by Dawn Faihtinger
(Portland Oreogn)

Yesterday 4/24/2013 at 11:00 am I watched my Mom take her last grueling breath. I told you Mom I would be there till the end, I just didn't realize how hard that promise would be to do. As I watched you struggle these last months trying to breath just almost killed me but God finally answered my prayers an took you into his house an I now you will be safe, peaceful an loved beyond measure. My mom was 82 yrs young an didn't look it, she use to be so vibrant, always looking for things to do, she was a great grandmother.
Its only been twenty-four hours an I feel more lost now then ever, its a realization she isn't here anymore, I cant call her an say MOM WHAT DO I DO THIS TIME? She would just laugh an LISTEN an then tell me things will be ok an they were.
My mother smoked cigarettes till she was 80 yrs old, an she never listened about quitting (I use to smoke an quit because of what I saw my mom going thru}And even when she did quit she still asked to smoke. But two yrs ago 2/28/2011 she layed them down, but the horror those cigs did was awful an watching the remnants of her life be taken so miserably was awful . I use to be a nurse an know what all happens to people so this was the worst thing I could have imagined an yet now she is gone. My heart so heavy, can't sleep, eat just cry. Two days ago she was laughing an joking an then looked ast me an said "I'm dying an it will be soon, your ok now an I can GO". IM NOT OK AN NO SHE WASNT SUPOSE TO GO, I know its the grief talking it still hurts an the memories are so vivid. She had such a hard time leaving this world. Someone dying of COPD, CHF, EMPHESEMA an many other things were awful, but now she has no more pain. I miss her so very very much an wish I could just keep holding her hand an have her tell me its OK AGAIN cause its not.


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May 03, 2013
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom on April 4th. I also watched her take her last breath. My mom was on a trach and could not seem to liberate herself from it. She was only 73 and went in the hospital because her oxygen level was low. The doctors talked her into getting a colonoscopy because they found blood in her stool. My mom had a mechanical valve and always had bleeding problems after procedures if she was put on heparin. She told the doctors she was concerned of this but they talked her into it by saying they would take it slow. She listened to them, we all did. We shouldn't have. Two days after the procedure she was complaining of severe headaches and double vision. The nurses were rude and negligent. They told her she "complained too much". Finally after we pushed the doctor did a CAT scan only to run down the hall yelling to "stop the heparin drip" My mom was suffering from a brain bleed. New Years Day at 12:30 am we were faced with having my mom go through emergency brain surgery. She survived the surgery but with complications after complications. They put in the peg tube wrong, left the incision open and put in another peg tube only for all the guck to get into the original incision causing more complications. She recovered and was back to her normal self about a month later but then the challenge became getting her off the trach. We were making tremendous progress and at one point my sister had her leave me a voicemail on my phone when I was traveling. Then she developed spinal fluid leakage in the back of the cerebellum. She had to have a drainage tube put in her brain to release the pressure and drain into her stomach. This stopped working. The final problem that did her in was the UTI. She had had enough. She couldn't get off the ventitlator/trache. We were forced to make a decision to send her to a nursing home that excepts vent patients (there are only 5 in Michigan) and they are all bad. I wasn't about to send my beautiful mother to live day after day at that facility on a ventilator. My sisters and I decided to turn off the ventilator and followed her wishes from her living well. I watched her take her last breath. It took about 10 minutes. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't believe she is gone. 4 1/2 months of fighting with medicare, insurance companies, doctors, nurses, acute care facilities. We put up a good fight as her advocate but sadly she gave in. I will never forget my beautiful mother. The cards and the people that showed up to her funeral was amazing. My mom always was unsure of herself. If she only knew how many people thought she was such a wonderful, beautiful friend. I still can't believe she is gone. It's surreal. It's easy to question the afterlife. I feel like we have been through so much and I hope my faith will continue to guide me. Somedays it's just hard.

