I lost my mother just 5 months ago.

by Diane
(Sioux Falls SDak)

My mom found out that she had stage 5 Ovarian Cancer that spread to her liver, lungs, kidneys, bronchial tubes and brain. Found this out middle of April 2013 and she was gone the end of July 2013. She wanted so to die at home so I went and took care of her till she passed July 23,2013 at home. I never realized how emotionally painful it would be for me to sit and watch her die alittle more every day, emotionally and physically. There was nothing that I could do to help her other than hold her hand talk to her and constantly tell her that I was proud of her and loved her so much. Cancer takes away the dignity of the person dying it is so cruel. It takes away their emotional, and physical well being. It was so hard to see those stages of emotional down falling she had, there were times that I didn't know her at times emotionally, knowing that she did not mean things said or done in this time. I left her side for a short time and my brother was with her and she passed away before I got back to her. Before I left her side I whispered to her that I loved her and that it was ok to "go Home" be with my father and God and her loved ones that had passed before her. The last 3 weeks of her life she was mostly sedated but she would respond to my words alittle so I knew that she could hear me. I constantly told her that I loved her and kissed her cheeks and tried to comfort her when she was in pain the best I knew how to. But it just broke my heart and still out of the blue, massive tears pour out and I can barely stand it, the memories of the horrible times while she was dying have taken over the good memories of her lifetime. I cant be in her house as it still seems that she is there, I still see the bed in the front room where she died... When does the pain go away??? It is a pain that I have never felt, I lost my dad 7 years ago to a accident and I held his hand when he took his last breath and was not able to do that with my mother and that burdens me, I feel like I broke a promise to her. The loss of both parents makes me feel like a orphan, lost, scared, the people that were always there for me for comfort and safety and strength are gone and I totally feel lost.....Just shortly before my mothers diagnosis I was in a bad divorce situation with physical abuse and had to have 2 neck fusions from this abuse, had just had the second when mom found out about the cancer. Mom passed away and we buried her july 28th 2013 and my ex husband demanded that I sign the papers the 29th. So I drove to another city the day after buring my mom and signed divorce papers and lost a husband that I cherish dearly and didn't want the divorce. My mother wwas so hurt by the divorce and my husband behavior to me and was so worried for me as she saw how heartbroken I was over the divorce he filed...but oddly enough my mother passed away 1 hour after my husband signed papers for divorce. It is like she knew that it was over and that I would be better now...well I am not better... I lost mom and husband who I cherished at the same time.. 3 weeks after mother passing away my best friend found she had terminal cancer and I took care of her for 6 weeks in my home so that she could do her radiation, then she went home to Pierre and is doing chemo there. She doesn't have much longer to live. Taking care of my friend so soon after mom passing brought back such painful things. I feel like I am lost, totally frozen, scared, when does it get better??????????? My neck fusion is healing and still not at work so I have too much time to think of this pain that I feel. Like a hole in my heart. And I talk to mom and dad and GOD every day, and yes there is times that I ask to be taken so that I can be with them, pain hurts so badly.... Just don't know what to do anymore.... I adopted a cat and that helps me abit emotionally to have her with me and be there with me... but I need to find a way to move forward...and so far not happening. any help from out there???????????? Diane

Comments for I lost my mother just 5 months ago.

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Jan 02, 2014
I lost my mother just 5 months ago
by: Doreen UK

Diane I am sorry for your loss of your mom to cancer. I understand how you feel and how you expressed the cancer and what it did to your family. I nursed my husband for 3yrs.39days before he died of lung cancer. I had to watch him die slowly for those 3yrs. He didn't want to die. The cancer changed his personality and moods and he was angry a lot of the time. He worked hard and was a good man and now he was going to die and couldn't understand why? I hurt for him and tried to stretch the days so I had longer with him. But time would never be enough. He was in so much pain. I had a horrendous cancer journey when he suffered blood clots. shingles in the eye. pneumonia and other problems. His suffering was so great. He died 20 months ago. He was 65yrs. You are right. The pain of grief is like no other pain. it hurts all the time. I could do nothing for 6 months and nurtured myself back from grief. You do feel as if you will never recover from this pain. Taking one day at a time helped me move forward better. The hurt you feel now won't last forever. Each day you will heal and start to get your life back. If you are stuck in grief you will be unable to move forward and need the support of a grief counsellor. One way to know is if you are still stuck in the same grief pattern you will need professional support. You have lost a lot. Losing a marriage is also a great loss. Seeing a counsellor may help you at this difficult time in order to separate each loss and deal with it. Life has dealt you a cruel blow and you need good support. You will come through this if you are determined to do so. It just takes time and good people to surround you and help you move on. Do every good thing you can do for yourself to help start the good foundation for the healing process to start. You will start to feel better and this will give you Hope to carry on when you don't feel like it. Just don't ever give up! Do it for You and your Mom. I wish you Comfort, Peace, and better days ahead.

