I Lost my son and best friend.

I lost my son and best friend.

by Ellie

I lost my son on June 11,2011. I can't even begin to put into words the pain that does not seem to ease up. I still can't believe it. I wake up everyday and it's like a punch in the stomach, because it dawns on me that this is another day without my boy. He was 24 yrs. old. I have been on FMLA from my job but it is now becoming quite obvious that I may have to go on LTD. Every bone in my body hurts and I cry constantly. I have a beautiful daughter who lives independantly, has a boyfriend and works full time and is getting her degree. I love her dearly however she is very busy with her own life. I spent so much time with my son, we ate dinner together all the time as he loved my cooking.We laughed and watched movies together. He even went food shopping with me to pick out the ingredients for the meal we would eat. We talked about what went on at our jobs that day and he loved to read and would tell me about his latest book he was into. I really do not like living with this pain. But who does? I try to go to a support group near me but usually i am too tired to go as it is in the evening. I have become practically a recluse. I really do not want to be around others. How does a mother go on? I pray and beg God for strength each day. God help all of us who have lost children.

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I Lost my son and best friend.

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Jan 11, 2013
 My son my friend my love
by: Kate

I read your writings and identify because I was close to my son as well,sharing books,poems,music,eating meals,shopping together. Phone calls,closeness,now all gone! How to go on I
Know not how~ God alone has strength that I have not and I beg for help.so far I have lived almost 2months with this begging for help. Tears sorrow anger love loss all meshed together,we somehow endure. I understand your loss very much. God help each of our broken hearts. Thank you for sharing.
Oct 31, 2012
 Losing my son, my best friend and love of my life
by: Anonymous

It is now going on 17 months since my beautiful boy passed. I just reread all of your posts and they mean more to me now than then. I can now comprehend what other parents who suffer the loss of a child say to me. I honestly could not before. I want to thank you all for being so WARM AND UNDERSTANDING EVEN THOUGH YOU all have gone through the hell of losing our child. God Bless all of YOU.
Jul 23, 2012
 I know!
by: Molly

Hi I just wanted to tell you that I know how you are feeling it's like your message is me writing every word. My one and only son died July 18th so it is no one full year that I have managed to survive without him. I am not sure why I am here everyday I ask god why and ask him to take me to my son. I don't want to or need to be here for any other reason I am more than ready to go. Like you I have thought of sucide over and over again it is constantly in my mind. People have also told me that I won't see him if I do...it is not fair. We were so close he was my friend, my son and the love of my life. I know I can never find that un-conditional love from anyone else. Our kids are just born loving us so how can that ever be replaced?? I have been trying to do everything to cope and for me the best methods are to keep busy so I went back to work, I joined the gym, I am planning on doing some extended learning, I work in my garden, I read alot of spiritual books or books dealing with loss, I write poems. I talk to other moms or parents that have gone through, I have gone to a medium (this really helped me) just being busy is what works for me. However even while doing all these things he is the first though in the morning and throughout the day he is never off my mind, it is impossible to do that. I will love him forever or until the wonderful day that I see him again I just pray its soon, I just want to hug, kiss, hold, and talk to my boy again thats all I want and all I dream of everyday.
Jul 22, 2012
 Losing my son, my best friend and love of my life
by: Ellie

I cannot believe there are so many of us out there. I thank each and every one of you for your messages to me. even though it breaks my heart. i cry every day for my boy. i beg god to take me as the pain is so severe, people who have not gone through this have no clue that it affects your whole world. Nothing is the same. even the sunshine is different. the air is different. I can't think of a reason to live. Except my sister keeps telling me that I would not see him if I should kill myself. It has to be a natural death. Not fair. To all of you please pray and listen to the Abbey Rd cd by the Beatles as this was as well as the Sticky Fingers album we listened to all of the time. He and I would jam to these oldies. I turned him on to all of the music I grew up with. My Sweet Lord is not on the Abbey rd cd but it was one of our favorite songs by George Harrison. I have not had anyone to talk to the way he and I talked since he left me. I hate being alone without him. My boy would give you the shirt on his back if you needed it. He was awesome. Just a good person. Why????
Jul 19, 2012
 Life without your child
by: Mariska

Dear Ellie, you are going through so much pain right now, and I know how you feel. My 25 year old son committed suicide on 18 January 2012, just a week after his birthday and a month after his older sister's wedding. We were devastated. There were no signs that anything was wrong - it was very unexpected. Yesterday it was six months since he has left us.

I have found that the best way to deal with this was to realize that it has happened, nothing can change it, and we have to carry on without him - here is no choice to be made here.

I can tell you that the pain gets better little by little with time, but the longing will always be there. In the beginning I used to cry a lot, and even now a good crying session washes away some of the heartache for a while. Try to stay focused on the future. The past cannot be changed. You had your beautiful son for many years, and you created beautiful memories together. Remember him fondly, but realize that your daughter now needs you more than ever, even if it does not seem so. She is going through the same pain in losing her brother, and is probably trying to cope with her loss by keeping busy. The two of you need to be there for each other. Create a special relationship with her.

May you get the strength and support to be able to carry on with life in honour of your son.
Jul 18, 2012
 I lost my son and best friend
by: Dee U.K.

