I Lost the Love of My Life, Best Friend and Soul Mate

by Kathy
(New Windsor NY)

I lost my husband of 36 years on November 5 2012. We were high school sweethearts, got married, have 3 beautiful children and 2 granddaughters, one born 2 weeks after his death. He tried to hold on. As his caregiver with Hospice help, he wanted to die at home. No more doctors, cold hospital beds and loneliness, when I would have to leave him, but stayed with him most of the time. He had mesothelioma, an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. He spent 22 years in the Army in a Chemical Unit, so they say in is probably service related. Doesn't matter, he knew it was terminal, as I did, but we did our best to carry on and acted as if it wasn't there. We did not want to speak of death. The only thing he would say is that he was worried about me after he went, and I would blow it off, saying "don't worry about me, I'll be fine", when I wanted to say I will be lost without him. Well, I am.

I feel as if I have lost half of me and my life, and I don't have a plan yet. I retired from my job to take care of him and now I am so lonely. I thought I was stronger than this. I have gone to grief counseling, yoga, out with friends and family, but the pain is always there. When I go out, I can't wait to come home so I can cry. I wish we had spoke of his dying more detailed. I wish I knew if he was scared, I wish I knew if he was okay. I keep asking him to send me signs that he is at peace, he believed in that. People say that in time it will get better, right now, I can't see that yet. What keeps me going is knowing he is out of his pain that he lived with for 3 years and he got to live 59 years. After the young children in the school were tragically cut down so young, I had to come to terms that we did have a good life, traveled through Europe while in the military, and did more than most people have done. And I thank God that I did have the love of my life, some people don't find that either. God Bless all of us who are grieving, I never knew it would be so devastating.

Kathy from New York

Comments for I Lost the Love of My Life, Best Friend and Soul Mate

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Mar 10, 2013
Yes, it is awful.
by: David

Hi Kathy,

Yes, yes it is very awful. All of it, everything.

I too was my Wife's caregiver and it sounds like we have had quite similar experiences with this. I am now seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks to help me work through all the traumatic things that happened during this horrible time.

I think it's helping me. Please don't be afraid to get professional help if you think it might help you too. It doesn't mean you are crazy or weak, it just means you need a little help to deal with something very serious.

Best Wishes
Keep on Walking.

Mar 04, 2013
So sorry
by: Kathy

I know how you feel, I am lost, and lonely. I talk to myself and walk in cirles, some days are good. I just wish I knew where he was and if ok. At least I know he is out of pain. He had mesothelioma and it was painful to watch and I was his caregiver. Since I took care of him there was no time to stop and think that he would die. It hit me later and I thought I was a strong person, but my life has turned upside down. They say in time it gets better, I hope so. At least I get out of bed and get dressed. I vowed to go at least one place a day. I will think of you, it really is awful, right? You are in my prayers. Hanh=g in there and keep in touch if you are having a bad time.

Mar 04, 2013
Sorry for your loss.
by: David

I am very sorry to hear of your loss Kathy.

I lost my wife and best friend of 23 years on the same day that you lost your husband.

I can totally relate to your feelings of being alone and lost. I don't have any advice for you, all I can say is you are not alone.


Feb 23, 2013
so sorry
by: Anonymous

I think we are all believing that grief lasts for X amount of time. Grief is it's own animal and i dont pretend to understand it or even like it. I am grieving, too, and sometimes i feel tired of it, and yet...it is ever present.

i DO believe that the harder i try to be rid of it, the harder it is to stop. I believe that grife is giving us something that we need. And it is just not going to help if we think we ought to stop.

so grieve with all you have when the wave hits you. Don't feel bad. When it ends someday ( and it will) we will be cleansed.


Feb 23, 2013
Your soulmate
by: Kate

I am so sorry for your loss of your love. I was married 23 years to my soulmate,love,friend,protector ,father to my children,so much he was that half of me went too. It took me years to put my shattered pieces back together. That was 19 years ago. I recently lost our oldest son who was 39. Devastating losses. I have had so many I wonder how I'm here. Mother,father sister,son,nephew on and on. I don't know any way but that God brings us through. Because on my own I am too weak. I
Feel for you and for all others on here.i am in a new grief journey with my son just 3 months ago. We are stronger than we think. It is a rough journey and some days we do better than others.remember you are not alone in this walk and on here you have much understanding that is heartfelt.

Feb 22, 2013
I totally understand
by: Connie

You weren't wrong in not wanting to discuss your husbands passing while he was alive - he would have felt depressed even more. I believe you did that right thing in trying to keep his spirits up. I'm sure that he was happy to be at home with his dear wife, and familiar surroundings.

I have often felt guilty not having these same conversations with my father, prior to his passing - but you know what (as I'm sure you can say) we loved them to the very end - and they knew it.

