i love you mama

by stacy vitella
( pompano beach fla- )


it seems all in gods divine- order- or he had sent red flags- and - and also some breadcrumbs- now- to be restored, and- for comfort
I DIDNT SAY GOODBYE- I NEED- MY MAMA-
WILL GOD SEND MESSAGES- ITS SO FINAL, EXCEPT- I CAN KEEP THE SHRINE NOW- AND TRY TO PRETEND SHE 'S SITTING IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO ME- OR I LISTENTO HER CD'SS- AND- BECOME- CLOSE BY LIVING OUT HER LIFE THE BEST I CAN AS SHE WOULD BE DOING...I AM IN SHOCK
MY LIFE IS ALTERED FOREVER- HER NOT RELIGIOUS- HAUNTS ME- AND- FOGS- MY- FAITHFUL NATURE- AND INDIRECTLY- INSULTS- TAINTS HER MEMORY FOR ME. THEN I PLAY THE ANSWERING MACHINE OVER AND OVER
THAT I RECORDED- AND THE MEMORIAL AND - THE DESPERATE- CALLS -FROM MY BROTHER ON THE MACHINE- SINGING- AT FIRST- AND THEN MORE ANXIOUSLY- PLEADING-- WHERE ARE YOU MOM?
MOM IS DEAD IN THE BED
AS HE FINALLY- GOES- AND SHES THERE- EYES PART OPEN- FALLEN BACK ON THE BED- GLASS OF WATER ON THE - FLOOR.
DONT THINK IT WOULD OF MATTERED IF SHE WAS ON THE SIDE OF THE BED- WHERE THE PHONE WAS.
MOTHER HE FINES- 30 HOURS- AT LEAST- DAY AND A HALF ALONE WITH - BOO- BOO BY HER SIDE- HANDICAP- 3 POUND- POM-CHI- DARLING BLACK LONG HAIR- JUST LISTENING TO THE ANSERING MACHINE- AND KNOWING.
I DRIVE FRANTICLY - HESTERICLY- 45 MINS AWAY- PRAYING- GOD
DONT LET THEM TAKE- HER AWAY- MAMA - I LOVE- YOU.
HAVEN'T SEEN HER- SINCE- MARCH 11 , 2011- 14 MONTHS AFTER A QUERREL.. HAD MOVED- ALREADY BEN GREIVING A YEAR.
DEEP IN MY HEART- KNOWING THAT DAY WAS SOMEHOW THE LAST.
ARIVEING- I AN SO HAPPY JUST TO BE BACK- IN THE FAMILAR-
HOLDING THE COLD HAND- AND- AND- TELLING ALL THE THINGS- I WANTED ALL YEAR- AND ALL THE THINGS- BEFORE THE FIGHT-
HER HAND STIIFFENS- IS IT A BREADCRUMB? I- SO HUNGRY FORR HER-- STARVED- AM SO GRATEFUL AT LEAST- WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
AND- THE SEPERATION- FRICTION-STUPID- SPIFF
- THE ONLY WAY -IN GOD WISDOM- I WOULD OF MOVED UP TO HELP DAUGHTER 20 W, HER LITTLE BABY.
LONGEST- PHONECALL IN 14 MONTHS- WAS -ONE MINUTE AND- 23 SEC-
I KNOW BECAUSE- I SEE CELL PHONE AS WE DISCONECT- AND I FEEL A
SMALL TWINGE OF HOPE- A GLIMMER OF LIGHT- I TELL EVERYONE
AND SEE LOVED MY VALENTINE CARD- SHE TELLS DAUGHTER- SO HUNGRY- SO THIRSTY---
SO DEVESTATED----

I LAY IN BED SOBBING AND HOLDING HER- - I CUT THE PIECE OF HAIR
ANOTHER BREADCRUMB? IF ONLY- IF ONLLLLLLY- I TRIED HARDER- I KNEW- THE FAMILY PUSED HER HARDER TO FORGIVE- MY FOOLISH REMARKS--- AGAIN
THE ONLY WAY NOW- FORCED ALEINATION ON US-
I AM NOT- IN MOURNING HELL. INSTITUTED- BALLED UP
ITS COMING- I AN IN SHOCK
ONE MORE TIME MA- CAN I RUB YOUR BACK?
ONE MORE TIME MOM CAN YOU MAKE- ME- MACCARONI AND MILK
I CANNOT PRETEND THIS
ONLY REMEMBER.
AND MOTHERS DAY- SHE READS TWO BOOKS TO HER 18 MONTH OLD GRANDAUGHTER,
I AM HAPPY I WAS NOT THERE THEN
MY DAUGHTER HAS THAT SPECIAL LAST TIME- TOGETHER WITH HER GRANDMOTHER. THANK YOU GOD
BUT ME- NOW- I DIG FOR SOME- CARD - LEFT - IN THE HOME- SOME RECENT- SENTEIMENTS-
SHE DID PRAISE ME- AND MENTIONED MY CALLS TO THE ANSERING MACHINE- TO BOO-BO
AS I KNOW SHE WILL HER THEM TOO.
BOO- BOO WITH ME NOW
we Can take- care of each other,,,smell her clothes-
make her spagetti- and i wait at 50 to die to hold a "warm"
body,,,...i am dead now- truely i go thru the motions- as if it happen to someone elses mom
this isnt real- denial- the first stage? - cant bagain with god this time- anger will soon probally come- stronger- boiling nooooow- and- reality rears ots ugly head-
yea- lucky to have her 50 years---but i give it all back- for one minute
dammn--------------damn-- im not that strong ma- i know- you have
such confidence IN me
please can - i get- a dream- somthing- more- substantial?
a sign- i will keep bothering god- so he reaches her -
FOREVER MOM...for now i have the big breadcrumb...
"HI- THIS IS DIANE- I'M OUT THE MACHINES IN...LEAVE A MESSAGE!"----
--I WILL----
--I LOVE YOU ALWAYS- DEEPLY-
AFFECTIONATELY- YOUR LITTLE GIRL- I MISS YOU- IV'ED MISSED YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH-i'll take care of your great grandbaby - in the way you would- promise
REST IN PEACE MOTHER

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