I Lost my mum as a baby and can only grieve about it now

I lost my mum at the very start of my life. She was the person who had carried me and whose heart beat and smell and touch and voice I knew and longed for to comfort me in a world of strangers, but she was gone.

I was too little to process such complex and deep feelings of pain and loss, and no one acknowledged my loss or helped me hold and work through that most profound loss. At the most vulnerable stage of my life I was totally alone with an enormous grief that felt too much to bear, and so it got tucked away inside me -but the cost to my emotional, and at times physical, well being, had been profound and far reaching.

So here I am now many years later, with the help of caring friends, and with the ability to express myself in ways that were not possible all those years ago, trying to finally begin to acknowledge and mourn this incredibly painful experience.

I desperately want her back ! At times I don't want to go on without her, I don't know how. She was my world, and I needed her for my very existence. It is so painful and scary. The deepest pain imaginable. A dark deep pit inside me that screams for what I cannot have. Something little and deep inside me had waited my whole life hoping she will be coming back. But now I need to hold that part and tenderly tell her that her mother is not coming back, that she is gone.

I need to be patient with myself as I work though what seems unbearable, and to start to receive the care and love of those around me now who do care and understand. And start to heal.

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