I Miss Him So Much

by Patricia Cox
(Cheney, WA USA)

My husband and I had been married for 43 years and together since I was 15. He retired in Feb 2010 and we were starting on a new journey of travel and fun. On August 13th, 2012 we were readying our RV to take the granddaughters on a little trip and my husband said I don't feel so good I guess I am really out of shape and he chuckled. He laid down in the bed of the truck and wanted to go in the house and sit in his chair for a bit. I got him in the house and in his recliner. I looked at him and he had a vacant look on his face so I called 911 thinking it was a possible stroke. The paramedics came then the ambulance then the helicopter!! I thought maybe it would be just a trip to the hospital and then back home but when the paramedics came out and said he was GONE I knew right then my world had come to a crashing halt. OMG the love of my life and the person that was my best friend for all these years had died of a heart attack!! So suddenly that I had to catch my breath, and say what????? He had no symptoms and had not been sick a day in his life. I almost selfishly wished he did have an illness at least I would have been prepared a little bit. It shakes you to your very core when it is so sudden with no warning at all. All our dreams and all our plans for the future were gone!! Now what do I do? My daughters are coping pretty well they still have their families and their spouses so life goes on for them but with a huge void in their lives. They don't understand the change in my life. It has changed 100% and now I don't know what to do. I cry everyday over everything. I can't even go into his shop without crying. I am selling my house because it is to much to keep up and to many memories. He always told me if anything ever happened to him for me to sell and move into town by our daughters. I am starting grief counseling this week because I can't seem to stop crying over everything, so wish me luck.

Comments for I Miss Him So Much

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Nov 01, 2012
by: Anonymous

I can understand what you are going throug. I too lost my husband to lung cancer, diagnosed two months before passing away 3 months ago. He quit smoking 25 years ago but it didnt make any difference. I am strong on the outside but not inside. I cry alot. I try to keep busy, it helps some but I miss him terribly. We were together for 46 years.

Oct 25, 2012
Talk about it
by: Anonymous

You are right, the time it takes to learn to live alone is like learning to live together. I lost my wife of 30 years, 6 months ago, I am just now realizing that she is gone physically. She will always be with me spiritually. I have work so I have people to talk to. If I was home alone I don't know what I would do. It helps me to talk about my love in the past and how things in the present relate to my late wife. You end up wanting to life in the present and not in the past, at least for me. Does it take away the loneliness, no, but it helps me relate my situation to the present. Do I care if I make people uncomfortable, no, do I care if family members get upset, no. Just don't isolate yourself, try to reach out to everybody and let them know that they matter, somehow, to you. It works. The rest of your life will be the best of your life.

Oct 19, 2012
I Miss Him so Much
by: Doreen U.K.

Patricia it is normal to cry as you do when you see your husband's empty chair. When you go to bed alone, eat alone, shop alone, have no one to talk to and share your day with as you did with your husband. Don't beat yourself up for crying. This is a great part of your grief and your HEALING. You should really worry if you don't cry.
I have to go into Steve's garage and sort out all his carpentry tools. I am not looking forward to this. It is one of the worst jobs I have to do. In the garage is Steve's work boots on the shelf. there is his tools and his toolbox, and all the personal things he touched and used. It will break my heart. It just makes me feel how fragile life is. We accumulate a lot in life and yet we take nothing with us. It is all left behind. This is the most painfull memory for me. STEVE left it all behind. His cowboy boots are in the cupboard in the porch. I WILL NEVER GET RID OF THESE. They will be here forever. Even if DEATH is natural. IT IS STILL A VERY CRUEL PART OF LIFE. Don't expect to stop crying after counselling. You will find it painful. You will be tempted to give it up. DON'T. See it through. It is a very CLEANSING experience. You will emerge a stronger more integrated person.
Remember what you are going through is normal. We are all feeling the same way. I don't want my life to change and go off alone in another direction. WHO DOES? God created marriage. God created the FAMILY. GOD KNOWS THE PAIN OF GRIEF. Jesus WEPT. God gave Life and God took life away. I guess We should consult him about how we feel and at every turn. Best wishes in counselling and Life.

