I miss my baby boy so much, I can't even breathe

by Amy Smith
(Long Island, NY)

This might take awhile but I'm not getting better over the loss of baby boy. He was a 10year old Maltese named Sake' my wife and I always said this was our child and he has the best two mommies in the world. We basically lived for him, we didn't go on a honeymoon or a vacation in 10 years because we would never leave him with anyone not even family. In our eyes he was a person who spoke to us, he trusted and lived for us. I can't get over the guilt in my heart and soul and I feel like I'm never going to get better. About 7 years ago he was diagnosed with cushings which was totally under control with medication, and about 10 months ago he was diagnosed with diabetes, which we also got under control after a very long process and lots of hard work. He also had a pinched nerve on his neck as well that would spasm on him, but with all of his ailments and issues he was the happiest, mushiest, loveable, spoiled baby ever!!! Well 3 months ago out of nowhere (he was perfect, running around, playing eating and so happy) he went into a very bad neck spasm, he would spasm lay down and not move for 15 min then get up and be ok, but this time they went on for almost a week maybe 2 (the vet gave us meds for when it happened, since it's happened before) well, this time the spasms got so bad that when they went away it must have caused some damage to his left front paw, so we took him to the vet and she gave him an injection of anti inflammatory, (the front paw) this went on for about a week, so keep in mind our bedroom was upstairs and he was in and out of spasms so I was carrying him EVERYWHERE for a month at this point. He couldn't jump off the bed to tell me he had to go outside so we got into a routine of me taking him outside like every 4 or 5 hours. Anyway... this is what is MAKING ME CRAZY, he was still limping from his front paw but it seemed to be possibly getting a little bit better, but the next day out of nowhere he would not put pressure on his back right leg. (So now this poor baby was limping from his front left paw and now his back right leg). I took him outside and when he stepped down on his back left leg it must have twisted because he screamed in pain and fell down, I immediately picked him up and brought him inside and put him on the bed. The next day he was not putting ANY pressure on his leg or even putting down (except when he had to poop), we took him to a specialist who wanted to do a $3,000 MRI, which we would have done but our vet said she would do some X-rays. So she took X-rays and we found out that he tore his ACL in his knee and could have possible nerve damage in his spine, we wanted to do the surgery ($8,000) but they said he couldn't because of the diabetes and cushings. So here goes.... the vet gave him an injection of cortisone which you usually can't get because of the cushings but at this point we had to try to get this poor baby out of pain, they also gave him a fentanol patch, plus more meds for inflammation, and muscle and more pain meds. since he wasn't supposed to be on steroids she said we can try for only 1 week to see if it would help. After 2 days of crying when moved, panting so bad from the pain, and now from all the meds and stress his sugars were up and who knows how bad the cushings was getting we felt that he was suffering but I couldn't even think of putting him..... because he was still eating and drinking, and (with difficulty) peeing and pooping. The next day I was holding him and he hit his leg he was screaming so bad that my wife and I were crying with him. She looked at me and said "that's it babe we can't keep doing this to him." I knew (I think) she was right. We bundled him up in a blanket and brought him to the vet. Usually he would be crying and going crazy on the way and going in, but this time he wasn't. I gave him a kiss and walked out. This was October 6, 2016. We'll, it's now December 6th and I still can't stop crying, can't sleep, I gained 15 pounds and in the worst state of depression ever. I still can't look at any of the 2,898 pictures I have of him, and I still can't turn the light off without crying because that was his treat time, we are actually moving from our house because we can't take the memories. This is the first time I'm actually writing this down and after reading it through my waterfall of tears it sounds absolutely horrible and I know (I think) we did the right thing, but why do I feel like he might have woken up the next day feeling better or maybe he would have gotten better, we should have waited till he was done with all the steroids. I feel so guilty, yes he had a lot of health issues but they were under control, his front paw was getting better.... it was all from knee and I'm not even sure how that could have happened because he couldn't walk, I carried him everywhere for 2 months, I even quit my job! I think it was when I put him down gently to pee and he fell... is this all my fault should I have waited? Did I do the right thing? Am I ever going to feel better? I feel sooo horrible.... if anyone took the time out to read this thank you so much, it means more to me than you will ever know.

