I lost the only person who ever understood me...

by Scott
(Nashville, TN)

On November 15, 2009, my partner of 5 years died suddenly at the age of 39 at 10pm. Earlier that day he’d said he didn’t feel well and went to lay down. I was watching TV on the couch when he came out a little later and asked me to come lay in bed with him while he went to sleep. I did.

In bed he looked at me and said “You know I love you with all my heart. I’d never do anything to hurt you”. This was in response to an argument we had earlier that day over him spending money and not telling me. I responded by telling him I loved him too. We held hands for the next few minutes and watched TV. He got up just before 10pm to get a drink from the kitchen. On the way back from the kitchen he went into the guest bedroom and fell down.

I went to check on him and he was rambling on and not making any sense. I closed the door and called 911. While on the phone the operator asked me to go check on him. When I opened the door he was laying there face down on the floor. Following the operator’s instructions I rolled him over and he let out his last breath. I began doing chest compressions and he just started turning blue. His eyes were barely open and glazed over. He wasn’t there. Fifteen minutes last the paramedics arrived. I’d been doing the compressions the entire time, but got no response. I watched him die on the floor, and could do nothing to save him. The paramedics could not revive him.

When I arrived at the hospital, the staff would not speak to me until I got his mother on the phone and she gave permission. As the words rolled off the doctors lips I felt my chest sink in. The only person I have ever loved was gone. My best friend… gone. The last image I had of him lying there, blue, on the floor of our apartment, will not leave me. They still haven’t released an official cause of death.

Three days went by before I could sleep at all. Every time I closed my eyes he was there… blue and lifeless. Every night since, I’ve looked at pictures before I go to bed to try and evoke positive memories... We had the most amazing life together. We didn’t have anything, but we always had each other.

Now I’m stuck in a city we were trying to leave, with no family and very few friends. I go home every night to that apartment, and try and pretend everything will be ok, but I don’t know how to be ok without him. I guess that’s normal, but there has yet to be an answer to that question. How will I be ok without the only person who understood me? The only one who loved me for all my quirks? I don’t think there is an answer I’m alright with at this time.