Oct 18, 2012
I Miss Him So Much
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Thank you for posting back to us. We are all in an AWFUL STATE OF GRIEF.
The loneliness we feel is so very normal. How can we not feel this way; a big part of us is gone. After 15 months I still do not enjoy going to bed alone and eating alone and coming home to an empty house. My home is empty without my Red here. I do feel his presence here, but it isn't the physicl. I miss that oh so much-no more spontaneous hugs and kisses.
I have a part time job with the Green Bay Public School System, only 4 hours a day, but it gets me out the house. Some days. like today, I would rather just be home. but the loneliness isn't healthy for me. If Red was here I would not be working any more; but life is what it is and we do have choices.
I am going on with my life for me. I don't want or need male companionship. I feel I ahd the best and if I can't have Red, then I don't want any other man either.
I gotta run, my job is calling me. Take care, you're not alone, we're all with you.

Oct 18, 2012
I Miss My Husband Terribly
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband of 51 years only 2 weeks ago...We have been together since I was 16 years old and life without him is very hard. I think the hardest part is sleeping alone, eating alone and not having anyone to share the day with. I do have friends and we go shopping and those kind of things but you always end up coming home to an empty house. I too cry everyday and it is exhausting yet when I go to bed at night I have trouble getting to sleep and I wake up so early and this just makes the day longer....I read all the above stories and I feel for all of you because this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have two daughters who contact me every day and they are grieving too but they have their spouses and families and this keeps them busy but at times I feel very alone....I am strong and know I will get through this but it is a struggle. I will check for grief programs in my area and maybe attend one to see if this help...

Oct 18, 2012
Thanks for the comments I love them by Patricia
by: Doreen

Patricia I read your comment to another post and I know what you mean when you say that you go to bed alone and wake up alone and you feel worse when you are alone. SO DO I. I have someone on my side who tells it like it is. I also have children who are so busy they don't come around. Perhaps once in 2 months, so I have to be thankful for small mercies. It is not us feeling sorry for ourselves. THIS IS REAL HURT. REAL PAIN. I say this because one of my friends who lost her husband to the same disease as my Steve did has managed to move on with her life and is so full of her adventures, holidays with the children and grandchildren and her comment to me was. "At least I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself." I then replied to her telling her I am happy that she is moving on with her life but it will be slower for me. I then rattled off all the projects that I am doing at the moment all together. Putting different tradesmen in place to do the work. I am also on the grief site a lot because it is what I enjoy doing also replying to posts. I shouldn't have been put in a position to defend myself. I am not motivated to do anything. I only work when I feel like it. It isn't ME sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. Some people will move on better with their lives and forget what their GRIEF was like and how painful a place it was for them and so look down on people as "feeling sorry for themselves." This statement should never be used to anyone who has lost a loved one and still struggling with GRIEF.
I found it better talking in a group of people who had the same problem as me GRIEF. I didn't like a mixed Group. It didn't work well for me. I didn't feel supported. I do prefer a Group where everyone is in the same boat. But you will find what works for you. Best wishes and Good luck with your counselling.

Oct 17, 2012
Thanks for the comments I love them
by: Patricia

I am sitting by myself in my home....alone again. My girls are grown so they don't come by often everyone is busy. So I walk around the house like a zombie wondering whats next. I started counseling today and she was pretty good but I wonder if going to a group that the people have all lost a spouse would be more beneficial to me. She had schooling and experience in counseling but I still wonder if talking to someone who has actually been through the same thing would be better. She said I am where I am supposed to be in this process since its only been a couple months and all the crying is normal. I am so tired from so much crying. I made his favorite vegetable last night and cried all through dinner. I hope the crying subsides soon it is exhausting. One of the very hardest things for me is going to bed alone and waking up alone. After sleeping together for 43 years it leaves a huge hole. I would like to be here for my 6 grandkids too but they are all busy and would they even miss me. They don't come see me often so being alone is really hard for me. The crying seems to be worse if I'm alone. How long does this last?

