive. Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet that one person who shows us how to love, prepares us to have enough love to meet God. For me that was Jayme, my one true love. It will be two years next week. I have tried to move on but don't seem to be able to. I have tried dating that didn't work. I have tried to submerse myself in work, movies, books, didn't work. I have read endless books and articles on the afterlife, that doesn't help. I just was not ready to say goodbye.