I miss him so much

I lost my dad 2 and a half years ago when I was 18. It all happened three weeks before I Moved to the other side of the country for University, and it's as if after those initial stages of incomprehensible pain and grief vanished and for the last two years I've completely distracted myself with how much I dearly miss him, with getting on with life, traveling and meeting new people. And then some days weeks even the pain hits again, like right now. I'm not very good at talking about feelings to friends or family, so it gets bottled up until there's one of these days where I sit up at night just thinking about him and the realization hits, I'm never going to see him again. He's not going to see me at my graduation, my wedding, meet my kids, he's never going to be at one of those moments and look at me and think I'm so proud, and I'll never be able to hug him ever again. The pain of never being able to speak to him again is just so much. In the back of my head I always think he will be at home when I drive back up for holidays and such. But since he passed it's like our family home is just a house. An empty vessel full of lost memories that I sometimes find it hard to believe are mine. My mum is moving in with her new partner. I'm so happy that she is able to find happiness again, which were the wishes of my dad when he found out he was ill. But although I'm so happy for her, I just can't bear that empty part in my life where my dad isn't. It doesn't feel right. It's almost as if it were a lifetime ago that he passed. Like I'm making him up in my head. And although I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be 'normal', I'll continue my day like any other, when I receive those questions concerning my dad and what he does and if he and my mum are together, I will casually brush over that he passed away and act- and feel- fine about it, but when I take a moment to think about him, the amazing man he was, my heart will feel like it's breaking and I can't help but regret not telling him how much I loved he every single day he was here. :-(

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Feb 08, 2014
I miss him so much
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your father and how this is making you feel now about the loss of him. Grief is hard painful, and often we don't know how to react. Many of us feel numb and don't know if we have grieved, are grieving, or how to react. Many have busy lives and see grief as an intrusion and so get on with what they have to do, and then suddenly it all comes crashing down. We don't know what to do with what we are feeling. It is traumatic to lose a loved one. That person was in your life for many years. A relationship was forged. Bonding took place. A lifetime of history, and then it is all gone. We are suddenly faced with the reality that the one we loved and lost is never coming back. This is the hardest part of dealing with grief. THE FINALITY of the person who gave us life and suddenly disappeared out of our love FOREVER. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 21 months ago to cancer and often feelings come back which make me wonder if this really happened. I see my husband's face in my mind and feel a wave of panic. HE IS GONE. Never coming back. I have a strong Christian belief I grew up with. So whilst I will go through the motions of grief I have this belief I will see my husband and mother again, as God promised. This gives me Hope to go on living each day. Life will never be the same again with people missing from our lives. Death leaves a VOID that can never be filled or Closed. WE can only Hope that we HEAL enough to continue with life. You are so young and have your whole life in front of you. Live one day at a time. Let the memories and grief come and cry if you must. You are healing this way. There will always be triggers that set us off. But remember that grief is a slow healing process but it doesn't last forever. Even grief has its day. The reality is that we will keep losing loved one's from our life all the time. This is the hard part. Do what you have to get through your grief. But don't postpone it or deny it. You will just be prolonging your pain. Because one day it will press for resolution and be much harder to deal with. One day you will find peace and healing from grief. we are all waiting for this day.

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