I lost the love of my life on August 5, 2014, he was supposed to come home!

by Maria

On march 4, 2014 my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer with maybe some lymph node involvement. For the next 4 months he endured the dreadful chemotherapy and radiation. To everyones surprise, my husband shrunk his cancer 75%. He was scheduled to have an esophagectomy on July 29, 2014. His surgery was a success. The tumor was removed, and there was NO lymph node involvement. He will be coming home in 9 to 10 days. First 5 days in the hospital were progressive, nurses were a nightmare however! Especially the night nurses. After the 5th day my husband started going backwards. No longer walking, rapid heart beats, shortness of breath. I must have walked around that hospital like a drill sergeant demanding someone listen to my husbands complaints! To me, it was as if they thought my husband was a big complainer! We have a 9 year old son, whom we adopted at birth. My husband fought everyday to get better for him, to go back home and continue his ball playing and endless time spent together, all of us as a family who couldn't ever be separated!! On August 5th, 2014 at 8:39 am my husband died! He was supposed to come home on the 6th!! What happened?? We still don't know! I watched the whole thing and will forever be traumatized! How do you make sense?? How do you go on?? How do you explain to our 9 year old son whose father said to him that Sunday, "see ya Wednesday son" that his father will never be home! It will get easier I'm told, time will heal I'm told, life will go on I'm told!!! Please, everyday that passes I feel more hurt, more pain! My air has been taken from my body, my heart has been ripped apart, my life is unrecognizable and I can't even look at our son anymore!!! It's all too painful!!! This doesn't come with an instruction book!! I lost my father, he was 50, my husband was there for me! I lost my husband, he just turned 50! It's all too much! I know, I know, stay strong you say, you have your son to take care of, wish it were that easy!! We did everything together! The world is unrecognizable! I am a robot going through the motions of life! I have a sting faith in God, I will pray everyday that I get strength to go on. This just SUCKS!! No other word for it! Our beautiful life is shattered to pieces! My heart is broken! I hope God takes me as soon as my son has a family of his own! Until then, I remain feeling less, heartless, emotionless and lifeless!

Comments for I lost the love of my life on August 5, 2014, he was supposed to come home!

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Sep 13, 2014
your loss
by: Susan

Hi, I am two years into my grief journey i can relate to your pain, "sometimes God places roadblocks our way that we do not want to deal with, but we need to stay strong and find a new path to continue the journey" nothing can change our situation "if only"I can only tell you after two years the pain becomes less severe the tears subside you stop running you can see more clear think clear.... but you never stop loving.....I pray you find the strength to carry on for you and your family,The hardest thing ever is to smile when you are totally broken, if it is any comfort to you, you do begin to smile again..... but it is a different person smiling. God Bless.

Sep 10, 2014
by: Anonymous

Hi. I lost my husband June 19th 2014 , it was unexpected he was 55, our children grown up we were looking forward to growing old together , now I'm a widow in my early fifties it's so unfair. I cry everyday , every waking minute I'm thinking about him and the day he passed, re living everything that happened , i have gone back to work and have changed a lot of my dayly routines , trying to keep myself busy. People say I'm so brave, but I'm a mess in side , I lost my brother 4 months previous and am still getting over that. But it's life and it comes to us all , just a bit to soon to some. It is still very early for all of us , hopefully time will ease our grief. Good luck to you xx

Sep 09, 2014
by: Lawrence

Hi Maria,
You have been through a catastrophic time and there are no words I know of to take the anguish and pain away.
You say “HOW DO WE GO ON” well Maria, we just do, we have to, there is no alternative, as you put it so bluntly “IT SUCKS”.
It is such early days for you and your grief must be overwhelming and watching your husband slowly die is an appalling nightmare, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you to cry and cry, your body and spirit need it to release some of the pain, its nature’s way.
I lost a very precious wife on Christmas Day 2012 and what should have been a lovely Christmas dinner turned out to be desperate medics trying to restart my wife’s heart with CPR and me in total shock, watching them thump her chest and shouting “STAY WITH US”. in our bedroom.
We dashed to the nearest hospital in an ambulance, me sitting with the driver and them frantically trying to restart her heart, only to be told very gently by a waiting consultant that if they did get it beating again she would be brain dead and I tearfully told them to stop the CPR, a decision that haunts me still, what if they were wrong.
I saw her take her last breath, closed her eyes thanked her for seventy years of bliss, and walked away from the first girl I ever kissed and loved and the last on her deathbed. .
It broke my heart then as it does writing now about it
So you can see everybody on this “DEATH OF A SPOUSE” web site has their own horror story to tell, of losing a beloved partner or family member and that’s why we write in and share the pain with other sufferers.
The fact that I am writing this comment to you will show I hope that the pain does ease as the months pass by.
The tears don’t fall so easily, but needless to say I don’t think I will ever stop crying and I know my broken heart will never heal.
I am a musician and still serenade her every night as I did when she was alive, hoping she can hear me.
I composed dozens of love song which I still can’t play without crying.
So you can see Maria. You have joined a web site of very unhappy people, so read all the comments and I hope it helps you as it did me when I was so bereft and couldn't face the future without her.
With my deepest sympathy

Sep 08, 2014
I lost the love of my life on August 5, 2014, he was supposed to come home!
by: Doreen UK

Maria I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death from his cancer that should have been in recovery.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. His cancer was in the lining of his lung and was caused by working with asbestos. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and then he died. It was such a horrendous cancer journey. Nothing quite prepares you for this loss.
You will feel dazed for quite some time. I could not function for 6 months. In that time I slowly nurtured myself back into life. Life will never be the same for any of us who has lost a spouse. You have spoken about what other's say about it getting better. You are in the early stages of Raw Grief and it will take a long time for you to feel any recovery from grief as the process of healing is so slow. Grief is a process, and the only way forward is through grief. Most of us lose our motivation to go on in life. I lost my motivation to do anything. Cancer is the one disease that is killing people faster. You may benefit from grief counselling if you find your grief unbearable, and stopping you from moving forward. The Hope is that life does improve. Grief doesn't last forever otherwise none of us would survive this grief. Hold on to this Hope.

Sep 07, 2014
So sorry for your loss
by: kim


I so sorry for your lost. I recently lost my husband on Aug 15, 2014 from Liver Disease. I can relate to how you feel. I am a total mess. The pain at times is so unbearable. I feel like I am in a fog. If you feel like talking please feel free to email me.

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