I lost my mother just 5 months ago.
(Sioux Falls SDak)
My mom found out that she had stage 5 Ovarian Cancer that spread to her liver, lungs, kidneys, bronchial tubes and brain. Found this out middle of April 2013 and she was gone the end of July 2013. She wanted so to die at home so I went and took care of her till she passed July 23,2013 at home. I never realized how emotionally painful it would be for me to sit and watch her die alittle more every day, emotionally and physically. There was nothing that I could do to help her other than hold her hand talk to her and constantly tell her that I was proud of her and loved her so much. Cancer takes away the dignity of the person dying it is so cruel. It takes away their emotional, and physical well being. It was so hard to see those stages of emotional down falling she had, there were times that I didn't know her at times emotionally, knowing that she did not mean things said or done in this time. I left her side for a short time and my brother was with her and she passed away before I got back to her. Before I left her side I whispered to her that I loved her and that it was ok to "go Home" be with my father and God and her loved ones that had passed before her. The last 3 weeks of her life she was mostly sedated but she would respond to my words alittle so I knew that she could hear me. I constantly told her that I loved her and kissed her cheeks and tried to comfort her when she was in pain the best I knew how to. But it just broke my heart and still out of the blue, massive tears pour out and I can barely stand it, the memories of the horrible times while she was dying have taken over the good memories of her lifetime. I cant be in her house as it still seems that she is there, I still see the bed in the front room where she died... When does the pain go away??? It is a pain that I have never felt, I lost my dad 7 years ago to a accident and I held his hand when he took his last breath and was not able to do that with my mother and that burdens me, I feel like I broke a promise to her. The loss of both parents makes me feel like a orphan, lost, scared, the people that were always there for me for comfort and safety and strength are gone and I totally feel lost.....Just shortly before my mothers diagnosis I was in a bad divorce situation with physical abuse and had to have 2 neck fusions from this abuse, had just had the second when mom found out about the cancer. Mom passed away and we buried her july 28th 2013 and my ex husband demanded that I sign the papers the 29th. So I drove to another city the day after buring my mom and signed divorce papers and lost a husband that I cherish dearly and didn't want the divorce. My mother wwas so hurt by the divorce and my husband behavior to me and was so worried for me as she saw how heartbroken I was over the divorce he filed...but oddly enough my mother passed away 1 hour after my husband signed papers for divorce. It is like she knew that it was over and that I would be better now...well I am not better... I lost mom and husband who I cherished at the same time.. 3 weeks after mother passing away my best friend found she had terminal cancer and I took care of her for 6 weeks in my home so that she could do her radiation, then she went home to Pierre and is doing chemo there. She doesn't have much longer to live. Taking care of my friend so soon after mom passing brought back such painful things. I feel like I am lost, totally frozen, scared, when does it get better??????????? My neck fusion is healing and still not at work so I have too much time to think of this pain that I feel. Like a hole in my heart. And I talk to mom and dad and GOD every day, and yes there is times that I ask to be taken so that I can be with them, pain hurts so badly.... Just don't know what to do anymore.... I adopted a cat and that helps me abit emotionally to have her with me and be there with me... but I need to find a way to move forward...and so far not happening. any help from out there???????????? Diane