Hi Ellie, I am sorry for the loss of your son.
I think it is now time for you to see a grief counsellor. You need the support. You may be stuck in grief and need to accept this offer of support. The pain of losing someone is just the pits. But a child or Adult Child is the worst. I almost took up a bereavement counselling course. ~but going into hospital stopped this. I had the handbook. My first class was an interview with a counsellor and a mum who lost her 5 year old child. This was a most painfull class and I could not understand this mother's loss of the pain she was in. At that time some years ago I had not lost anyone. But the type of death affects the grief and also the relationship. You will be in the most intense pain. It does feel as if one's very soul is bleeding and oozing all the time and you just want the wound closed up. It is all exposed and there is no relief for the pain. One can't take a pill or any medication for this pain of grief as it would only mask the pain. It is just something we have to go through. It will only ease off with time and support from a specialist counsellor. I hope that life gets easier as the days go by as each day will be different.
Jul 18, 2012
 lots of time
by: Anonymous

My cousin died suddenly and young...46 and left behind 2 small children. My aunt grieves every day and it has been 4+ years. It never goes away but in some way small way it does get better. I takes times, alot of time for this to happen. She would often say that it would be so much easier for her to stay in bed everyday and just sleep. At least with sleep there is some relief, although she dreams often of her son. My aunt did this for some time....then with the help of family and friends we were able to get her out more. Even if she just sat and cried, we did not care...we wanted her there, grieving with us for as long as it takes....it was perfectly ok and she still cries often. Being with people though helps, even though it is so hard to get up and do just that. (my aunt would be in a robe and slippers and we would still pick her up, to get out and be with us) Hopefully you have family members or friends who will do this for you. My aunt is changed and I think she always will be but i do see moments when she is ok,,,,happy even. It's a long tought road....when you are going thru hell, you just must keep going. keep hope that you will get thru this no matter how much the pain, and eventually you will find some peace. I have one daughter. I always think that if something happens to her, I will just fall to pieces, forever and ever. And I will, but not forever. It is so much harder for those that are left behind in this life. I am thinking of you and wishing you strenght, hope,and peace. It's going to hurt intensely (if that is even an adequate enough word for it) for quite awhile, be VERY patient with yourself. You feel this way because you loved soooo much....you are an awesome person!!!
Jul 18, 2012
 I TOO LOST MY SON AND BEST FRIEND
by: PATRICIA

i TOO HAVE LOST MY DEAREST SON AND BEST FRIEND AND I FEEL AT TIMES THAT I CANNOT GO ON. HE WAS WONDERFUL, CARING, KIND AND JUST A LOVELY HUMAN BEING. THE PAIN IS INTOLERABLE AT TIMES. HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE AFTER A SEVERE BREAKDOWN CAUSED IN PART BY HIS MARRIAGE BREAK UP. I FEEL HE WAS TOO GOOD TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD. I HAVE TWO OTHER CHILDREN BUT HE WAS MY OLDEST AND WE WERE SO CLOSE. MY HUSBAND AND OTHER CHILDREN ARE ALSO DEVASTATED AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP THEM. I TRY TO CARRY ON WITH MY LIFE, GOING TO WORK, COOKING CLEANING AND GENERALLY GETTING ON WITH THINGS BUT I KNOW THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER STOP BREAKING MY HEART FOR THIS LOSS.NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE UP FOR THIS. WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT WE WILL MEET THEM AGAIN IN ANOTHER DIMENSION AND THAT THEY ARE HAPPIER WHERE THEY ARE NOW. THERE ARE NO GOODBYES REALLY AND THEY ARE ALWAYS WITH US IN OUR HEARTS. THIS DOESN'T STOP THE PAIN BUT IT HELPS TO THINK THIS. WE WILL ALL DIE AND WE MUST LIVE NOW FOR OUR FAMILIES AND FOR OUR LOST ONES AND MAKE SURE THAT WE LIVE UNSELFISHLY AND WITH KINDNESS FOR OTHERS AS A TRIBUTE TO THEM.
Jul 18, 2012
 I Understand
by: Debra

I so understand everyones comments. Sunday it will be 5 years since I lost my daughter, Laurie. I pray every night that this will be my last night on this earth. If that wasn't enough of a shock - I also buried her sister, Stacy, 3 years ago. I can't tell you how much I miss those girls. I have prayed to God and anyone else who will listen. My "friends" want me to get over it and get back in to life - their life -you can tell they totally do not get it. I am lost, lonely, and just tired of trying to cope. It just breaks my heart - all of this.
Jul 18, 2012
 I understand
by: carol,seans mom

Ellie, I do understand your pain. I lost my 24 year old son on November 15,2011. My hansome young man was buried Thanksgiving week. He died suddenly. My world has been turned upside down. It has been eight months and everyone around me has gone forward and I am stuck in that day. I have two wonderful daughters to live for. Everyday is difficult but his sisters need their mom. I did go back to work because that seemed to be the only routine I had. The rest of my life had exploded. The pieces still remain everywhere. I don't have the answers ,but we need to just go day to day and some days moment to moment. My son was my sunshine. Life without him is dreadful,painful,sad and pull of panic. I wish all the parents who have lost a child Peace. We certainly have earned that.
Jul 17, 2012
 Prayer and Faith
by: Rose

I, too, lost a child a year and a half ago. It is only through the grace of God that I am here to share His strength and His courage with you. Please know my prayers are with you, Ellie-you are not alone-He is always there to listen to your heart when you are ready!
Don't give up-just pray and have faith!
Rose
Jul 17, 2012
 I LOST MY SON AND BEST FRIEND
by: IRWIN

HI Ellie, I was crying as i read your post.
I can feel what you are going thru. I lost my wife in oct. 2009. We were married for 49 years. I have no one living close to me and they do not call me anyway. I also tryed going to grief groups but no help. I am a veteran and this was worse then combat. Have you gone to any doctors? Since my wife passed away I have written about 12 poems, some were about my wife. I heard that writing poems about the person helps. You could write a poem about your son and have it posted. I have 3 poems on this website. If you look under --CREATIVE OUTLETS--you will see some of my poems. I pray that you find peace soon. Irwin

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