I miss Arthur

by Erin
(Toronto, Ontario)

Arthur was my grandfather. He was my mom's mom's 2nd husband - my Nan, this is a british grandmother. He was arthur to the grandkids, but he was still our grandfather, or it would have been nandad for british grandpa, but I never got to meet my nandad, he died before I was born.
Anyway, I miss him a lot. Sometimes I don't want to believe he's gone. I feel so angry sometimes that he is. I am angry at him sometimes that he's not coming back, and that he left my Nan here to just fade away, as this is how she's been since he died. I noticed a decline in her after his death.
I know live in the apartment they both lived in together since they were married. Actually, my Nan lived here first for a few years, as I've learned, and then once her and Arthur were married, moved in here. Anyway, I've only ever known it as their place. It is very difficult living here sometimes. I have been living here since April of this year. Sometimes I haven't wanted to come home, and I've thought it was just because I've been unhappy about other things, but I'm starting to think it has more to do with the fact that I will never get to share those great times with them again. It's no longer Nan and Arthur's place. It's mine but doesn't feel like mine.
By the way, my Nan is still alive. She is 91 and living with my mom in her condo as it was not safe for her to live on her own any longer. It was really hard for my Nan to leave this apartment, and I can see why. She now has dimensia or some type of alzheimer's. They live a block away from me so we are close which is nice. Last night I was visiting with them, and when I went to say goodnight/goodbye to my Nan, she grabbed my hands and wished me a happy New Year, all the best for 2013, the year to come. I wished her the same, and when I did, she said "well, I won't see much more of it". I was heartbroken. I know she's older and things are getting worse for her, but she's still with it, still moves around, eats well, has a sense of humour. I am so upset. I think I just lost my grandpa 2 years ago - almost 3 now, I don't want to have to go to another funeral so soon. I don't want to say goodbye to my Nan too.
I should feel blessed and grateful for this wonderful apartment. Sometimes I feel resentment towards it, I feel angry. I had helped my mom go through all my Nan and Arthur's things - EVERYTHING - from their apartment once my Nan moved out, and it was very very difficult. There was lots of memorabilia. Everything was them, and I got rid of almost all of it, except for a sailship, a toy one that Arthur made himself; he built a few of them. I have some was books of his; he was in the british Nave. I have all their phots albums. But, other than that, I changed almost everything about this plave. I was quick to get rid of it. I wanted to make it into something different because it was no longer theirs. It still feels like their place though, not matter what I do to it. And I feel lonely here sometimes. Like I shouldn't be here. This is a place meant for a couple. It should be a place filled with love and laughter and good times, like they had. I wish they were still here to share it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I've had so many mixed emotions when I'm here. It's been so hard to make sense of them sometimes. A lot of times I just don't want to be here. But, I have 2 cats. And I feel bad when I leave them - I feel guilty that I don't want to be here with them. But, it's not really that I don't think. Because, when I'm elsewhere, at at someone else's house/apartment, I usually think, it would be nice if they were here with us. It's just being here in this place with them, with anyone really. I am okay for a while, but at times I just have this yucky feeling come over me; feeling uncomfortable and I just don't like it.
It's been so hard to get in touch with some of these feelings. Now I realize a bit more that it sucks because my Nan is still alive, so she should be here, but shes not. And I feel confused because I feel she's gone, but then realize, no, she's still "here", but not here - this place anymore. Agh, it's so frustrating sometimes.

Comments for I miss Arthur

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Jan 08, 2013
Death is Scary. I feel this way also. You are not Alone.
by: Doreen U.K.

