I lost my role model, and the man i never had the courage to say "I love you" in 1 month
I have never had a family member die before this, or even a friend. So i know this may come off as naive but to me every one around me would continue to grow and share moments with me. The thought of death was never an option until now. I come from a broken family and the one person who kept her family together and taught me so much growing up died this past August (2014). Im active duty over seas and one side of my family never contacts me. So when i received a surprise call from that one side, it was to only tell me that she died. I tried everything i could to get to the states for the funeral, but i was stuck over here. For 2 weeks i was dumbfounded and i have or had so much to ask her, or hear her stories one last time. Or even play our favorite game together. Then late August (2014) i find out that the one man who has never escaped my mind has died. He was in the military too, we joined together. We were stationed at different bases and knew that nothing serious could happen because of distance, but still we made an effort to see each other every Christmas. We even had a plan to get out and go back to college in our home town. He had wanted me to visit him that July, and i didnt fly over because i didnt have enough in my savings. When he went home to his families house he was hit by a car. he was still alive when he got to the hospital, but his injuries were too extensive. And i keep thinking did he know exactly how i felt? why didnt i use the stupid measly money to see him, i could have seen him one last time. I didnt know he was going to die, i didnt know but i feel so guilty and angry. Ive never had to deal with grief and now these two wonderful amazing people are gone and theres no going back. i find myself crying at random times, along with other things. What was the point in their deaths? one was very old and i knew she would leave us soon, but i wasnt ready. And he didnt deserve to die. I never got to tell him that after 5 years of playing coy with each other that i loved him. i didnt even get to say goodbye to either of them. I dont know when i will ever feel "normal" again.