I lost my mom July 3 2012

by Susan taylor
(Edmonton, Alberta)

I lost my mom 17 days ago and can't believe it. My mom May Dinney was the nicest lady.... she was 87 years old. I decided at 50 to go back to school and become a travel agent, my mom was my biggest fan. After my dad died of a sudden heart attack, I moved my mom up to where my husband and my daughters live so we could be 5 minutes away. I took care of everything for my mom after my dad passed away. At 44 years old I got to know her not as my mom but as a woman that I never really knew... for 5 years I took care of her. I called her 3 times a day to check in on her... I never missed a day.... I was worried about going back to school and the time it would take and the work involved would take away time from my mom and me.... and it did but I still managed to call 3 times a day... I seen her slowing down and told my husband but he said every year Susie....you will see signs that she is getting older.... so I just pushed on with school for the last year doing the best I could. I was in the lab and my phone rang July 3 and I was so stressed about a test I was having the next day I didnt answer.... I didnt reconize the number... then I got another call... but I still didnt answer.... then 1 hour later my aunt called and I answered.... your mom was rushed to the hospital... they tried to call you... go . I left called my husband and girls... we all got there and no one could tell me anything. I freaked out... where is she please tell me... I was crying. They put us in a room and the doctor came in and told us she had a heart attack and probably isnt going to make it.... I was stunned... this cant be happening. He left came back 2 minutes later and said she needs surgery and isnt going to make it to the operating room.... he left. We went up to the 3 floor and waited no one came.... I paced up and down... went to see the nurses... no one knew anything... 4 hours later a doctor came to see us to tell me that there no hope... The damage is to far gone she 87... oh well. the bus has stopped for her. I cant be hearing this. That my mom.... I love her.... Im so sorry I didnt get the call. The doctor told me she asked for me... told the nurse her 50 year daughters in school... she wont answer the phone... now the doctor comes back she gone... What What she cant be. I talked to her last night... before I went to bed. He asked if I wanted to see her... Everyone is crying... I see her in ICU... she dead. I hold her hand.. I kiss her ... I hug her... I cant breath.... this cant be happening.... I love her I'm not ready to say good bye... I lift her head ... wake up mom please.... please.... I'm so sorry I didnt answer the call please forgive me.... I'm so sorry.... I love you dont go.... My husband comes and says we have to go... I cant that my mom.... thats my mom..... please... We leave I cant believe it.... I go home and take 2 sleeping pills.... my mom is gone what the fuck just happened.... I wake up and the rest is a nightmare... I planned her service viewed her again at the funearl home.... I went to see her every night there ... my husband and girls said I'm losing my mind. We laid her to rest with my dad... i bought her a niche to put my dad and her together... My heart is breaking... I cry all day... had to go back to University.. a week after... study and take test.... I only have 2 weeks left. I failed the last 2 exams.... but I have to suck it up and carry on... my mom would want that. One teacher had a extra 4 bonus marks to who ever was in class on Jul 6... I was cremating my mother... that day.... he said sorry but oh well... I got 58 on the exam and 60 was the pass... the bonus marks would have passed me... I never missed a class in a year... and when I got my test back today... he put an F in the right cornor of it.... he never did that to anyone that failed before... it was the icing on the cake.... i just cried and cried.... how cruel he was to me when he knew my mom just died.... I cant breath.... the pain is so great... i know she was 87.... but I loved her and she was alone asking for me... i feel so gulity... I cant stop crying................

Comments for I lost my mom July 3 2012

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Aug 03, 2012
You were a good daughter
by: Gary

Missing a phone call doesn't erase all the good you've done for your mom. Just look back at the calls, moving her close by to you and the visits. The love you had will last forever just reach for it and embrace it. Time heals all and you will move on but with fond memories.

Jul 22, 2012
Thanks for your message
by: Jillian

Dear Susan,
thanks for your message.
My mum seemed to be improving when I was robbed of her. The hospital infection returned ....

I am so pleased your friends are supporting you in sorting clothes etc. I have not reached that point yet. Tried looking at photographs but there is still too much pain.

Your mum would be proud of you the sterling way you are continuing with your studies. Just pace yourself at the moment whatever achievments you atain are truly remarkable given the shock you have had.

I am planning courses for next year but it has to be around my brother's care.

With kindest regards, If you want to email me ever please feel free to. Jillian.

Jul 22, 2012
by: Susan taylor

I'm so sorry you lost your mom.... how did it happen? I thank you for your kind words. You know the apin that both you and are feeling..... it takes your breath away.... I cry all the time... Today I had to go to her beautiful apartment and pack her clothes and personal belonging to move her out of the apartment.... my girlfriends are helping me because i have final exams and this whole situation is a mess. How are you coping... it would be tough to take care of someone else.... I feel for you. Do you cry a lot... how old was your mom.... do you have family to help you... Please hang in there and yes school is hard at 50.... and I'm not feeling the love that i had before.... I hope that returns

Jul 21, 2012
Thinking of you Susan - I am in shock too
by: Jillian

Dear Susan, Firstly may I offer my sincered condolenses. My darling mum passed away weeks ago, and it was a big shock. So much so that I am only really started to go through the grief process.
You CANNOT blame yourself for not answering the telephone when the number did not show. There was no way you could have known this was an urgent call concerning a family member. Your mum would not want you to be so distressed about it at such a traumatic time.
I really admire you that you have gone on with your studies. It is understandable that your exam results do not reflect the input you put in when you have had such a horrific shock as losing your darling mum. Ignore those who are treating you so insensitively at this time and concentrate on your family who are feeling the loss too.
I am trying to get into a routine as I care for my disabled brother and I know it what mum's wish to keep going for him. I miss her every minute, her singing voice, comfort and total belief in me when others did not. Like you Susan, mum encouraged me to study and I hope her confidence in me will give me strengh to go on. (as I am sure this was your mum's wish too.)
Please feel free to contact me on jillianrcohen@hotmail.com. Whatever you decide I wish you strengh to get through this terrible loss and improved days. Jillian.

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