I lost my son and everyone lost their compassion

by Mom

I lost my son 27 months ago. They still can't tell me if it was murder or suicide. My entire world shattered. The grief is still so intense. I miss him and cry daily. My husband and I were going through a divorce at the time. It was and still is a very nasty situation.I had my family. We were always very close. I couldn't have survived without them. They took over my life, took care of my daughter (20), while I sat in a dark, silent house for months. My home sold and I had to be out. Time went on, I stayed with friends and family waiting for the divorce to finalize. Last January, my brother's girlfriend, another friend and I planned a trip to Hawaii in May. I said from the beginning that I would be at my son's grave on his birthday. They booked the tickets ON his birthday and a hotel room for TWO. They wanted me to "catch up" and find my own room. I was devastated! I was so angry and full of rage, I lashed out at everyone.My entire family has disowned me. I had 18 months to grieve and then was supposed to be normal. I am so alone. I have my daughter. Her father refuses to help her with anything. She's having a hard time. He is 55 and has a pregnant 33 year old girlfriend with 3 teenage boys who he is helping to support but won't give his own daughter a dime. I'm still homeless, living with my daughter, sleeping on the floor in her storage room while my ex has a beautiful home. I've supported my daughter for the past year. My money is gone. The anger eats me up. I can barely take care of myself. I feel like everyone hates me and I have more knives in my back than I can count. I've tried and tried to apologize, but my family won't have anything to do with me. I have a couple of friends, but everyone has faded away. I can't do this any longer. I want to die. I lost my entire life. I don't understand how they could shut me out. I don't know what to do. I have no one left. I know I'm a burden to my daughter, even though I pay all her bills and sleep on her floor. I'm so LOST! I don't know how to process all of this RAGE. I never want to leave the house. It's hard to smile. I hate everyone and everything. I feel like such a victim. I'm constantly asking, "how could they do this to me? Why can't they understand how much I hurt?" I can't function. I have no closure on how my son died. I'm having to go to the FBI now. It's much more than I can handle.I agonize alone every day. My son was a hero! He did a year in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. He was amazing! I miss his smile, laugh and everything about him. I miss how he would take control. He would never allow his dad to treat his sister this way...making her feel so rejected and replaced by strangers, while she struggles to survive. The ache in my chest is so strong.I want it all to end.Everyone I love has replaced me with someone else. The thought of my ex having another son who looks like MY son is enough to kill me! Nobody understands why this new baby is so hard for me to accept. I will never get over losing my son, I will never be the same person again and it seems like everyone expects so much of me. I'm so misunderstood and then it's like I just don't care what I say or do. I don't have any coping skills when something hurts me--I'm over my capacity for "hurt" already, don't hurt me anymore! I was always so laid back and everyone loved me. I've turned into a monster, a misunderstood monster. I wish they could experience this pain for one day and then maybe they could learn about compassion.

Comments for I lost my son and everyone lost their compassion

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Sep 15, 2012
Concerned reader's response
by: Angel Jackee

Hello Miss, I am so sorry to hear about the lost of your son; all the hurt, pain, and rejection you are experiencing. I come as a messenger of Peace, Love, Restoration, and Forgiveness... My answer to All your problems are Lay down All your Burdens (All Weight): You got to Let it go. "Don't give it a second thought, you just gotta do it". I will leave this with you, Give your Cares to the Lord, and leave them there: Trust in God with All your Heart and Lean not to your own understanding. Do not get weary in doing good, If you hang in there your Strength will be Renewed. Look to the Hills where All your Help will come from. Be Encouraged! God Bless You.
From Angel Jackee.

Dec 17, 2011
To Mom in CA
by: Anonymous

Dear surviving sister,

We are connected by a mother's loss. Mine was suicide. We finally got the results. 27 months and still not knowing has to pile an extra ton of weight on your grieving body. My heart goes out to you. If we could only reach through the contact here and embrace one another, but words help even if only from a stranger. We lost friends and family too. Those who stick around and new ones who hear our story and stick around are keepers. All others can be permanently loaned to others whose lives are less messy than our own at the moment. But life IS messy. Horrific loss can only be understood by those who experience horrific loss and even as we share a common theme, we still cannot fully understand the loss of another. But as friends who have lost a child, we come along side and walk with you in your journey. You carry 2 heavy suitcases of pain. I offer to carry one, and somehow, together, we balance the grief load for awhile. Those who've helped the most are those who are willing to listen to my story without interruption. In fact, if they already know, to ask me how I am doing and let me know it is safe to share. Why bother telling if the person isn't listening? We are too exhausted to waste a breath. Please come here often and share your story. Deep pain gets release when we can speak of it and tears have their own language of pain. To cry is to get an internal washing and though exhausting, it provides relief. I have the time to spend chatting as much or as little as you like and in fact, I invite you to email me at impossiblejoy@yahoo.com. I have no holiday plans and would welcome our conversation. GT

Dec 16, 2011
there is no time frame for grief
by: jay

I'm very sorry for your pain. The problem is that there is no time frame for grief, but if a person has lived their life and never really experienced grief...they don't understand.
So they will say stupid things that THEY think are comforting. Forgive them.