Apr 30, 2013
To Rita
by: Dawn

my dearest Rita I am so so very sorry I do understand what you're going through my mother slowly died for two years I fought the system everyday because of her medications because of how they treated her misinformation medications boo boos poor quality care caregivers who couldn't care less sweetheart God didn't do thisour society is the way it is because they don't care about others that's the one thing about the site is so great everybody hears for the same reason we all hurt but we can support each other by being able to see lift each other up and no there are others out there just like you that feel just like you and know what you're going through enter here for you to talk toI will say this for you you didn't state whether your mother had a hospice program if she doesn't get her one quickly they are the greatest people out there to help you with what you're going through right now they will make sure that your mother is taken care of and you I hope that helped a little bit I know it wasn't much everybody here is there pain is still new and when we lose our parents no matter what age or even have to watch them go through the devastation of an illness is awful I stayed in a previous comment I used to be a nurse and that was so hard for me to watch my mother die knowing what she went through and yet I was the big baby I cried yelled screened hollard and it didn't matter she still was going to die I prayed non stop every time I left her room just asking God to please give her peace don't let this hurt her and she also knew she was dying the Thursday before she died she came in her me preach a sermon on suffering and death and she told me that was the best thing she's ever heard and she was ready to go I prayed God would make it easy and he did the hard part is us that we have a loss that can't be replaced I've made some great friends here and so will you god bless you and I pray that you find some peace in all the devastation angry that you have right now my heart and my love is with you

Apr 30, 2013
Losing Mom
by: Doreen U.K.

Rita I am so very sorry to hear your post that your mom is dying. You feel so alone and confused right now. These are all normal feelings. My husband lived with the cancer diagnosis for 3yrs.39days when I was his caregiver. I had these years to grieve from diagnosis and even now he has passed away 1yr. on Sunday 5th May. I had a horrible cancer journey with my husband. He really suffered. It was cruel to watch. Cruel to see a Man know he was going to die and didn't want to. I know what you are going through right now. It is the worst experience one could ever go through to see the one you love die before your eyes. My husband got blood clots after his last Chemo. He had to have daily injections in his abdomen. There is things that can be done. But perhaps your mom has so many clots that injections won't work? I don't Know. But it is the worst feeling ever to be where you are. The feelings of lonliness and emptiness are the very worst. Sitting here I feel the emptiness of this room. My beloved husband is not here. It will take a lot of adjustment.
Many of us on this site still feel the same way. Wishing we could die. Wishing we could have swapped places with our dying loved one. Unbearable pain coursing through our bodies till we couldn't stand it anymore and wondering when it would stop?
I prayed for my husband's healing so I was mad with God for not rescuing him and me from this cancer. I felt ANGRY as if I had somehow through lack of FAITH caused my husband's death. WHY? God is our Healer and WHY? didn't my husband get the chance to LIVE! I felt a wave of panic and desperation. Here was this man I loved dying and I would do anything for him to live. Email every Radio and TV Station in America and the world for Prayer and Healing. Then DEVASTATION. I see him draw his last breath and this is what I remember like it is burned into my MIND/MEMORY. I see the face of my husband in my memory and want him back. I almost feel a wave of panic as if I can't bear it. I don't just sit here and wallow in my sorrow. I make myself busy when I can. I made bread and cook and try my best to move forward. BUT. There is only so much a person can do to help themselves. Grief will COME. And it will GO. In cycles for I don't know how long. TILL it decides to move on to someone else. I am seeing Grief and Sorrow like some infection/disease that will do its work and then move on. It can't stay otherwise it would kill us. Rita May God comfort you in your grief and sorrow and help you in the days ahead to cope with your loss and find the strength and support to go through the months ahead and find a way to cope with Life.

