I miss Arthur
Arthur was my grandfather. He was my mom's mom's 2nd husband - my Nan, this is a british grandmother. He was arthur to the grandkids, but he was still our grandfather, or it would have been nandad for british grandpa, but I never got to meet my nandad, he died before I was born.
Anyway, I miss him a lot. Sometimes I don't want to believe he's gone. I feel so angry sometimes that he is. I am angry at him sometimes that he's not coming back, and that he left my Nan here to just fade away, as this is how she's been since he died. I noticed a decline in her after his death.
I know live in the apartment they both lived in together since they were married. Actually, my Nan lived here first for a few years, as I've learned, and then once her and Arthur were married, moved in here. Anyway, I've only ever known it as their place. It is very difficult living here sometimes. I have been living here since April of this year. Sometimes I haven't wanted to come home, and I've thought it was just because I've been unhappy about other things, but I'm starting to think it has more to do with the fact that I will never get to share those great times with them again. It's no longer Nan and Arthur's place. It's mine but doesn't feel like mine.
By the way, my Nan is still alive. She is 91 and living with my mom in her condo as it was not safe for her to live on her own any longer. It was really hard for my Nan to leave this apartment, and I can see why. She now has dimensia or some type of alzheimer's. They live a block away from me so we are close which is nice. Last night I was visiting with them, and when I went to say goodnight/goodbye to my Nan, she grabbed my hands and wished me a happy New Year, all the best for 2013, the year to come. I wished her the same, and when I did, she said "well, I won't see much more of it". I was heartbroken. I know she's older and things are getting worse for her, but she's still with it, still moves around, eats well, has a sense of humour. I am so upset. I think I just lost my grandpa 2 years ago - almost 3 now, I don't want to have to go to another funeral so soon. I don't want to say goodbye to my Nan too.
I should feel blessed and grateful for this wonderful apartment. Sometimes I feel resentment towards it, I feel angry. I had helped my mom go through all my Nan and Arthur's things - EVERYTHING - from their apartment once my Nan moved out, and it was very very difficult. There was lots of memorabilia. Everything was them, and I got rid of almost all of it, except for a sailship, a toy one that Arthur made himself; he built a few of them. I have some was books of his; he was in the british Nave. I have all their phots albums. But, other than that, I changed almost everything about this plave. I was quick to get rid of it. I wanted to make it into something different because it was no longer theirs. It still feels like their place though, not matter what I do to it. And I feel lonely here sometimes. Like I shouldn't be here. This is a place meant for a couple. It should be a place filled with love and laughter and good times, like they had. I wish they were still here to share it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I've had so many mixed emotions when I'm here. It's been so hard to make sense of them sometimes. A lot of times I just don't want to be here. But, I have 2 cats. And I feel bad when I leave them - I feel guilty that I don't want to be here with them. But, it's not really that I don't think. Because, when I'm elsewhere, at at someone else's house/apartment, I usually think, it would be nice if they were here with us. It's just being here in this place with them, with anyone really. I am okay for a while, but at times I just have this yucky feeling come over me; feeling uncomfortable and I just don't like it.
It's been so hard to get in touch with some of these feelings. Now I realize a bit more that it sucks because my Nan is still alive, so she should be here, but shes not. And I feel confused because I feel she's gone, but then realize, no, she's still "here", but not here - this place anymore. Agh, it's so frustrating sometimes.