I lost my Mama when I was 27, now my Daddy at 37, I am an only child
Lost is how I feel.. 2 weeks ago today, I got the news that my Daddy had been found dead in his home, at the age of 64..just 5 days from his 65th Birthday.. He had been ill for the past 3 yrs and refused to come home with me and my husband and 4 children..He wanted to be in his own home, he did not lead a healthy lifestyle, he still drank his beer, and smoked, he would not take an medication.. I could not do anything with him.. after all he was a grown man..
This feeling of loss in my chest, ... it is a reminder he is gone.. and now I have no parents.. the people who brought me in this world and cherished me the most are gone, and now I am left here.. It seems unfair and not right!!! I am so angry with everyone in this world who is older than me and has both of their parents, and they do not even know how lucky they are!!! Why me?? I think it all the time... was it because I was ungrateful of having my Mama and Daddy..? Was it because they were unhappy and God needed them home?
What about my Daddy, he was a good person, but he did not live the most healthy lifestyle, and did not lead his life for God,...
Mama died of cancer at 51... you talk about pain, and anger I have been pissed off ever since.. she did not smoke, she did not drink, and she never hurt any body and she went through hell before leaving this world! Cancer stole my Mama's dignity!!! I was pregnant with my 4th child, when she passed away,.. it was so horrible to not have her ever meet my baby.. or be here with me when he was born.. he has been felt her, her known her voice..I feel my other children were too small to remember her... 9,5,1.. they mainly remember a sick Grandmother, who was unhappy..
My chest hurts today because 2 weeks after the fact.. I am still in shock over losing Daddy like this.. I know he was unhappy, and in pain, and miserable.. but, I never thought he would leave this world like this.. it hurts deep into my heart and soul..
To make matters worse my Grandmother - Daddy's Mother is still living and is 87, and dislikes me, and will not allow me to have my Daddy's things, she is a hard person, and is not making this easier for me.. I feel all I have left in the world is my Kids... and 2 of them being teens don't like me much at all...
My husband and I have been struggling because I can not be who he wants me to be after all I have been through.. I feel like I am not able to just go on.. But, I am trying really... really... hard to. He does not know grief, and lose.. and so he can not understand..
I just lost my Grandfather, who I adored just 11 months ago... I lost him he was 83, and I was with him when he died.. I have been through so much.. and I am doing the best I can with all I have been through.. I don't want people to feel sorry for me either.. I just want them to understand.. if that makes any sense..
My best friend since I was 11, did not go to my Mom or Dads funeral... you know what she did? She face-booked me when she found out my Daddy died.. what kind of shit is that? She is no best friend of mine.. I am so done.
CRAZY.. I am the version of crazy.. for 2 weeks, I have not been able to make a good decision.. and every one I have tried to make have been off the wall..SO I have decided to just try and live the life I had before Daddy died.. not change anything.. just live.. I also keep telling myself to really cherish my husband.. he have been together 24 yrs.. we are different,.. but, he love one another very much.. and he is steady for me.. and I can trust his love for me..