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Mar 17, 2017
Harley's mom
by: Alida

Hi Amy,
You have no idea how your post has helped me. We lost our beloved 10 year old Golden Doodle "Harley" on Monday night. I feel like I can't breath. I don't want to go out of the house or get dressed or even get up. I was sick with Crohn's disease for many years and he was truly my life line. I feel lost without him and I feel embarrassed and guilty to feel this way esp. in front of people who have lost children or other family members. I had a connection with him that was so deep it was unexplainable. We had the Vet. come to our home to set Harley free and I am viewing him for an hour this Thurs. at Regency Memorial Pet Cemetery before the individual cremation and bringing him back home. I just don't know how to shake this feeling or try to move on. My every move removed around Harley. I brought him with me to pick up the kids from school, I brought him shopping, I even bought a house on the East End so I could vacation with him and never have to leave him behind. I'm so lost...
I'm so sorry you are in such pain as well. xo

Feb 08, 2017
by: Sandy

RIP Sake. Its really tough for pet parents to come to terms with the loss of thier furbabies. Also it is common with people calling us insane when we cry out our hearts for losing an ANIMAL ( as they do not realise these pets are our world) -I still have fond memories of my Poochie whom I lost in March 2012 .Prayers to the Lord to give you strength to come to terms with your loss . Also once humble request to you to adopt another fur baby and give it love and affection for which your Sake will be happy in Rainbow Bridge .

Jan 18, 2017
Praying for your heart to smile again
by: Anonymous

Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. We had to put our "Sheba" down 4 years ago, due to a very large tumor on her tongue, which grew so fast and was making it difficult for her to eat. I noticed she wasn't eating as normal and blood began to come out of her mouth. We rushed her to our friend and vet, who had always taken care of our animals. He found a blood blister in her mouth, so he assumed the blood was coming from that and gave us medication. She didn't seem to be getting much better, so in about a week, again on the weekend, she was laying on her side sleeping with her mouth open and her tongue out I almost fell over, when I noticed a HUGE tumor in her mouth. My daughter, who is now going to college to become a Vet, was upstairs and I called her down. We rushed her to the emergency vet hospital and they took x-rays and confirmed the tumor. They did tell us, they could remove her tongue and so we would need to feed her through a feeding tube they would put in her neck. Sheba was 14 years old and had lived in a loving home and was so spoiled, deserving it completely. She was our everything and she protected her family, that was her job and she did it with JOY! My daughter and I talked it over and we decided we didn't want her to suffer any longer and live life with a feeding tube, even though the doctor said, she would adapt well to it in time. We prayed about it and did decide to put her to sleep. We stayed with her and said our good-byes. It was Valentine's Day and we were saying Good-Bye to our Loved one. I cried and cried and we said we would NOT get another dog for a long time. I too felt guilty, should I have saved her life and kept her with us for a little longer. The Vet did say, Sheba was nearing her end of life, just due to her age and probably wouldn't live much longer. We decided we would rather have her last memories of US seeing her happy, silly, playful self. I know your pain. WE both talked on our way home from the hospital that we would NOT get another dog for a long time, if ever. We felt like we would be replacing her and dishonoring her. But, both my daughter and I talked about it not too long after her passing and we KNEW that Sheba would say to us, "you gave me such a loving home and life, go rescue another animal and give her the same" So we did, we adopted another Shepherd, but this time it was a White Shepherd Lab Mix. She had been abused and abandoned and was so... scared of everyone. The Rescue facility was going to put her down (so you see, we saved another dog), we took her home and even got her a friend, another rescue found wondering out in the community and they live a Happy Life here on the Farm. What got us through the loss of Sheba was getting another Dog, not to replace her, but in honor of her. You know Sake would want you to LOVE another Dog like you did her. You have so much LOVE to give. Pray about it and I know when the time is right for you both, that you will understand how Happy "Sake" would be about your decision. Sake KNEW without a shadow of a doubt you loved her with all your heart and you just didn't want her to suffer any longer. You did the right thing. I hope this may help. Our animals want us to give all that love we have to EVERY Animal we can. I am praying for you. If it is too soon, that is fine, you will know when.

Dec 24, 2016
I Understand
by: Patti Jo Shannon

I just wanted to first say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your Baby. The pain is unbearable and continues in spite of your efforts to control it or deal with it. It does not take much to begin to cry.............every day. You come home and your Baby is not there anymore and it just breaks your heart over and over again. To make the decision to end your Baby's suffering and then follow through is difficult no matter how you try to justify it. Not only are you grieving the loss you find yourself feeling a guilt that consumes you. I can say this because I had to do the one thing that I never wanted to do. On November 30th, 2016 I had to say good-bye to my Yellow Labrador Sammy. Sammy was 12 Years, 4 Months and 27 Days old. I am sincerely sorry!

Dec 24, 2016
The holidays are killing me
by: Amy

This is getting harder and harder, I don't want to celebrate the holidays, I can't go on because everyone has pictures of there dogs and presents and with family, i can't go through my 3,457 pictures of my baby because I'll just sit and cry. I know that there are people out there either going through the same thing or possibly worse for them. I absolutely can't stop thinking that he would have gotten better and been here with us. I know it's to late and you can't go back (obviously) but something in my mind is not letting me get through this. I hope that anyone who is going through this stays stronger then me and gets better quick.

