I Miss Her So Much...

On November 12th, 2010, just having arrived in Mexico for a long awaited vacation, I received the horrifying news that my Mom had been killed in a head on collision on the highway near her home.

At first, it seemed so unreal. She was such a big part of my life and she simply couldn't just die like that. I was in a fog. We cut our holiday short and headed out to where my family lives to help tend to funeral arrangements and care for my Dad, who is disabled.

I felt so odd at the time. It just didn't seem real, and I thought I should be sad, devastated, falling apart.. But I wasn't, and I didn't. Instead, all of my siblings and I fought amongst ourselves over stupid stuff. I couldn't wait to get back home.

Now, a month or two later, it's all hitting me at once. I think about her every minute of the day, and I am so very, very sad. I will never hear her voice or feel her warm hug again. I won't receive any more of her "joke emails" or get frantic calls about her computer not working.

Every night I lay awake, obsessed with these thoughts. There is a hole in my chest that aches and aches. I try to fill it with food. It helps a little, but I am gaining weight like crazy. I feel like things will never be the same. I fear for what might happen next. Will I die? Will something happen to my husband, my daughter, my other family members?

I wish there was a way I could talk to my Mom. I want to tell her how much I love her, and how sorry I am for the fights we had over the years. I miss her so much.