I reached out to this support site. I will continue to seek others.

It is Christmas in nine days. I, like so many others have to put on the face, do what we must and pretend nothing is wrong.

You are not alone. You must reach out in your community to different groups that help people like us who have one way or the other lost a child.

I pray you pick yourself up, research and live your life, for you and your son.

Dec 08, 2011
For Anonymous-Your not alone.
by: Vickie

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. I UNDERSTAND the feelings your'e having and it is difficult. I have a job where I have to work with kids that are troubled and have some special needs. Mostly they are pretty good, but there are days that are Not always so smooth. I will be getting a couple weeks off for xmas after next wk. It is taking Every ounce of my energy and soul to get thru each day. I work with some wonderful people and they are a blessing. Many are dealing with caring for their aging parents or ill husbands. One lady lost her daughter abt. a yr. after I lost mine. Same age as my daughter, 26. I have never asked her how she copes. I don't want to interfere in her personal business and I feel she prefers to not speak about it. I know that she Feels for me and that I Feel for. This is my third xmas w/o my daughter and for some reason this yr. seems harder than the last two. As a whole I have had more better days than I did a yr. ago. I am not sure why it's harder this year-? I believe it's because I feel as time goes by I fear that people will forget my daughter altogether. Logically I know they won't but because I don't hear her name mentioned as often, or people are moving forward with life-I feel saddened. I have lost interest in just about everything around me. My oldest daughter and two granddaughters are my reason for hanging in there. I think work is actually forcing me to keep going. I haven't totally lost All hope because I have had some days where I actually felt bits of happiness and found myself interested in things I use to enjoy. Short lived because of the pain that comes washing over me- but at least I know there is some hope. Holidays are often stressful enough even w/o death. Stay connected to your friends at work. I try and just bury myself in a movie, or a sitcom. I can't focus long enough to read. I just find that the noise at least helps me drown my mind out. Your grief is still so fresh. Someone here said it best. The ones that were there for you in life before your loss-will be the ones who are with you now. Those that disappeared/faded away were never there really to start with. Keep using this site. As you know-it Helps. Allow yourself to cry and know that all the emotions you are feeling are normal. Ten mo's is a short time and what stronger love is there ,than a mother's love?

If you ever want to talk just contact me here at the site. I go by Vickie from Ca.

Hugs and Prayers to you.

Dec 07, 2011
I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

I also lost my daughter, 10 months ago. She was 32 years old. She died from a drug overdose. Your comments hit home so much for me. I feel like I have to "act normal" every day and all I want to do is die so the pain will go away and also because I think I might see my daughter again. Whenever I talk about my loss lately, I feel like I am being a burden, I imagine people thinking enough already. Nobody has every said this to me, but I feel like I have been enough of a burden with my grief. I do have people in my life that have been very kind and supportive, my coworkers most of all, they are like family to me. I had family that came back into my life right before my daughter died, after being away for 20+ years. As soon as my daughter died they ditched me for some stupid made up reason. My sister remained loyal and loving and I love her for sticking by me. I dont want to smile, I dont want to say have a good one when I leave work on friday night for the weekend, I dont want a christmas tree anymore, I dont want new clothes, I dont want to get a shower, I do because I have to, I dont want to eat, I do because I have to, I dont want to go out, to go to work, I don't want to do anything but die so it will be over. I feel like I put a mask on everyday and when the day is over and I am alone I can take it off so I can cry my heart out.

Dec 06, 2011
a place for us
by: His sister

There is a place on the web, that you can find support with other people like us. Daily Strenght, is a site with different support goups, I'm on Friends and Family affected by suicide. The people there ( most) are supportive. Please don't beat yourself up for things you can't controll, other people for one. There are no set times for grieving. It's been over 3yrs. for me. Unfortunatly I couldn't save my brother. With 2 gun shots in his head, there wasn't much hope. He was still alive when I got to him. Anyway, I lost my mom last March, she wanted to go. Yesterday I was fired because like you I still have a hard time functioning. I almost added normally, I am actting normal to what happened. I'm Lilsis on that site. If you need to talk. No parent should have to bury a child! I hope you look into the site, your pain is real. Ask yourslf this, How would all these people react if it were them? Could they do that much better. A very heartfelt I will help any way I can.