Dec 30, 2013
I understand
by: Berieved daughter

Dear Diane, My heart goes out to you, as I lost my mom in May.

The pain is always bad when our love is so strong. It seems the loved ones presence is always missed. You do not mention any other family, my mom was my only very close relation as I lost my dad years ago.

You were there at all times doing your best. This should bring you comfort. I would have liked to have taken my mom's pain away too. Unfortunately, we are not able to do this, but just being there sometimes is the most consoling
gesture we can make.

Hope you keep contact with this site.

Wishing you easier moments. X

Dec 30, 2013
I'm sorry for your loss
by: Nigel Nicholas

Diane,

I read your heartbreaking story and I just want to say that I'm really sorry you lost your mom and dad. I'm really sorry you had to watch your mother deteriorate until she finally passed. I'm sorry to say that I don't have any real advice for you. I lost my father a few weeks ago and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it. I also had to watch him slowly die for three months until he left me. I'm scouring the internet looking for answers and ways to help myself get through this. I came across your story and it really touched me and I just wanted to reach out to you to say I'm sorry.

You asked if the pain ever goes away. I don't think the pain ever goes away when you truly love someone, but I think we have to learn to live with it. I think we have to learn to be strong for our lost loved ones, because if we don't, it's like they died for nothing. We have to find a reason to go on and do great things for them so that when they look down on us they are proud. Everyone that I've spoken to who's lost a loved one keeps telling me that it will always be hard to deal with, but with time you can learn to love through the pain. I'm hoping that's true.

I'm no expert on anything and, like I said, I have no real advice for anyone when it comes to this because I'm lost too; but I think we have to somehow find the strength to go on. We have to, or it's all for nothing.

I'm very sorry again.

Nigel Nicholas

Nnvpersaud@gmail.com

Dec 30, 2013
Sorry
by: Roelien

Sjoe, Diane, so sorry to hear. I lost my mother the 13th of May and I also have a terrible time coping. some days ar good, other days are horrible. I still have my father though, so cant imagine how you must be feeling. I wonder, do you have kids?

Dec 29, 2013
To Diane
by: Jean Bee

I feel your pain and nothing I can say will take it away. I lost my son 1 month ago. he called my name twice as he lay dieing but because I cannot walk I couldn't get to see or comfort him. He also had cancer. He is past all pain and his name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life. This gives me comfort. I pray you will find the comfort that comes from knowing your Mom is past all pain too and with Jesus now. As for that divorce from an abusing husband, you are yet to discover what God already knows of your future. I love you and so does Jesus.

Dec 29, 2013
IT DOES GET BETTER
by: albin prescott az

DIANE
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS I CAN'T SAY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL EVERY BODY IS DIFFERENT IT DOES GET BETTER BUT IN YOUR OWN TIME I LOST MY MOM WHEN I WAS ABOUT 4 YRS OLD BUT I WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND I WAS ANGRY THAT SHE LEFT ME AND FINELY LET IT GO IT TOOK ME AWHILE
I GOT OVER BUT IN MY OWN TIME YES I KNOW SHE LOVED ME AND I KNOW NOW IT WAS HARDER FOR HER SHE HAD TB AND BACK THEN THERE WAS NO CURE AND SHE KNEW SHE WOULD NOT SEE ME THROUGH SCHOOL OR WATCH ME GROW IN TO MANHOOD THAT WAS 72 YEARS AGO IT GOT BETTER FOR ME BUT I STILL HAVE A SMALL SCAR NOW WHERE THERE WAS A LARGE HOLE IT DOES GET BETTER BUT DIANE IN YOUR OWN TIME BLESSING

Dec 29, 2013
I lost my mom 5 months ago(Aug 8,2013)
by: Rodney Smith

I totally can feel for you, as I too am going through the grief process. My mom died fairly suddenly of stage 4 brain cancer(she was in palliative about 3 weeks)

All I can say is this is a process you have to go through. There are no short steps, No just get over it, so do not let people tell you to hurry up and get better. It must take time, and it will.

All you can hope for is to be a little better today than yesterday. You are starting to reach out, and that is a good step. Please continue to reach out here and maybe to a support group. I know that has helped me some. Just remember that your mom would not want you to lose sight of who she is by just dwelling on the sad times. rejoice for the happy times you have as memories.
All my prayers

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