I love you Nanny
My nanny was quite possibly one of the strongest, most inspirational people I have ever met and probably ever will meet in my life, which is why I'm so utterly sad that she's passed.
I have so many good memories of her and my grandad (who passed 5 years ago, age 80) but these memories at present don't help the sadness and make me cry even more. And I feel guilty for crying and feeling so upset because I'm sure my mum is in so much more pain than me, even though she is also strong and doesn't show it so much.
It all just happened so quickly, and I went to see her when I could whilst she was in hospital for around three weeks, I told her every day I saw her 'I love you nanny' and she always responded 'I love you too Samantha' and I told her to hurry up and get better, she assured me she was, but I suppose she couldn't fight the pain and illness she had anymore. That made me angry because she lied to me to stop me from hurting, which ultimately hurt me even more. I'm angry with her GP and her district nurse as they were less than helpful when she was on this earth. My poor, lovely mum found her own mother slumped in her armchair, lifeless (almost) because the district nurse and GP had failed to do their job properly. I'm probably feeling this way because it's part of the five steps of grief.
Me and my mum went to see my nan in her coffin when she'd passed, and it was horrible. She looked so angry, and it wasn't really her, it was just her shell. She'd already gone. I touched her hand and asked her to wake up, but she didn't (obviously). I must've washed my hand a million times since, and I can still feel the coldness of her hand on my skin. Before I walked out, I told her one last time I love her but she didn't say it back, and whilst I'm typing this I'm crying so hard.
I read a poem at her funeral, and just about got through it, she would've been so proud. All of her friends from her church and village (she was well known in the village and a devout Christian) told me how she always spoke of me and my son and how proud she was of us, and when we were clearing her house out, I found a Christmas card I wrote to her from me and my son.. She'd kept it on her coffee table right next to her favourite armchair she always used to sit at so it was always close to hand. I can't even describe how much this meant to me. Her house is all cleared out now, and my mum gave me some scrap books my nan had made, and inside all the scrapbooks are Christmas, mothers day, birthday cards we sent her when we were small. She kept EVERY SINGLE ONE. She wasn't so strong after all... She was actually rather sentimental, but never showed it, which does make me giggle a little bit. But it doesn't make the hole fill up that's in my heart nor the constant painful lump in my throat go away. I really, really wish more than anything she was still here. Is it normal to feel this amount of pain for a grandparent who's passed? Is it normal to want her to still be alive? Is it normal to cry all the time even though she passed almost two months ago before Christmas? Is it normal to think of all the memories I have of her and cry? Is it normal to not look forwards to special occasions because she won't be there? Is it normal to hurt for my mum because she's going through more pain than anyone? And is it normal to think about what will happen when my own mum dies, and what my son will do and how he will cope when I die? Does the pain ever go away or does it just get easier to deal with? Because I'm not sure I want to feel like this forever, I just miss her so much. I could go on forever about memories and how I feel but I can't type anymore because it's too painful. R.I.P Nanny, you will be sadly missed by all of us, but we know you are now in the safe and loving hands of God where you belong, I love you Nanny, hug hug hug kiss kiss kiss xoxox