I lost my wife.

by J
(SCOTLAND)

I lost my wife to cancer in October. She was only 34 years old. We were together 15 years and married 7 of those. My pain is still so near. I thought I was making some progress in recent weeks but the Christmas period has been difficult. I am hoping the days ahead will see a return to some sort of normality in terms of how I am expected to behave. I enjoy being with my family and friends but I’ve felt the need to hide my grief so as not to put a downer on their festivities.

Right now I am crying often. Anything sets me off. Making tea for one, seeing her things around the house, looking at pictures of her, thinking of her pain and fear, her final moments, her final breath, the funeral, happy times we had, decisions we made together, sledging, cycling, shopping, the movie Up (you know the scene), basically every waking moment I am either thinking of her or distracting myself by endlessly watching TV box-sets. Even these make me think of her, especially the good episodes that I know she would have loved.

I am still getting horrific flashbacks to certain events during her illness. When she first discovered the lump. When we were told it was cancer. When it returned 18 months after her treatment. When she was given 4 weeks to live last Christmas. When she had a seizure at home. When we found out it had spread to her brain. The fear and confusion in her eyes. When she died in my arms. When she said ‘I love you’ with her final breath. When these flashbacks start I can’t shake them off. They grip me like an icy hand around my wrist. When they subside I am numb with pain and fear.

Here are some nuggets of advice I’ve had. “Life goes on”, “You will miss her every day, so you just have to get on with things”, “I can’t imagine what you are going through but I am sure she would want you to get on with your life” (so you can’t imagine my feelings but you can imagine what someone you only met a handful of times, would feel about me), “perhaps you need counseling” (this from a medical professional barely 2 weeks after her funeral), “she was a fighter, in fact I remember one argument we had…..”, - like I needed to hear you still held a grudge.

I hate the fact that I can’t sleep and that I can’t take any pleasure from anything in life. After 2 months I am not sure which stage of grief I am at. All I know is that I am profoundly sad and lonely. I don’t think I have accepted her passing. I’ve accepted that she is dead but not that she is gone. Twice she has come to me in dreams. Here I was able to touch her and see her smile. The cancer that had attacked her body was gone and she looked radiant and beautiful. I wish I could dream of her every night but I know my body is looking out for me here. In time I am sure my dreams of her will be longer and more joyous and not heartbreaking when I have to let her go each time.

I know soon I will have to return to work and routine. I hope people will not judge me or try to tell me when they think I should return. Questions like, “are you not back at work yet?” are really starting to annoy me. My grief is an ever changing sea. One minute it is calm and serene the next it is pounding on my shores or tossing me up and down mountainous waves. Gently bobbing along with an occasional swell is what I am hoping for in the years ahead.

I loved her more each and every day. The girl that I met became an amazing woman. In the process she made me the man I am. x

Comments for I lost my wife.

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 08, 2014
I lost my wife
by: brian

I lost my wife too in December 2013 and experience all the feelings and emotions you are going through. How do you carry on without the one person who truly loved you. Who believed in you and had total trust in you. We were together for nearly 50 years, I met her when she was just 15. We married in 1969, had a wonderful family and later grandchildren that completed our perfect world. Rose was the hub of our family. She died suddenly on a Monday and I can't get past that fateful morning. They tell me that the deep pain and loss I feel will never go away but in time life will become bearable. Hard to believe for each day brings it's own heartbreak and sorrow. That is why I can't sleep for I know then that I wont have to wake up to this nightmare. Everything and all her possessions indoors are just how she left them and I keep it that way in readiness for when she finds her way back to me. I pray each day that it will be soon. This and the love of my wonderful family are all that keep me going, but it is so very hard without my beautiful Rose. "IF"

May 13, 2014
I too lost my wife
by: Anonymous

I too lost my wife 3 weeks ago to alztimers. She was my life she dearly loved me and I her. I want her back so bad. I want one of her kisses. The hurt will never go away. There is no other like her. We were together over 25 years. Oh God my heart hurts.Give her back PLEASE LORD

Nov 23, 2013
Im just like you
by: John

I lost my wife to cancer in July 2013 . I like you can't believe she is gone. It tears me up every day without her here. I cry every day just by looking at things around the house. I don't think I will ever get over this. I just have to stay strong for the rest of my family , I'm all they have now. I'm not looking forward to the holidays at all. This will be the test of a lifetime. I hope you the best and try to have a happy thanksgiving and a merry Christmas.