Dec 20, 2016
Thank you so much everyone
by: Amy from Long Island

First I really have to say Thank you to everyone who actually took the time out to read my post and comment, you all have no idea how much that meant to me. Also, at first I didn't think this website was a good idea or even going to help. It's extremely heart renching to hear of everyone's loss, but I definitely don't feel so alone anymore. I wish I could say that its getting easier, at this point I think my anxiety is getting worse, I still haven't had that "breakthrough' moment that is going to help me move on. This is going to sound crazy, but Sake'loved the holidays, he would actually bring me... we'll drag the rolls of wrapping paper over to me and sit with me while I wrapped all the presents, and when they were all done he would go over to them and put his chin on the bottom one, I have so many pictures of him. Dressed up in Santa hats or wearing a Hanukkah outfit, I can't even go through them to look at them, I miss him so much that everything I do reminds me of him and makes it harder for me to be able to enjoy anything. I know that so many of you are going through the same thing or even worse and my heart goes out to you. I think that eventually when we move or when the holidays are over I can start to move on, start to heal and take people's advice. I sincerely thank all of you your words of comfort and I hope that each and everyone can get through there pain and grief as quickly and as humanly possible. You are all angles sent from heaven. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Amy

Dec 13, 2016
Baby boy maltese
by: Tammy

I am so sorry for your loss. We too had a special boy Maltese that also had health issues. We cooked for him, carried him when he tore his tendon too. I can not turn the night lights out either because it was his biscuit treat time. Our boy had CHF. He died on a trip with us. Our guilt is terrible because we knew the trips were hard on him. We were away from his doctors too. He died in our arms early one morning while we were trying to get him home. I hope you have healed some. I worry that I never will.

Dec 09, 2016
Sending you HUGS!
by: Julie

I am so sorry for your loss and sending HUGS your way. I know its not easy right now its all so new (I had a shih-tzu that I has to put down at the age of 4, because she hurt her neck so bad…) I wish I has more things to say that might bring you comfort, but in time you will be able to look at pictures again, you will be able to smile and remember the good times your sweet baby and you had together. You see I also lost my son and only child at the age of 33, Feb 8 will be 4 years, a couple of months after I lost him I had to put another tzu down. My son was there when I got both of my pups… Some people think of them as just pets, but to me they were my 'kid's. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I also keep a journal and it has helped me, I can read back on th eloss of my son as well as my to thus, Pumkin Pie and Pixie Dust and I went from such sadness to knowing they're not in pain any more and I believe they are running around with my son Gregor. HUGS!!!

Dec 09, 2016
Your baby
by: Nadine

Amy, First let me say how sorry I am about your loss. I haven't had a dog in a very long time but my husband and I have quite a few cats. We love them so much and think of them as kids so I understand your feelings. About 3 years ago we had a cat who was injured severely outside. She was a stray when we took her in. She had been shot in the face with a bb gun and it injured her jaw so she had a lot of trouble eating. We took care of her the best we could and bathed her because she couldn't clean herself properly. She survived about a year and then we had to have her put to sleep. I know how hard it is but we don't want our pets to suffer. I believe you did the right thing for your little one. I cried a lot when I lost another cat, Ashley. She disappeared from home one day and we don't know what happened to her. I was very depressed and surprised how hard it was to lose her. I even cried in the car going to and from work and once at work. Just let the grieving process have its way and know you will get better. It takes time but know your heart will heal. God bless you.

Dec 09, 2016
Amy you did the right thing for your baby
by: Anonymous

Amy I'm so sorry for what you have been through and what you are still going through. I can feel your pain my heart goes out to you I went through something similar but I decided to carry on with treatment & my baby Stella died in a cage in at the vets she was only 7 years old her back legs became paralysed we did all the tests x rays mri bloods lumber puncture we never knew she had cushings and that caused the paralysis in her hind legs. She died from a blood clot which is meant to be so painful. I was not there to say goodbye it broke my heart and still does. Take comfort that you were there till the end with Sake he knew you loved him so so much. It was his time to go I'm sure his eyes told you that. You did the kindest, bravest thing possible for Sake. Please don't beat yourself up he understands everything he is with now and will always be by your side. Sending love comfort and prayers. Maryx

Dec 09, 2016
I feel your pain
by: Veronica

Hello Amy,

I completely understand what you are going thru. I lost my heart five years ago and I still mourn everyday. The pain lessens but it never goes away. Try to remember all the happy times and not the last painful days.

I wish you all the best.

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