Going out with family/friends didn't work for me, either, & I couldn't wait to get back home, get down on my knees & have a good old "boo hoo" moment - if you need to cry then cry -You will need to do what gets you through & don't ever listen to others who want to rush you through your grief & speed up the process (if they were in the same situation - I'm sure they'd be the same.

Kathy, my friend, I am praying that God will give you the stregnth to see you through

God Bless.

Feb 22, 2013
Lost the love of my life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

This is an awesome web site. Everyone on here relates to each other. We all truly understand what you are going through.
I lost, my husband, lover, and best feiend on June 27,2011; the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. I also feel apart of me died the day he died. Our life is forever changed. We do go on, but nothing is the same. I was with him since the age of 15; married him at 18, and became a widow at 64. He had a massive heart attack, sitting on the side of our bed.
We can never prepare ourselves for the death of our husbands. The grief is awful. People say things get easier and better. For me acceptance, is a better word for it.
It will be 21 months that he is gone and I still shed tears. It's not the God awful breaking apart, but the tears are always just around the corner for me. How can they not be when we lost big part of ourselves.
My husband has visited me. It is still quite unbelieveable to feel his presence and his arms around me. A couple of weeks ago, I was ill, lying in bed talking to him, feeling sorry for myself, because he wasn't here for me. All of a sudden I felt his arms around me. I opened my eyes and his face was on the pillow next to me looking at me. I cried and told him thank you. I still get tears thinking about it. This wasn't the first time I felt his arms around me. He has visited me and told me he loves me, but we have to be apart for awhile. Some of our adult children have had similar experiences. One of my grandaughters told me, the first weeks after he died, he visited her every night. The last visit she asked him if he could stay longer, but she told me he told her, he had others to visit. It's truly incredible. The body died, but the spirit lives on. I truly believe that.
Both my parents are gone, but I never experienced anything like this with their deaths.
I truly believe there is another life after death. My husband did also. The birth of a child is so amazing, how can there not be something else.
I joined a grief support group and have developed a friendship with other widows. We do things together. It helps, but as I said earlier, my life is changed. I don't really enjoy life right now. We do things, but in the back of our, we sure would rather just be home with our husbands. Life does go on; even though we feel the world stopped for us.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep posting, writing helps. I have a journal and I write in it. Sometimes, I still cry writing in it, but I express my thoughts and feelings to God and my husband. Writing does help. When I was first given the journal in the support group, I thought I would never write in it. I don't write in it as often, but it is there
ONE DAY AT A TIME! I used to say,"I am faking it, until I make it. It is not the life we expected to be living, but this is our life and we cherish our memories and do go on.
God bless you! We do have amazing strength.

Feb 22, 2013
I Lost the love of my life, best firend and soul mate
by: Doreen U.K.

Kathy I am sorry for your loss of husband to MESOTHELIOMA. I lost my husband Steve of 44yrs. marriage to MESOTHELIOMA 10 months ago. Steve was diagnosed on 28th March 29th 2009 with a rare and serious, inoperable, incurable, aggressive lung cancer caused by working with Asbestos in England. We emigrated to Canada over 30yrs. ago but came back within a year. Thank God we did. I didn't know what was happening. I was Steve's caregiver for over 3yrs.39days when he died on 5th May 2012. The day of the diagnosis was the day I died inside. I couldn't believe it. My heart hurt all the time. Steve lost all quality of life from day 1. He was not given good care for lack of resources so he suffered a lot of pain. He was literally lying down the whole of the cancer illness. Steve developed a blood clot after the chemotherapy and had to have daily injections for over 3 months. Then he had a heart attack, and shingles in the eye and then pneumonia. It was an uphill and downhill struggle back and forth to the hospital. It hurt to watch Steve deteriorate into a shell of a man. He lost his strength. He stopped eating. I had to look into the face of a man who did not want to die. We couldn't talk of death but that is all they did in the hospice. All the time Steve thought he was getting better. He didn't think he would die. He was sad and angry a lot of the time which was not his character. Cancer changed him. I have been hoping to touch base with someone who was in some way connected to the same disease as Steve. Because the Grief is somewhat different from how this disease develops and affects one's life. If you want to share more of your grief you can contact me at doreenelkington@aol.com otherwise feel free to write again and share more.
You might want to get checked out also as apparently when a wife washed her husband's clothing if she shook them at all, any fibres could have been ingested by the wife and she could end up with mesothelioma. Many wives have died before their husband. This disease takes between 40-60yrs. to develop. Steve was spot on for 40yrs. I wished it could have been 60yrs. We were deprived of Steve's retirement. I know how you feel. this is a most devastating cancer. How the husband suffers is so unbearable to watch whilst we go through it with them. I hope you find strength and hope and comfort in your grief.

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