John,

Jun 11, 2013
Hi
by: Anonymous

Heartbreaking story my friend, I'm standing here at a bus stop in tears. My wife for last 6 months hasn't been well I know she's battling something but she thinks its stress and won't go to the doctor. Like you have gone through I don't think I'd cope if anything happened to her she's 35. God bless you and hope you get better slowly.

Jan 10, 2013
I think your in my skin
by: Dave

I read your words, I wrote the same things today here. My Rhondie.
I've heard the same things from Friends and Family. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. It is a pain that only those that have lost such as yourself will understand. They all mean well, they have good intensions, but you just want someone to make sense out of any of it. I to have recently experienced the worst pain I have ever felt. You know that her pain is gone, she is not worried anymore, not scared anymore. But somehow I just want mine to come to me and let me know she is OK. I hope that someday you find peace within yourself. All I can offer you at this time in your life is," I understand. " and hope you know that is that boat your in, your not alone. I have to get to that point as well.

Jan 03, 2013
My thanks
by: J

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. My wife used to worry about how I would cope when she was gone. I used to tell her not to worry about me, that I would be fine and that my memories and love for her would be enough to keep me going. I know I was only saying this to protect her but I said it so often I actually started to believe it myself. I have never been so wrong in my life.
I know in time I will gain comfort from being with her at the end. Although I there are some aspects of her care that I have reservations about I am trying not to dwell on these. the care she received in her final weeks was amazing. Both at a local hospice and at home supported by community nursing and Marie Curie. She was never in pain and they did everything possible to make her comfortable.
I will pray for you all tonight.
God Bless you and thank you.

Jan 02, 2013
My Story
by: Anonymous

J - sorry for the loss of your much loved wife.
It's been 18 months since I lost my partner suddenly to cancer. I can only describe what I personally have been through and am still going through. It seems it's different for everyone. But what is the same is the pain we all experience when we lose our most cherished love, our soul mates.
The first 6 months was a living nightmare, every moment of it. Then I seemed to have had a bit of a break from the intense feeling of wanting to be dead. Although I never planned suicide I didn't want to be alive and going through such agonizing pain and torture. I couldn't believe I was still alive while enduring such pain. But everyday I still woke up and still had to keep going.
I went back to work only 10 days after the funeral, even though my boss's suggested I take a little more time I just couldn't sit at home and stay still. TV on, TV off, walking around the house in and out of every room, around the yard, in the garage, on the computer, off the computer, in a total free fall from life it felt. Nothing to grab hold of. Crying out oceans of tears for days on end until I got an infected tear duct. I kept my windows and curtains closed and stopped answering the phone. I wanted to be dead. I lost 8 kilo's and hardly ate.
Then I had a break, 4 days no tears! Wow! I thought thank god I'm improving. But bang again, like a baseball bat in the face and a knife piercing my heart. It was back! This feeling of feeling a little better then falling back into intense grief continued on and off, I was always waiting for it to return. Still do. Still does.
But for me almost on the 12 month mark things stayed improved for weeks at a time. What a relief. I no longer wish I was dead all the time.
Now 18 months on and I'm doing OK, it's just bearable.
I still haven't removed my partners clothes from the wardrobe or changed anyting much around the house. Mostly everything is still as he left it.
Life has changed so much emotionally no one could even begin to understand unless they were in our shoes.
My partner and his death are slowly moving from the front and centre of my mind and I'm starting to look at where I go from here. It's so incredibly lonely, but I'm making a concious effort to not dwell on it and to stay busy.
This last 18 months has gone so fast sometimes I have trouble even remembering what month it is and my memory of the last 18 months is muchly a blur.
I wish I could dream like you do of my partner but that still has never happened.
Anyway J, remember your not alone in your greif, all of us here a going through very similar things. It's painful, unrelenting, lonely. But for me it's getting a little easier 18 months along.
I hope my story helps you a little, as I know others stories here have helped me in the past. Good luck, your not alone.

