I lost my son and everyone lost their compassion
I lost my son 27 months ago. They still can't tell me if it was murder or suicide. My entire world shattered. The grief is still so intense. I miss him and cry daily. My husband and I were going through a divorce at the time. It was and still is a very nasty situation.I had my family. We were always very close. I couldn't have survived without them. They took over my life, took care of my daughter (20), while I sat in a dark, silent house for months. My home sold and I had to be out. Time went on, I stayed with friends and family waiting for the divorce to finalize. Last January, my brother's girlfriend, another friend and I planned a trip to Hawaii in May. I said from the beginning that I would be at my son's grave on his birthday. They booked the tickets ON his birthday and a hotel room for TWO. They wanted me to "catch up" and find my own room. I was devastated! I was so angry and full of rage, I lashed out at everyone.My entire family has disowned me. I had 18 months to grieve and then was supposed to be normal. I am so alone. I have my daughter. Her father refuses to help her with anything. She's having a hard time. He is 55 and has a pregnant 33 year old girlfriend with 3 teenage boys who he is helping to support but won't give his own daughter a dime. I'm still homeless, living with my daughter, sleeping on the floor in her storage room while my ex has a beautiful home. I've supported my daughter for the past year. My money is gone. The anger eats me up. I can barely take care of myself. I feel like everyone hates me and I have more knives in my back than I can count. I've tried and tried to apologize, but my family won't have anything to do with me. I have a couple of friends, but everyone has faded away. I can't do this any longer. I want to die. I lost my entire life. I don't understand how they could shut me out. I don't know what to do. I have no one left. I know I'm a burden to my daughter, even though I pay all her bills and sleep on her floor. I'm so LOST! I don't know how to process all of this RAGE. I never want to leave the house. It's hard to smile. I hate everyone and everything. I feel like such a victim. I'm constantly asking, "how could they do this to me? Why can't they understand how much I hurt?" I can't function. I have no closure on how my son died. I'm having to go to the FBI now. It's much more than I can handle.I agonize alone every day. My son was a hero! He did a year in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. He was amazing! I miss his smile, laugh and everything about him. I miss how he would take control. He would never allow his dad to treat his sister this way...making her feel so rejected and replaced by strangers, while she struggles to survive. The ache in my chest is so strong.I want it all to end.Everyone I love has replaced me with someone else. The thought of my ex having another son who looks like MY son is enough to kill me! Nobody understands why this new baby is so hard for me to accept. I will never get over losing my son, I will never be the same person again and it seems like everyone expects so much of me. I'm so misunderstood and then it's like I just don't care what I say or do. I don't have any coping skills when something hurts me--I'm over my capacity for "hurt" already, don't hurt me anymore! I was always so laid back and everyone loved me. I've turned into a monster, a misunderstood monster. I wish they could experience this pain for one day and then maybe they could learn about compassion.