i lost my son and my best friend,

by gaynel ryan diamond
(oolitic ind. 47451)

well I thought talking to people was hard, but it turns out writing it thinking about it or talking about no matter what i do I cry my son was 37 years old when died in a scooter wreak. from the time i had bradley we spent every moment together. as he grow up we still were inseparable.when he started school, I could not stand being away from him, so i would walk about 12 mile every week day to the school and sit in the dugout and wait for school to be out. then run to the door to meet him. then we went to mcdonalds and to a park close by. we went on walks, and movies and long drives. my heart cant take this even when bradley got married he lived very close to me. walking distance so we saw each other every day. some days when him and his wife had problems as we all do from time to time. he would come to me to talk. I mean best friends for ever. i hate going to bed and i hate waking up. the nightmares the never ending pain is just to much to take, but i have a son brandon 35 years old. we buried bradley on may 24th on his 38th birthday. bradley left me 3 beautiful grandchildren ( girls ) ages 3, 6, and 14. i want to be with bradley but he just would not slow down, he always lived in the fast lane, I begged him but he has rode motor cycles an scooters since he was 4 years old. so he just kept saying mom I have rode since i was 3 years old nothing can happen. well 3 weeks after he got the scooter I helped him buy, and will never forgive myself for. he was wide open into a bad curve on a bridge and hit the guardrail. he died instantly, but I chock back the tears and try to believe that, but I have a scanner. brad left my apartment about 2;45 pm he said mom i am going to grandmas to wash my scooter and I will be right back. as a rule bradley always hugged me and said see you in a few. not this time another regret. so he left and i came in sit down to watch tv until he came back, however that did not happen, because about 10 minutes later i heard on the scanner bad scooter wreak on east oolitic road, my heart drop and i just knew it was my son my first born. oh my god please let him be ok, so I called my mother and he had not been there. I hung up as fast as i could and called er and ask if they had a bradley ryan and got the worst response of my life. yes who is calling please my voice cracked as I replied back this is his mother, the lady said please be careful but get here as soon as possible. a very good friend of mine rushed me to er, the longest ride every for 3 miles. everything was in slow mode. I ran up to the window and ask to see bradley. no miss ryan, they are working on him we will come get when you can, please have a set someone will be right out, and she did but just said we are working on bradley there are about 15 to 20 people working on him and we will do our best but it dont look good. so when can I see him I ask, we will let you know. forever went by back to the window may I see my son now please. no i am sorry not yet we will let you know, then all of the sudden the er doors came open, and there were a lot of doctors in the door way to block me, but it did not matter i was going in to see bradley. but i was moved away out of the door a doctor had me by my arm and said please sit down i have bad news for you bradley did not make it, im so sorry but we had his heart going again but he just could not keep it going, then she said but she said he did not feel anything, that he was dead as soon as he hit. now i am left to wonder if they let me in when his heart was beating maybe he would have known i was there with him. I will never know, and will always wonder. it has been 15 days ago that i got my last hug the night before my nightmare began and will never end. however i still have brandon who I love as much as brad and brads 3 girls and my mother to carry on for .i hope i can but i dont think it is possible. thank you so much for this site to all moms who have lost a adult child i pray for god to help us go on for them.

Comments for i lost my son and my best friend,

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Aug 01, 2013
Thank you so much!!!!
by: gaynel diamond

To Anonymous Momma, oh my word, i am so sorry for your loss. My Son's name was Bradley Clifford Ryan. he to came close to death a couple of times. at rhe age of 12 he was up the street playing basket ball, he loved sports then,but the ball went over a hill and when he went to get it the german sheperd next door broke the chain and attacted him. His cousin was there and kicked the dog under it,s mouth and it ran away, however bradley was bitten ten times on his head and his tshirt was tucket into his colar bone. he was rushed to er and i was told to take a set and they will let me know when they could how he was doing. i kept asking to see him as before and about 2 hours later was told to sit down they had to expain some things. he has lost alot of blood they said it don,t look good. he was os sick i sat by his bedside for 7 days before he could even talk. about 2 weeks later we went home. i only make myself get up every morning to get the day over with so i am a day closer to my bradley. for brandon my 35 year old son and my grandchildern and my mother i am trying but dont know it is just to hard. i am so sad to here of your loss at such a young age and to be so happy and full of life. we wrer so blessed to have our beatiful sons for the time we did, but can, heal from this one. i dont know who i am without him. so i will just sit here and wait my turn, i really hope it is soon but i do know that until it is i can,t rush it or i will never see him again. been crying ever since and can,t stop. you see i helped him buy the scooter that took his life, so a friend of our,s called me about 10 mornings in a row following the viewing and said, how does it feel to know you killed your son stupid. already could not get that thought out of my head. now it plays in my mind over and over. my prayers are also with you and your family. plaese take careof and say every day i love you to them. thank you for you kind words.