Jan 02, 2013
So sorry J
by: Katy

Dear J,

I lost my husband in October, Christmas was just awful for me as well, and though I was with my two daughters and son in law, I felt so miserable,
inside, and had to try and hide my grief.
He went to work one day in ealy october, and didn't come home, I hurt with so much pain, everyday! We were married 43 years,and still very much In Love!we did everything together! we got married one week after my 20th birthday, I miss him terribly,I knew him since high school.
I too hear the same things that people have said to you, it takes time,time will heal, things will get better, he's not coming back,This will be a good new year, new start for you,
I cannot sleep, I see in my head constantly the way I was told he died.
He colasped on a sidewalk in town had just got off work.
I was waiting for him to come home from work, and instead the sheriffs deputies came to my home and told he had died, I hurt so bad,my life has totally changed, I ask God for help and guiadance, daily,
So, Take care, I just pray everyday, that I will find peace, and I too have his pictures and clothes, and other items, all around the house, my dog waits at the front door for him to come home it is so sad I cry eveyday...
God help us, it's been almost 12 weeks since he's been gone and I still hurt like hell.

Jan 02, 2013
Your Grief, Your Way
by: Judith in California

J, I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful wife. It is so early in the greiving process for you and you must grieve. It's one hell of a emotional roller coaster ride. Please don't hide or suppress your true feelings around anyone. They need to see what real life is. Greiving is a part of that and if they don't like it then they can go elsewhere. You're entitltled to grieve the way you need. Not One person can tell you differently. And yes, the comments that come form these well meaning people annoy the hell out of us and you have the right to tell them that they don't know what the hell they are talking about.
It''s been 2 yrs for me. We had 35 1/2 years. I still greive but not as much but I accept that I will forever miss him. It's part of our new normal. There is no road I can travel that doesn't bring memories of him. I just told someone who was trying to fix me up that I know she meant well but until she looses her husband she will never understand how rude it is for her to do that. I'll get there in my own time and 2 yrs is too soon. You don't get over 35 1/2 years lke that. SHE seemed offended and I don't care . And when someone says " He loved you and would want you to move on " well all I say is "my husband was a jealous man and would not want me in the arms of anyone else".

You have to move forward in your own pace, period.

God Bless you and help you through to the accepting and peaceful side of this horrible roller caster ride of grief.

Jan 02, 2013
I lost my wife
by: Doreen U.K.

J I am sorry for your loss of a very young wife. I echo everything you said. Don't worry about the stages of grief. If you are crying a lot this is GOOD. It means you are grieving. If you feel stuck in Grief like I am then GO!! See a CRUSE bereavement counsellor. It is a very responsible and mature thing to do. IT WORKS. You will cope better. IGNORE all the comments from people who don't know what else to say. You go back to work when you are ready. Give yourself permission to experience and feel what you need to feel at that moment. I FEEL the way you do. I DO the same things you do. e.g. WATCH TV. all the time. This is my pleasurable ESCAPE. Nothing wrong with it. One day it will change. Do what you want when you want.
My husband of 44yrs. died 8 months ago of MESOTHELIOMA. a rare and serious inoperable, incurable, aggressive cancer caused by working with Asbestos. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and had to watch him die slowly and in pain. I had to fight the authorities for better care for him. The macmillan nurse says Steve I will see you in 2 weeks which became 2 months. I was about to write to my MP. but then the community nurses got her to come in. The Oncologist saw patients with Shingles. Steve got shingles in the eye a dangerous place to have this he could of gone blind. The oncologist just laughed it off. Times I was screaming down the phone to get Steve an injection for the pain he was in. The nurse came out 3hours later when she finished clinic. They couldn't give Steve medication in the syringe driver due to the cost. If the GP could fund this then Steve would get it. This is what it is like in England. I think in Scotland it may be better? It all boils down to FUNDING. My story is similar to yours. All the little things you notice affects your grief. A certain pleading look that says "I DON'T WANT TO DIE." "I wonder what it feels like to die." I have flashbacks about all these things. Steve falling down in the garden. Lying on the cold ground for 45minutes before the ambulance came. He then developed pneumonia. Chemo gave Steve blood clots. He had to have daily injections for 3 months. I think it is normal but it slows down the process for us moving forward better. Which is why often grief counselling helps. I have done counselling years ago which is why I can handle some things better. I KNOW IT WORKS. But if I get stuck in Grief I may have to go back for some sessions to help me move forward. You will have to process what works for you. I have just given you some options to work with. How do we go on in life? How do we cope with the LONLINESS?

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!