Dec 06, 2011
Please don't give up hope
by: Colorado Mom

My heart goes out to you for your devastating loss. I cannot imagine the pain you are in, with losing a child; however, I can relate to the confusion and insensitivity around how other people respond to a deep loss. After my husband died 18 months ago, I learned a lot about friends, family members and the differences in how much and what kind of support they offered. And when there are already difficult relationships and more changes - like your divorce - that all comes together for another incredible layer of sadness.

I have decided that most people don't know how, and don't want to do the work of facing their own emotions and fears of loss and what can happen in life. We don't have a choice, in grieving of facing these fears. For me, I thought my profound loss would mean family support would fully be there. Instead, I have learned that if it was there before, it remained; but if it was not there already in my relationships -- it didn't come about after the death.

Now, I try to see my relationships in their stark reality. I am focusing on the compassionate people I have in my life and finally, FINALLY and gently letting go and/or pushing to my Outer circle, all the others. I am getting bold at this and better at it. I just don't have the energy for anything else. I need positive people only.

People say and do the most ignorant things - and they make promises using words that they don't really mean, nor do they follow through. It seems that after a year - the death becomes a topic everyone tip toes around, just hoping that they don't have to see any lingering pain or sadness or witness any trouble coping.
What to say? How to help? It must seem like such a helpless situation to someone who has never had such loss, yet there are so many simple ways to help.

I completely understand the rage and utter anger at the lack of real empathy people can show. It is confusing. It gets wrapped up in more hurt as time goes on. You are not alone, be easy on yourself, and I hope you can surround yourself with ONLY caring and nonjudgmental people. If it has to start with YOU - please hang in there and dig deep for the courage and strength you need to get through. It is a lonely journey we are on, I believe. Your son sounds like an amazing person, who loved to laugh as well. Your plate it piled high, yet you are giving and generous with what you have. I have to believe that it gets better.

I send you compassion, hugs, strength; ways to get rid of anger (I can relate) and know someone out there and all the people in this online community are digging deep too, to find peace once again.

Dec 05, 2011
Lost son-lost compassion..
by: Vickie CA,

Your story hit home with me. I am so very sorry for your pain and anguish. Just let me tell you I understand how it feels to have people that once loved you turn and walk away because they believe you should be doing better. After all, it has been over two yr's and time helps heal all wounds. I hate that saying. It is ridiculous to me. You Never get over losing your child-NEVER. I lost my daughter a litte over two yr's ago in a car accident and I also have one older girl. She misses her sister. They had their differences but they loved each other. She is there the best she knows how to be, for me. I try and not ask much from her emotionally because she has always kept her emotions to herself(sadness). Her father is an ass also. Came to the funeral with his latest girlfriend and moved out of state a few mo's. after her death. He has Always put women before his own kids and often the other womans kids. I have a small family and my sister is more concerned with my retirement fund than my emotional needs now. She was there and showed support after the funeral but eventually she faded away with her own life. I thought she would call, or email me to ck. but not so much. Most people I have come to realize Don't want to deal with it. I think it scares them that their life could be turned upside down one day. Death is an uncomfortable/awkward thing. It's like we have a disease that is contagious and they want to keep their distance out of fear they may contract it. My heart goes out to you. Losing a child and just getting through each day can be exhausting. Breathing, eating, going to work -All exhausting. I have a couple of close friends that try to be there as much as possible ,but I try not to say to much-I'm afraid it may cause them to run away. That's why I came to this site. Only those who have suffered a loss of such magnitude can understand. I don't think even if they wanted to that it would be possible. I have better days than I did two yr's ago but it is still very difficult. I realize that No one will ever 'get'what I am feeling. The pain and frustration. The only advice I can offer is for you to just focus on taking care of yourself. I hear there is a very great support group called Compassionate Friends in many areas. I also live in Ca. and I know they offer groups all over. As far as friends and family I think you have to just let go of any expectations of them right now. Take care of you and your daughter. You have a right to feel what your feeling but unfortuantely they probably won't Ever understand your loss. In the mean time all it is doing is eating you up and draining you physically and emotionally. I wish you only the best in your search for your answer to your sons death. I am located as I said in Ca. If you want to ever talk just let me know here thru this site. I would be happy to do so.

God Bless you. Vickie

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