I Lost the Love of My Life, Best Friend and Soul Mate
(New Windsor NY)
I lost my husband of 36 years on November 5 2012. We were high school sweethearts, got married, have 3 beautiful children and 2 granddaughters, one born 2 weeks after his death. He tried to hold on. As his caregiver with Hospice help, he wanted to die at home. No more doctors, cold hospital beds and loneliness, when I would have to leave him, but stayed with him most of the time. He had mesothelioma, an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. He spent 22 years in the Army in a Chemical Unit, so they say in is probably service related. Doesn't matter, he knew it was terminal, as I did, but we did our best to carry on and acted as if it wasn't there. We did not want to speak of death. The only thing he would say is that he was worried about me after he went, and I would blow it off, saying "don't worry about me, I'll be fine", when I wanted to say I will be lost without him. Well, I am.
I feel as if I have lost half of me and my life, and I don't have a plan yet. I retired from my job to take care of him and now I am so lonely. I thought I was stronger than this. I have gone to grief counseling, yoga, out with friends and family, but the pain is always there. When I go out, I can't wait to come home so I can cry. I wish we had spoke of his dying more detailed. I wish I knew if he was scared, I wish I knew if he was okay. I keep asking him to send me signs that he is at peace, he believed in that. People say that in time it will get better, right now, I can't see that yet. What keeps me going is knowing he is out of his pain that he lived with for 3 years and he got to live 59 years. After the young children in the school were tragically cut down so young, I had to come to terms that we did have a good life, traveled through Europe while in the military, and did more than most people have done. And I thank God that I did have the love of my life, some people don't find that either. God Bless all of us who are grieving, I never knew it would be so devastating.
Kathy from New York