Jul 03, 2013
thinking of you
by: Anonymous Momma

Gaynel, I couldn't even come up with a title. Words are not good enough. My son was in a horrible car wreck a year ago on July 1st but had a miraculous recovery only to be killed in another wreck. He passed away May 21, 2013 at the age of 21. Some people have been unbelievably rude and insensitive while others do there best to comfort my family. One girl even said he should have learned his lesson the first time. What lesson? My son was also my oldest, and I have a younger son who is 20. I think it will be really difficult for him on his 22nd birthday knowing he outlived his 'big' brother. I am optimistic that he will out live him any way. This HORRIBLE 'thing' we are going through plants paranoia and doubts, doesn't it? I don't know how I get through the days. If I did I would tell you the secret, but they do seem to fly by. I wake up thinking of my son, think of him constantly throughout the day and I cry myself to sleep at night asking Jesus to tell him again that I love him and to hold him for me. It doesn't even help to know that we are not alone. When I see a parent's post on here with a death date later than my son's my heart aches speculating that I know kind of what that parent is going through. I wish I knew what to say to you, but I don't. I guess treasure the time you have with the loved ones that are still with you. We know not to take life and time for granted. Prayers for you and your family. Oh-I have just been informed I have to have a title....

Jul 03, 2013
thinking of you
by: Anonymous Momma

Gaynel, I couldn't even come up with a title. Words are not good enough. My son was in a horrible car wreck a year ago on July 1st but had a miraculous recovery only to be killed in another wreck. He passed away May 21, 2013 at the age of 21. Some people have been unbelievably rude and insensitive while others do there best to comfort my family. One girl even said he should have learned his lesson the first time. What lesson? My son was also my oldest, and I have a younger son who is 20. I think it will be really difficult for him on his 22nd birthday knowing he outlived his 'big' brother. I am optimistic that he will out live him any way. This HORRIBLE 'thing' we are going through plants paranoia and doubts, doesn't it? I don't know how I get through the days. If I did I would tell you the secret, but they do seem to fly by. I wake up thinking of my son, think of him constantly throughout the day and I cry myself to sleep at night asking Jesus to tell him again that I love him and to hold him for me. It doesn't even help to know that we are not alone. When I see a parent's post on here with a death date later than my son's my heart aches speculating that I know kind of what that parent is going through. I wish I knew what to say to you, but I don't. I guess treasure the time you have with the loved ones that are still with you. We know not to take life and time for granted. Prayers for you and your family. Oh-I have just been informed I have to have a title....

Jun 03, 2013
I know your pain
by: Jane greenwood

First off I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too posted my story the other day. If you look back a few days you will see it. My son, Travis was full of life he wasn't ready to go he too lived life in the fast lane. His dad said Travis's short 22 years had been longer and more lives than some people who died at 80 but that didn't or shouldn't of put him on the list of people to take from us. My faith is still gone, I came up on my sons accident and I saw my beautiful boy laying out in that awful ugly highway. I can't stand it either and now after we've had the funeral and services I am starting to literally cave in. I sit here and want to do nothing but just remember my wonderful son. I also have a younger son 17 yrs old I'm trying super hard to be strong for him because he is taking this very very hard most times I have to fake or force my strength because I cannot find ANY within. We went to scene if accident yesterday the 1 week anniversary of his death and put up a beautiful white cross bearing his name and we attached a lot of the things he loved on it. My son hasn't been riding very long and when he came to me and told me he was buying this HARLEY I was mad and told him he didn't have Any business buying this big and powerful motorcycle BUT as we mothers are we can't stay mad and it bothered him that I was angry so I gave in but I begged him to prove me wrong and always to be careful. Well sadly he didn't keep the promise and the accident was bcuz he ran the red stop light and he t boned a truck. He also died on impact but the skid marks show where travis had tried to turn his bike to avoid hitting the truck and that makes me think my son had 1 brief second to know what was about to happen and we as parents aren't equipped with the tools to handle knowing our children had that much fear and even a nano second of pain at least I know I'm not. I don't understand and I dread nights mornings I am living in the moment only I cannot look ahead even 5 mins into the future. It's just too overwhelming for me. I just wanted to write to you and tell you your NOT alone and I do feel your Pain I do pray and I've always had faith instilled in me but now I just pray to get that faith back so I can get thru the days ahead. I will pray for you also and my heart bleeds for you and your loss