Oct 17, 2012
Read my husband's story please.....
by: Kathy In Welcome, NC

I am work and don't have time to talk long but I wanted you to read my husband's story on this same web page, his name is James Pinkney Infinger. Your story and my story sounds the same. I lost my husband on 08/07/2012 apparently of a heart attack in his sleep. Please find a Grief Share group through a church. I did and it's the best thing I did. I can meet with people once a week that is going through the same night mare that I am. I will say a prayer for you today and tonight. I know how you are feeling and probably not doing much better. We were together for 25 years and have two children. They are the only reasons I wake up in the mornings. I hear him tell me every day....."I don't care what else you do today but get up and take care of my babbies!!!!" God Bless You and I'll be thinking of you!!!!

Oct 17, 2012
I Miss Him So Much
by: Sharon

Life is so cruel right now for you. You don't know yourself anymore, you thoughts are of him 24/7. You feel like this is a huge nightmare. Where do I go from here. What I am suppose to do now. Why can't he communicate with you to answer all your many questions.
Thats were I am. My Steven left New Years Day. To me there won't be any new year. It's been almost 10 months. I am still in our house, sleeping in our bed, but so alone. I pray that tomorrow the crying will be alittle less, the hole in my chest will get alittle smaller, I can have one clear thought, theres so many things I wish would happen. I went to 3 support groups, everyone had differnt griefs, from husbands, wives to their family pet. I am so shelfish that I didn't want to listen to anyone except about their husbanbs. How they handle this and that. How many years have they been alone. How long am I going to do thid stupid crying. When will the time come that I age normal instead of by leaps and bounds?
What I am trying to say is do anything you can for support, if you hate it move on to somwhere else, know that there are woman like you (which you can't believe) who do not remember what happiness was, the wonderful touches and smells from your husbanb. They are just like you and me. Every night I say to myself, I did it I made it through another day. I cried more than I didn't, but I made it. I may hate the way the day went, but maybe tomorrow will be different and maybe not.
I have 3 super grandchildren, thats why I don't give up like I want to. They loved their PaPa Bear so much that losing Gramma would totally change their lives. One is enough in this family so I won't leave them and be with Steven. The rest of the family might feel I should be back to normal. Like thats ever going to happen. I don't know myself right now.
All of us out there know maybe someday. Just maybe someday.
I would like to give you part of my heart, (theres very little left) to let you know we all hurt for you and hope you know that all of us know what you are going through and we hate that you have too.

Oct 16, 2012
Thanks for the feedback, I needed that
by: Patricia

It is really helpful knowing there are other women out there who know exactly how I feel. I feel so sad that we all have to go through this feeling of such despair. I have been crying every day the last few days it feels like a new wound every day when I get out of bed. Everything makes me cry, I tried to make dinner tonight and it was food he liked and it made me cry. I can't go into his workshop at all, everything in there makes me cry. I am hoping that the counseling will help me stop crying at every little thing. It is really hard sitting around at night watching tv and his chair is right next to mine. When you spend 24/7 with someone it leaves a big hole. We didn't get to retire very long it was only 2 years so I feel our dreams were shattered. I was really looking forward to our next 20 years together. I will keep you posted on my counseling session as I start tomorrow. We will see if it does any good. I am only going at this point to appease my daughters. It was great getting your letters you have no idea how much I appreciate your responses.
Thank you so much

Oct 16, 2012
I Miss Him so Much
by: Doreen U.K.