Apr 29, 2013
losing mom
by: rita

my mom is dying as i write this , i feel so alone and all i do is cry dont know what i will do without her here , she was my best friend the one person i know loves me no matter what , i feel so lost now , how will i ever get over the loss, they say time makes it easier, but iam not sure if that is the case i just want to die myself the pain is more than i can stand now, seems so unfair how death sneaks , she had her toe removed 2wks ago it healed nicely but then she got blood clots and they found a mass in her one kidney she only has one lost the other one a few years ago to cancer, now she has interal bleedind in her adominal cavity, and passing blood when she urinates doctors took her off all meds and arent treating any of her issues she cant take blood thinners for the blood clots becauce she will bleed to death in no time , cant do anything the doctors said she is to weak , so all we can do is wait ..she is aware that she is dying and all she can do is try to keep me calm she has excepted it , she is so brave iam a mess ..its just a matter of time before a blood clot moves and kills her .i feel its so unfair iam mad at god and everyone, hope i can get over the thgeses feelings i find myself saying bad things about god how unfair he is , only time can heal i hope..now all i can do is hope she go's without pain doctor said death for her should be painless when the clot passes to heart , lungs or brain ..thans for letting me vent ..rita

Apr 27, 2013
Thank You
by: Dawn

I want to thank you guys for leaving your comments they do help and I'm so sorry for your losses alsoI do realize in time things will get a little easier but as we all know and I enjoyed that comment about feeling this use it so right listen here staring at the blanket that was made for her and I remember her on Monday saying how she was ready to go see the Lord in that she don't know she could for me and now it was time for me to stand on my ownI wish it were that easyI thank the Lord for being there as always guided me through given me strength and help me through each day one day at a time thank you up god bless you

Apr 27, 2013
Thank You
by: Dawn

I want to thank you guys for leaving your comments they do help and I'm so sorry for your losses alsoI do realize in time things will get a little easier but as we all know and I enjoyed that comment about feeling this use it so right listen here staring at the blanket that was made for her and I remember her on Monday saying how she was ready to go see the Lord in that she don't know she could for me and now it was time for me to stand on my ownI wish it were that easyI thank the Lord for being there as always guided me through given me strength and help me through each day one day at a time thank you up god bless you

Apr 27, 2013
One more min.... Hour...day... With my dad
by: Lisa

Hi dawn , may I say you have my deepest sympathy . We have shared very similar experiences . I lost my dad to COPD on 6/3/13 and watched him take his last breath . He was only 66 and a heavy smoker ,also had cement dust in his lungs . Doesn't matter what the age they are gone and we miss them. Be strong , you will get through it . My thoughts are with you x

Apr 26, 2013
My thoughts are with you
by: Janne Marissa

I'm terribly sorry for your loss its heart renching to lose a mother irrespective of age I read a qoute a few months ago when my mother passed that "a mother is someone who can fill anyone shoes but who's shoes no one else can fill" to me this is the most true my thoughts are with you God bless and provide you strength

Apr 26, 2013
I lost my very best friend_My Mom
by: Doreen U.K.

Dawn I am sorry for your loss of your mom. It doesn't matter what age they live to we will always want our mom's with us FOREVER. It has been 10yrs. now for me losing my mom to a heart attack. I am only now starting to grieve the loss of her since I lost my husband of 44yrs. almost one year now to cancer. My husband was a smoker and gave up some 18yrs. before he died of lung cancer. He didn't die of smoking. His cancer was caused by working with ASBESTOS. This was confirmed by the Oncologist who said smoking had nothing to do with your lung cancer. In his 20's my husband as a carpenter worked with asbestos and cut it. He inhaled the fibres and a slow growing cancer which takes 40-60yrs. to develop was slowly growing inside his lungs and his cancer was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. My husband was looking forward to his retirement and very stunned to realise that he wasn't going to live long. He was 65yrs. when he died. Life will never be the same for any of us when we lose someone close who was an immediate significant person in our family. We just go through the normal stages of grief now and hope each day will help us cope better. I wish you Peace, and healing from your loss of your mom.

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