Erin I know what you are saying about DEATH being scary. Of course it is. Watching our loved one's laid to rest how can we not feel something. I know we won't have life in us so won't know anything. BUT We know we go into the ground and this makes death CRUEL. There were no more grave plots so I had to purchase a BURIAL CHAMBER made out of concrete and my husband is buried at the bottom of this chamber and when I die I will go on the top. But just thinking of this scares me. Even if I won't know anything. My husband was worried about this before he died, which is why he wanted to be cremated because some people have woken up in their coffin. But my in-laws pressed for a burial because of their beliefs so I respected this and buried Steve.
I can understand also you not wanting to go back to the Condo. Counselling will address your FEARS and CONCERNS. There are some places I don't want to go. Sometimes I don't want to be in this house. Steve died where I sit in the lounge and this is painful. Death triggers off other responses in us. I feel that other people in my life are going to die and I will be left with no one. Death makes us VULNERABLE. Sometimes I don't want to be in this house that Steve died building up and didn't enjoy. Worked all his life for. Death is the end of life. But my beliefs say that there is an afterlife. Jesus promised in the Bible "I go to prepare a place for you and I will come back again for you so that you may be where I am also. I claim this promise and this gives me HOPE. I live by FAITH. By accepting Jesus as My Lord and Saviour we have ETERNAL LIFE. This is my HOPE. I believe we are just passing through this life. Our real Home is to come. There will be no more DEATH, TEARS, SORROW. I was brought up with these beliefs. Erin I hope that you are comforted in your grief and that your grief counsellor will support you till you get to a more comfortable place in your grief and you will feel happier when you have been able to resolve some of those difficulties that DEATH has brought your way. Best wishes Doreen

Jan 07, 2013
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you Doreen for your response. I was just this morning going to contact my grief counsellor as I was overcome by sadness/sorrow while sitting in this apartment (condo), and to open up my email and see that you responded really did help. I balled as I read your response - helped me to let it out, and to see that I'm not alone in feeling this type of sadness. I think I've become so afraid of death/dying after my Arthur's death, that I've not been coping as well. I also didn't really start to mourn his loss until coming in to this condo, and I didn't understand what was going on with me sometimes. My emotions/feelings were all mixed up. Some days after leaving the condo, I wouldn't want to come back to it.
As I sit here this morning, I realized I don't think I've fully accepted his death - this may not be true, but, I think that if he died, that means my Nan's going to die soon too. Then, my father's older, 10 years younger than when my grandpa was when he dies - different grandpa, he was 81, and then I start to realize how much older we all are, and it scares me to realize what a reality it is that we are all going to pass someday. I'm having a very difficult time trying to come to terms with that. It's not that I want to dwell on it, I think that in the past though, I just didn't believe it was going to happen. Now I'm realizing all my fears surrounding this. It's been very scarey and overwhelming at times. I don't know how one comes to accept this part of life, because to me "death" is not life; it's the end of life, and that just seems so depressing. I do not want to waist time focused on that fact, yet sometimes if I try not to think of it, it just comes into my head unconsciously. Oh geez, I wonder if anyone else who's experienced significant loss has gone through this at all.
Anyway, thanks again for your response Doreen, and to anyone else who may respond. It's so good to have other people to reach out to.

Jan 05, 2013
I miss Arthur
by: Doreen U.K.

Erin I am sorry for your loss of Arthur and your concern for your nana who is 91yrs.
I have a father who is 91yrs. and in fragile health and has to be cared for by my younger sister and we miss our phone calls when my Dad was living next to me and my other sister. So I do understand how you feel. At 91yrs. It is a worry because we know that we will lose these special people from our lives soon due to their age. We want our loved one's with us for as long as possible and no one is immune from the worry of aging relatives and losing them.
Having Arthur and your nana's condo is such a blessing and inheritance for you. Enjoy this and even though you don't have them in the condo with you, ~ You could get someone to share with you and this would be company and also you would have your own history to develop as you grow up. The cycle of life will continue, and we will continue to lose people from our lives come what may. This is the sadness we all face as a human race. But we can gather all the memories and have them forever. We all come into life with different life's experiences and cultures and we all contribute and add to the quality of life in a changing world. Some of our stories are much more sad and sorrowful with many losses in quite a short space of time and I can't imagine how one copes with this. WE will all go on in life as we choose how we live and how we build our lives up. I hope we all develop traditions and values that we can happily pass on to the succeeding generations that will make up this complex and changing world. I wish you a successful and happy future and comfort and peace in your life after losing Arthur.

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