I lost the only person who ever understood me...

by Scott
(Nashville, TN)

On November 15, 2009, my partner of 5 years died suddenly at the age of 39 at 10pm. Earlier that day he’d said he didn’t feel well and went to lay down. I was watching TV on the couch when he came out a little later and asked me to come lay in bed with him while he went to sleep. I did.

In bed he looked at me and said “You know I love you with all my heart. I’d never do anything to hurt you”. This was in response to an argument we had earlier that day over him spending money and not telling me. I responded by telling him I loved him too. We held hands for the next few minutes and watched TV. He got up just before 10pm to get a drink from the kitchen. On the way back from the kitchen he went into the guest bedroom and fell down.

I went to check on him and he was rambling on and not making any sense. I closed the door and called 911. While on the phone the operator asked me to go check on him. When I opened the door he was laying there face down on the floor. Following the operator’s instructions I rolled him over and he let out his last breath. I began doing chest compressions and he just started turning blue. His eyes were barely open and glazed over. He wasn’t there. Fifteen minutes last the paramedics arrived. I’d been doing the compressions the entire time, but got no response. I watched him die on the floor, and could do nothing to save him. The paramedics could not revive him.

When I arrived at the hospital, the staff would not speak to me until I got his mother on the phone and she gave permission. As the words rolled off the doctors lips I felt my chest sink in. The only person I have ever loved was gone. My best friend… gone. The last image I had of him lying there, blue, on the floor of our apartment, will not leave me. They still haven’t released an official cause of death.

Three days went by before I could sleep at all. Every time I closed my eyes he was there… blue and lifeless. Every night since, I’ve looked at pictures before I go to bed to try and evoke positive memories... We had the most amazing life together. We didn’t have anything, but we always had each other.

Now I’m stuck in a city we were trying to leave, with no family and very few friends. I go home every night to that apartment, and try and pretend everything will be ok, but I don’t know how to be ok without him. I guess that’s normal, but there has yet to be an answer to that question. How will I be ok without the only person who understood me? The only one who loved me for all my quirks? I don’t think there is an answer I’m alright with at this time.

Comments for I lost the only person who ever understood me...

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Mar 13, 2010
So sorry for your loss of your dear one
by: Anonymous

Dear Scott,

I also lost my husband in a traumatic way. If it hadn't been for my little dog barking to wake me up in the middle of the night, as my husband was leaning on a piece of furniture, with a sorrowful look on his face which I can never forget, calling me, I would never have been able to see him go. I also tried to give him CPR in vain as he went. The medics came later and tried to revive him but they couldn't.

Then, I got laid off one month later. The cruelties of life can be so demeaning. I am now just trying to survive.

My husband was also my best friend and when we sometimes fought, I'd say to him "we only have each other so we shouldn't fight for too long." And, yes, I also live in the same place where he left me. It's not easy but somehow we must go on. May we all find peace in ourselves soon. I am spiritual and I pray to God often.
Love, Kate

Jan 27, 2010
Thank you
by: Scott

I wanted to thank those of you for posting to my story. I wish I could say it's getting easier, but of course it's not. I've thrown myself into my work, but every night when I open the door to my apartment I'm reminded of being alone for the first time in my life. I haven't lost faith in G-d, and I haven't turned my back on life. I know in my heart G-d is ever-changing, and something that none of us will ever understand. I've decided that life is too short to continue to sit and watch it go by. I need to live, like my partner did, every day. I need to smile, and hug those I care about. I need to stop being afraid of being alone and being myself. I've decided these things, but the hard part is the follow-through. I wish you all the best in life, and if there is something after this I hope it is filled with the kindness that you have shown me here. If I'm lucky, I won't know what's after this life for a long while. Thank you.

Dec 15, 2009
TO SCOTT IN NASHVILLE
by: ANN

DEAR SCOTT,

I'M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH TWO TRAUMATIZING
EVENTS. FIRST, LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND WATCHING THEM GO LEAVES YOU BROKENHEARTED AND HELPLESS. YOU DID ALL YOU COULD TO SAVE HIM. BUT WHEN GOD CALLS, WE MUST GO.