Patricia I am so very sorry for your loss of your husband suddenly. This will affect your grief as it was a sudden death. You were'nt prepared for this. I am glad you are having grief counselling. I always advise this in certain causes of death which affects the grief. I lost my husband of 44yrs. marriage 5 months ago to lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. Steve's cancer was incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. Steve survived 3yrs.39days. I nursed him and had to watch him die slowly. But the day of our life sentence was March 28th 2009 when Steve got the diagnosis. My world crashed then. It was up and down to Hospitals for Chemo, Radiotherapy, Steve then got pneumonia, shingles in the eye, blood clots in which he had to have daily injections for over 3 months. A heart attack he did not feel but showed up on the E.C.G. then to the hospice for one week and one week in the General Hospital. It was a horrible 3yrs. more like a nightmare. I am crushed by Steve's death. I hate life now. I was thinking of selling the house and moving to a smaller home, but the housing market is bad at the moment. I have decided to stay here now in the home that Steve built. But if my daughter sells this house she has to pay 40% inheritance tax to the government so she is going to rent the house out, after I die. There are too many decisions to make now. I can't make them well without Steve here to help me decide. My two eldest children are married and have their own spouses. They are getting on with their lives and I feel like an intrusion. I am very much alone now. Steve was too ill to enjoy his retirement so he went from working 47yrs. to cancer to death. Life is so unfair. Steve worked so hard all his life and then when he was due to retire he dies. My father is 91yrs. and wants his life to be over as he has no quality of life. Steve was skilled and wanted to live and he didn't get the chance to enjoy life. I admire those people who can squeeze as much out of life as they can, even when they have cancer. But for us who are grieving. We ARE HAVING THE LIFE SQUEEZED OUT OF US. I cry more now after 5 months of losing Steve. I thought grief would get less. I even miss my mom more after her passing away 9 years ago. I can't bear each new day. Life is so full of Sorrow now. Patricia I am in the same place as you are in. Grown up children. A sudden plunge into a new life we have to get on with whether we want it or not. Our children losing a father is not the same as our loss of losing our life partner. I hope your grief counselling goes well, and that you are well supported and able to move forward better. I don't have the energy or the motivation to go see a grief counsellor. I admire you for being true to your self in doing what is the right thing to do. Please let us know how it all goes and update us.

Oct 16, 2012
I Miss Him So Much
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

I feel your loss. I lost my husband, June 27,2011, from a massive heart attack. One minute talking to him, then he's gone. He had a massive heart attack sitting on the side of our bed. I remember it like yesterday.
I too had been with him since the age of 15, he 18. We always said we grew up together. He died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary.
Our life is forever changed. I always say; I look like the old me on the outside, but I am forever changed on the inside. We all feel, when our spouses died, they took a part of us with them. We have 5 adult children. They miss their dad as do the grandchildren miss their Papa; but they haven't a clue as to what I am going through. My mother-in-law has been a widow for 40 years. After the death of my husband she told me; "your life is never the same, but you just have to go on." I joined a grief support group through my church. It is exactly what I needed. I formed a friendship with others who really understood what I was feeling and going through. We developed a bond and friendship. We do things together and call each other. We all experience a different level of grief; it is ours to own and there isn't any time limit. People say things will get easier and better. I feel we just learn to accept our new life. Things are forever changed and only someone who has experienced our loss truly understands.
I will always love and miss my husband. I still have this ache in my heart and still shed tears. The tears are for my loss. I know he is in heaven watching over us. I feel his presence in our home. He existed, death doesn't change my feelings for him. My love has grown stronger; the bond we had in life, did not disappear with his death. I know I am going on and I am a strong woman, we all are. To experience the death of my husband is the greatest heart ache in my life, but my children and grandchildren are always here for me as is his family. I have a great support system and that is what we all need. I am pleased to hear you joined a grief support group. That is a big step in the right direction. Keep coming to this site and read the posts of others. I have been coming to this site everyday, since finding it. I read posts from others longer in their journey of grief and it helps me know I will make it. I used to say, I was faking it until I made it. I haven't made it completely, don't know if we ever get over our loss, but I am doing things I never thought I could and would do again.
God Bless You. Talk to your husband. I talk to mine daily. No, he doesn't answer me and yes I miss everything about him, but for me it is my way of keeping him spiritually in my life. He is physically gone, but never spiritually.

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