I Miss Her So Much...

On November 12th, 2010, just having arrived in Mexico for a long awaited vacation, I received the horrifying news that my Mom had been killed in a head on collision on the highway near her home.

At first, it seemed so unreal. She was such a big part of my life and she simply couldn't just die like that. I was in a fog. We cut our holiday short and headed out to where my family lives to help tend to funeral arrangements and care for my Dad, who is disabled.

I felt so odd at the time. It just didn't seem real, and I thought I should be sad, devastated, falling apart.. But I wasn't, and I didn't. Instead, all of my siblings and I fought amongst ourselves over stupid stuff. I couldn't wait to get back home.

Now, a month or two later, it's all hitting me at once. I think about her every minute of the day, and I am so very, very sad. I will never hear her voice or feel her warm hug again. I won't receive any more of her "joke emails" or get frantic calls about her computer not working.

Every night I lay awake, obsessed with these thoughts. There is a hole in my chest that aches and aches. I try to fill it with food. It helps a little, but I am gaining weight like crazy. I feel like things will never be the same. I fear for what might happen next. Will I die? Will something happen to my husband, my daughter, my other family members?

I wish there was a way I could talk to my Mom. I want to tell her how much I love her, and how sorry I am for the fights we had over the years. I miss her so much.

Comments for I Miss Her So Much...

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Dec 30, 2010
Peace and Happiness to all of us
by: Anonymous

As 2011 approaches I am mourning the loss of my husband just 4 weeks ago. I've been going on autopilot the past few weeks trying to get through the holidays.

My mother is still here but I have many close friends who have lost their mothers. I know it's one of the hardest deaths any human has to cope with (the loss of the woman who carried you and gave you life). I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive things that remain in my life. My husband would've wanted me to be strong as I'm sure your mom would've. It's not easy though.

I'm already having one OK day followed by two terrible days where I just can't stop crying. As for feeling bad about old arguments those things just don't matter any longer. I tried beating myself up for a few days for the times I lost patience with my husband when he was so ill. We are humans and we love, argue and forgive each other.

Your mom would want you to be happy. Remember her always in your heart as I will my husband. God's blessings to you and your family in this new year. PJ

Dec 30, 2010
The sun will shine, eventually...
by: Anonymous

The first month or so....You are numb just going through the motions, trying to care for everyone around you and make arrangements. It is much like being on autopilot. But then when things settle down, people go about their business the pain of what you lost enters your mind.

You are trying to escape with things that make you feel better. Food, shopping, some drink (mistake) anything to take the pain away.

Grief is the worst pain that a heart can endure.
It takes over your life and thoughts. Try as much as we want to avoid it. It is a horrible ride through grief we must take; there is no avoiding it.

You will have days that you think there is no way that you can survive. Our motto here as you will read over and over again is 1 breath 1 step at a time. This has taken us all through the dark days while awaiting the sun to shine. And it will, the sun will shine and there will be good days ahead. Until then...

1 breath 1 step 1 moment at a time

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