SECONDLY, SUDDENLY, BEING ALONE, AND TRYING TO DEAL WITH LIFE WITHOUT THAT PERSON. THE RANGE OF EMOTIONS YOU GO THROUGH ARE MANY. SADNESS, GUILT, WONDERING IF YOU COULD HAVE DONE MORE, AND THAT GRIEF THAT CHOKES THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.

YOUR LIFE AS YOU KNEW IT IS NO LONGER THERE. YOU HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER PATH, ANOTHER WAY OF LIVING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, AND IT'S NOT EASY FOR ANYONE. A LOSS IS A LOSS. WHETHER IT BE FRIEND, FAMILY, JOB, COMPANION, OR ANYTHING THAT WE ARE USED TO BEING A PART OF, LOSING THAT REARRANGES YOUR LIFE.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT WITH FAITH AND TIME.
IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO TALK WITH, VISIT THIS WEB SITE AND TALK. WE LISTEN. WE CARE. WE'VE ALL LOST SOMEONE OR SOMETHING THAT WE'RE GRIEVING OVER, AND WE UNDERSTAND. GRIEVE, CRY, OR WHATEVER YOU FEEL HELPS YOU. REMEMBER YOUR MATE FONDLY AND WHEN YOU START TO HEAL, WHICH WILL TAKE TIME, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU THAT GOD WILL MEET YOUR URGENT NEEDS
FOR PEACE AND COMFORT. BLESS YOU.

Dec 15, 2009
i lost the only person who ever understood me.
by: jayne

May i ask when this happened? I am wondering if he may have had an aneurysm. or something that burst.

I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you to still be in the same apt. with all his belongings. I saved some of my dads things (shirts, etc) and sleep with them I have them in a bag to preserve the smell.

My dad was my best friend too. He was so funny, and I can't imagine the holidays without him. He used to hit me on the head with every present, boy, did it make me mad. Now I find myself crying because he used to do that.

I used to read the scriptures to my dad every Tuesday afternoon; I actually loved doing that with him because he missed church and I would have read till the last day on earth to make him happy. The Tuesday he died I said to him (he was home on hospice, paralyzed from many strokes, and heart attacks) are you ready for some scriptures? and he shook his head no. I had noticed when I walked in, the house smelled funny. A weird smell that I will never forget. I realize now that it was the smell of death.

What you and I have in common is the loss of a dearly loved person and seeing it happen. I don't know how you get over it. Some people say time heals, and I feel like slapping them. I am going through an anger thing. It's like I am not ready to cope with it.

I have been to his grave and it was raining and muddy (no grass because he was just buried). I threw myself on the grave and let it out. It didn't help.

I hate when you wake up and all of a sudden you remember your loved one is gone. Then you realize, they're never coming back.

We have so much in common; losing a loved one, and seeing them pass. That is a very profound thing to bring two people together.

I am so happy for this website because people really do respond to you.

My parents were married for 65 years and my mom is a mess.

Don't you wish Christmas would just go away? I do, it will never be the same. My fiance lost his mother new years day 1995 and his father on christmas day 1993. Imagine that. He hates the holidays and he cries every holiday. Now him and I have this horrible link we share.

Do you believe in God? I'm not so sure if I do or not. I mean, why do horrible things happen to people like us?

I am happy for one thing though, that your boyfriend told you how much he loved you and that you had made up that night. That is a blessing of sorts I suppose. It still doesn't heal the wound.

Please feel free to post to me anytime you like.
I am getting a feeling for other people besides me who are hurting too. I am beginning to see that I am not the only one who has lost their love, I am not the only one mad at God (if there is one), I am not the only one going through this pain. There are others, you are proof of that, and many others are proof of that also.

How do we go on?

Thank you so much for sharing your story, it truly is a sad, sad story. I wish I knew you and we could just have a dinner and talk in person.

Love you, Jayne

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