With every ounce of my sympathy to you,
Jane Greenwood. Austin Txt

Jun 03, 2013
Me too
by: Anonymous

My only child, the light of my life, transitioned two weeks ago today, after battling a rare, insidious cancer for 3 years. He fought to the end, and when were sitting together, alone in the hospital, he said "I don't want to live anymore". I told him it was okay to leave, and he was gone in a flash. It was as though he was waiting for my permission.
What's weird is that I worked in oncology for 20 years. What he had didn't respond to chemo or radiation. What's the message in that?
I'm working hard on honoring his memory by getting up and going each morning. It's not easy and it stinks, but if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want him grieving for me and missing out on life. And though I don't understand why we suffer, I do know for sure that this is not the only stop on this journey. Just because I can't see my baby physically doesn't mean he isn't with me. I will always love him, always remember him, and always honor him.

Jun 03, 2013
My son
by: Kathy

I lost my beautiful charismatic son in a motorbike accident. five weeks ago.
There were no other vehicles involved the bike went out of control and hit a lamppost he was killed instantly.
He was 39 years old and loved by all who knew him.
I think of him all the time.
I don't know how to function .
I wake with a pain in my heart every morning still hoping on hope that it is a just a terrible nightmare.
This is how it will be for the rest of my life .
I see only a future of sadness and the years ahead without him.
My heart is broken.

Jun 03, 2013
Your son
by: Kate

I'm so touched by your loss because I lost my 39 yr old son whom I was so close to that I understand your pain shock sorrow and devastation. It has been 6 months and I don't know how. We somehow go on. You will go through many emotions
And on here we care with you because we know loss of our child. Thinking of you.

Jun 02, 2013
I lost my son and my best friend
by: Doreen U.K.

Gaynel I am sorry for your loss of your eldest son and for the pain you are in just now. It is early days of grief and you will feel such excruciating pain for these next few months till you are able to process this shock of losing an Adult child. It doesn't matter how old our children are. They are still our children forever.
Forgive yourself for being with your son Bradley when he chose the bike. It wouldn't have made any difference if you were not there. Bradley wanted that bike and he would have got it even in your absence.
When the doctors were working on him to get his heart beating again you say you feel angry that if you were there Bradley would have known you were there. You had such a strong bonding with your son Bradley that he would have always felt your presence even when you were not there. So don't worry. Bradley would have known nothing at that time. The Love of you his mother would have been always in his heart and that is how he would have passed from this world. He was born with a mother's love and grew up with a mother's love and he died the same way with a mother's LOVE. Be at Peace.

Jun 01, 2013
Your son
by: Dianne

I am so sorry that you are in the terrible place you are in . My darling wonderful son/soulmate died nearly six months ago (that was hard to put). His funeral etc passed in a haze. Then I stayed as still as I could every day hoping that if I didn't move time wouldn't take him further away from me. I never ever thought that I would be in this place. My heart goes out to you in your raw grief. I wish I could say it gets easier i wish I could tell you that the need to hold smell feel that wonderful person that you gave birth to eases. But I can,t , my beautiful baby (he was just 38) wakes me up in my head in the morning and stays in my head talking to me everyday. I laughed yesterday with my granson and then felt guilty for laughing. Bless you, I wish I could hold you hand, I wish I could sit and talk to you when everyone else seems to walk on with their lives. Please give yourself the right to grieve for as long as it takes. YOUR SON YOUR SORROW mum and son very special (they hold are hearts) xxx

Jun 01, 2013
Bradley
by: Debi

Gaynel -

I am so very sorry Gaynel for the loss of your son Bradley. Hoping that you find some peace in the days ahead. Prayers for you and your family.

Debi
Texas

Jun 01, 2013
Son
by: Anonymous

Dear Geynel ahhhhhhhhh soooo sorry for your loss , I know n feel the horrible feelings coz I lost my beautiful youngest child of mine. ,he was 26 only , I lost him on 21/2/2011 n till now I don't believe it.stop

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