I lost the beautiful, unrealised "us" that we were dreaming of
Chris and I have been friends for the last 13 years. He was actually my ex husband’s best friend. After the break up of my marriage, the first man that I thought of was Chris. I had no way of contacting him and in any case I was still grieving over my failed marriage. Days turned into months and months into years. Chris got in touch with me and we would skype socially, simply keeping in touch. He was involved with another woman then. His relationship was not going well. I remember how my heart would leap every time he would say that he was really looking for someone to settle. Secretly I would wish that we would settle together.
Chris is a gentle man. He is caring and loving. He is 18 years older than me and a very handsome man. I flew over to his country to visit for a five day retreat as I was trying to recover from a very stressed time of my life. The most amazing thing happened during those five days; we experienced intimacy beyond our wildest hopes. We were not romantic with each other and we never touched each other. It was our souls that drew so close to each other. We kept on commenting on how surprised we were at our experience…
From that point on, and since his relationship with the other lady had finished before I even visited him, we started skyping more often. He kept on taking the lead on making our calls more frequent and more intimate. He would often comment on how I impacted him and how much I meant to him. Finally, one day he asked me to reveal to him my feelings for him. It was a gradual revelation on my side and one that I cherished. Who wouldn’t? Isn’t it one of the greatest gifts of life to reveal your feelings to your loved one?
We would spend hours on skype, experiencing more and more intimacy. We were kindred spirits. One discussion would lead to another and we would just see how we resonated with each other. We could both tell that we were meant to spend our lives together.
I loved receiving his romantic mails. I loved the way he cherished me with his eyes. We were both longing to see each other face to face, to hug, to kiss… to realize our love. We were dreaming of romantic rides with his bike along the beach, of holding each other’s hand for the first time, of just hugging each other oblivious to the time and space around us…
I was in love. I was a woman in love. I was blossoming like a rose in summer time. I was his and I longed for his love.
Then Chris moved. It was a complicated move that exhausted him emotionally and physically. That, together with the fact that he was battling with a prolonged period of unemployment finally took a blow on him. I could tell he withdrew emotionally during his move, but I put it down to his tiredness. When we finally skyped again, he was a very, very different person.
Gone was that gentle, caring face that would look at me and shine. Gone was the man that was in love with me. On the screen I saw the face of a man that was wallowed in darkness, a man detached from me, a man that I couldn’t really recognize. That was not my Chris.
He told me that he needed to be alone. That he needed to blow by the wind for a while. That he couldn’t be romantic with me and that he didn’t know whether it was temporary or permanent. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe my ears. All these happened exactly 14 days prior to my scheduled visit to see him (for the first time in our new romantic context).
We used to dream of what would happen when we would see each other for the first time as lovers. How we would hug…
Life. So unexpected. The day of my flight came and passed. 26th of April. On my calendar I had written on it the name of his country, full of expectation of the future that might have been awaiting us.
I grieved and grieved that day. The time that my flight was scheduled to land, I was at my daughter’s school picking her up. I shrugged my shoulders at the mystery of life, I hugged my daughter and I went back home with her to watch a film.
We never spoke again after that last skype. I sent him two e mails communicating my romantic feelings to him. I realized though at some point that I wasn’t being honest with him, because I wasn’t communicating my other feelings to him. So I wrote him a short and simple mail communicating my anger, shock and bewilderment.
To my heart’s despair, Chris never replied. It’s been a month now and he still hasn’t answered. Oh, the loss… I lost him, him, him; the unique, precious, loved, cherished person that he is. I lost him, him, him. I lost us and a future together. I lost the chance to kiss his lips. I lost his embrace, the feel of his skin, his smell. I can feel the sting of loss as I write.
I lost all of these and what hurts is that it is irreversible. I feel powerless over it and I truly am. People are free to stay or leave. We can’t force them. Christ chose to leave. I miss him.
A poem for him:
Unbearable, wrenching my soul.
It is there almost every day.
Having been acquainted with loss and despair from a very young age,
I feel that I know not any other way of life.
But then he came along
With his gentleness and his embrace.
My soul softened and I thought:
“There is light in the darkness,
There is life after death”.
I opened up my arms to his call,
I embraced him,
I tasted the sweetness of his words,
I was happy….
And then, in the same surprising way his romance covered me,
He removed his romance from me; just like that, surprisingly.
He said he needed to be alone.
I lost him…
I lost the sun and the stars.
I lost my love.
I lost my only comfort
And I lost us.
Where has ‘us” gone?
It is nowhere to be found
And I am left mourning.