I miss her so much it hurts.

(Jacksonville, FL)

I lost my mother about a month ago and I miss her so much that it hurts. I never realized that you can experience physical pain from an emotional loss. Some days are a little better than others, but for the most part I've been walking around with a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and a huge hole in my heart. I am very angry because I don't feel like it was her time to go. I feel like there were mistakes made in her care that resulted in her death. She became unable to speak for the last month or so before her death and I feel very cheated that we weren't able to speak to her when she needed us most and when we needed to hear from her the most. Mom's love was always unconditional,and although she was small and frail, her love provided a lot of strength for her children. We could always count on her no matter what. She would always be there for us and in our corner. She would always tell us what we needed to hear even if it wasn't what we wanted to hear, but in the end, she'd always be right. My mother had 1 boy and 2 girls and I was her baby. She loved me so much and she made it very obvious that I was the favorite, sometimes to my embarrassment. She also, without a doubt, loved my brother and sister too, it was just that she and I had more in common and I was the youngest. I miss her so much.

Some days, it seems unbearable that I will never see her again in this life time. Sometimes I feel selfish because I know she is in heaven with a glorified body, so she can see again, walk again, feels no pain, and is with the Lord. It can't get much better than that, so I know she is much better off and would prefer to stay there if she had her druthers, but I can't help wishing that things had gone differently and she was still here.

I know that I will never stop missing her, but I do hope that the pain that I feel from it, and the heaviness that I have in my heart will soon ease up and I can go a day or two without crying because I miss her so much.