by Roselle

Click on each photo to enlarge.

My name is ROSELLE, 28. My husband JHAY-AR, 29, died of Acute Myelogenous Leukemia 7 months back. He died August 21 while my birthday is the 22nd. I can say that I didn't loss just my husband, the father of my kid, the love of my life, but also,I loss my own self. Just want to share this blog I've read months ago. I know a lot you can relate to it.


Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. Because I can look the part doesn't mean I feel the part, or if I laugh I am happy I remember how to make the sounds, it doesn't mean I feel them.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. Maybe never will. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a dvd over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a shopping or a film or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable. You can be the loneliest person in a crowded room.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

Comments for I LOVE YOU MORE!

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Mar 28, 2012
Thank you!
by: Roselle

Thank you so much for the comments. Gave me a sense of relief. It feels like life w0nt be the same again. But i have to fight and m0ve 0n for our daughter. We had a very simple life back then. Im a full time housewife that i really loved. My world turned upside down and n0w i d0nt kn0w how to get my feet back. Im back to scratch and got n0 idea of how to start anew. May God shower us all the blessings we need to surpass this. Its really tough. And n0 0ne c0uld ever understand how we feel rather than our own selves.

Mar 26, 2012
I Love You More
by: Pat J.

Dear Roselle,
Those words oh so describe how we feel after losing a loved one.
I lost my husband, June 27,2011, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. We were married on June 26, 1965. He was my high school sweetheart and the love of my life.
I also feel a part of me died with him. I know, I am no longer the person I was when we were married. I may look the same, but I AM NOT THE SAME. Our 5 adult children, keep telling me they want me happy again. They don't have a clue to as how I am feeling. They lost their dad, but I lost a part of my identity.
I was with my husband from the age of 15 and married him at 18, right after graduation. I went from the security of my parents to the security of marriage to my husband. I am now learning to live for me. We has now become just me.
This is not an easy journey and we are all stronger than we ever realized. My husband, his name was Leonard, nickname Red. He had this gorgeous Strawberry Blonde hair, and carried this nickname throughout his life. Red always told me I was strong and I am finding out just how strong I really am.
The tears are going to always be with me. I know in my heart I will never love again. I have memories to cherish and no one can take them away. Cherish your memories. They are yours to own.
God Bless You and Keep You. He carries us when we can't make it on our own. My faith is helping me deal with Red's death and one day I will be with him again.
I say, I am "Faking it until I can make it". One day I will make it, and won't have to fake it. Until then "One day at a time".

Mar 26, 2012
by: Barbara

This is written in such an excellent way. My son, Bryan, died six weeks ago and was only 36. He died suddenly and without warning, leaving a wife who is pregnant with their first child. My grief is so deep, but oh the suffering his wife is experiencing. You expressed it to well. God bless you.

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