I love you Nanny

by Sam
(Bedfordshire)

My nanny was quite possibly one of the strongest, most inspirational people I have ever met and probably ever will meet in my life, which is why I'm so utterly sad that she's passed.

I have so many good memories of her and my grandad (who passed 5 years ago, age 80) but these memories at present don't help the sadness and make me cry even more. And I feel guilty for crying and feeling so upset because I'm sure my mum is in so much more pain than me, even though she is also strong and doesn't show it so much. 

It all just happened so quickly, and I went to see her when I could whilst she was in hospital for around three weeks, I told her every day I saw her 'I love you nanny' and she always responded 'I love you too Samantha' and I told her to hurry up and get better, she assured me she was, but I suppose she couldn't fight the pain and illness she had anymore. That made me angry because she lied to me to stop me from hurting, which ultimately hurt me even more. I'm angry with her GP and her district nurse as they were less than helpful when she was on this earth. My poor, lovely mum found her own mother slumped in her armchair, lifeless (almost) because the district nurse and GP had failed to do their job properly. I'm probably feeling this way because it's part of the five steps of grief.

Me and my mum went to see my nan in her coffin when she'd passed, and it was horrible. She looked so angry, and it wasn't really her, it was just her shell. She'd already gone. I touched her hand and asked her to wake up, but she didn't (obviously). I must've washed my hand a million times since, and I can still feel the coldness of her hand on my skin. Before I walked out, I told her one last time I love her but she didn't say it back, and whilst I'm typing this I'm crying so hard.

I read a poem at her funeral, and just about got through it, she would've been so proud. All of her friends from her church and village (she was well known in the village and a devout Christian) told me how she always spoke of me and my son and how proud she was of us, and when we were clearing her house out, I found a Christmas card I wrote to her from me and my son.. She'd kept it on her coffee table right next to her favourite armchair she always used to sit at so it was always close to hand. I can't even describe how much this meant to me. Her house is all cleared out now, and my mum gave me some scrap books my nan had made, and inside all the scrapbooks are Christmas, mothers day, birthday cards we sent her when we were small. She kept EVERY SINGLE ONE. She wasn't so strong after all... She was actually rather sentimental, but never showed it, which does make me giggle a little bit. But it doesn't make the hole fill up that's in my heart nor the constant painful lump in my throat go away. I really, really wish more than anything she was still here. Is it normal to feel this amount of pain for a grandparent who's passed? Is it normal to want her to still be alive? Is it normal to cry all the time even though she passed almost two months ago before Christmas? Is it normal to think of all the memories I have of her and cry? Is it normal to not look forwards to special occasions because she won't be there? Is it normal to hurt for my mum because she's going through more pain than anyone? And is it normal to think about what will happen when my own mum dies, and what my son will do and how he will cope when I die? Does the pain ever go away or does it just get easier to deal with? Because I'm not sure I want to feel like this forever, I just miss her so much. I could go on forever about memories and how I feel but I can't type anymore because it's too painful. R.I.P Nanny, you will be sadly missed by all of us, but we know you are now in the safe and loving hands of God where you belong, I love you Nanny, hug hug hug kiss kiss kiss xoxox 

Comments for I love you Nanny

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Jan 26, 2013
I Love you Nanny
by: H from Bedfordshire

Hi Sam,
I lost my grandmother on Xmas eve and feel exactly like you do and can not get over how much i am hurting. How much i am crying and just not functioning with ever day life as i did. I am finding it so hard to believe that i wont ever see her again and my heart just aches to see her again.
I understand exactly how you feel and just hope that you and i can find the strength that our Nannies obviously had to get us through this.
It is hard, so hard but when will it get any easier.
My thoughts are with you xoxoxo

Jan 22, 2013
To Doreen
by: Sam

Thank you for the lovely comment, Doreen. I am so very sorry to hear about your husband, I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. My grandad had prostate cancer, which led to a brain tumour, which was how he lost his fight. It's so upsetting to hear when medical staff don't tend to patients how they should. I work in the NHS, and my patients are so important to me, which makes it even more difficult to understand how medical staff can neglect patients the way they do. Thank you so much for your kind words, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in the grieving process. I hate feeling miserable and just want it to hurry up and pass, but I've had a good read through this website and it's helped me tremendously, and made me realise I'm not going insane and that it's completely normal to be sad about my nanny. I hope you are ok and that you're coping and getting through your grief process. Sending lots of love, strength and encouragement to help pull you through, from Sam x

Jan 21, 2013
I love you Nanny
by: Doreen U.K.

Sam I am sorry for your loss of your Nanny. I can identify with you when you say that the doctors and nurses failed your nanny. Whilst we know the medical staff do a very good job caring for the sick, they often do get things so very wrong, and they can be neglectful very often. I had to go through this often. My husband died 8 months ago of cancer and he had to endure so much neglect in a very clinical way. It depended on the funding and then you get the treatment.
Death makes us vulnerable to the thought of losing other loved ones from our life. This is normal. It is also very common to be concerned about all the other things that can go wrong. Don't worry if you are grieving the wrong way. There are no rules when grieving except if grief lasts too long you could benefit from some grief counselling.

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