I miss my baby boy so much, I can't even breathe
by Amy Smith
(Long Island, NY)
This might take awhile but I'm not getting better over the loss of baby boy. He was a 10year old Maltese named Sake' my wife and I always said this was our child and he has the best two mommies in the world. We basically lived for him, we didn't go on a honeymoon or a vacation in 10 years because we would never leave him with anyone not even family. In our eyes he was a person who spoke to us, he trusted and lived for us. I can't get over the guilt in my heart and soul and I feel like I'm never going to get better. About 7 years ago he was diagnosed with cushings which was totally under control with medication, and about 10 months ago he was diagnosed with diabetes, which we also got under control after a very long process and lots of hard work. He also had a pinched nerve on his neck as well that would spasm on him, but with all of his ailments and issues he was the happiest, mushiest, loveable, spoiled baby ever!!! Well 3 months ago out of nowhere (he was perfect, running around, playing eating and so happy) he went into a very bad neck spasm, he would spasm lay down and not move for 15 min then get up and be ok, but this time they went on for almost a week maybe 2 (the vet gave us meds for when it happened, since it's happened before) well, this time the spasms got so bad that when they went away it must have caused some damage to his left front paw, so we took him to the vet and she gave him an injection of anti inflammatory, (the front paw) this went on for about a week, so keep in mind our bedroom was upstairs and he was in and out of spasms so I was carrying him EVERYWHERE for a month at this point. He couldn't jump off the bed to tell me he had to go outside so we got into a routine of me taking him outside like every 4 or 5 hours. Anyway... this is what is MAKING ME CRAZY, he was still limping from his front paw but it seemed to be possibly getting a little bit better, but the next day out of nowhere he would not put pressure on his back right leg. (So now this poor baby was limping from his front left paw and now his back right leg). I took him outside and when he stepped down on his back left leg it must have twisted because he screamed in pain and fell down, I immediately picked him up and brought him inside and put him on the bed. The next day he was not putting ANY pressure on his leg or even putting down (except when he had to poop), we took him to a specialist who wanted to do a $3,000 MRI, which we would have done but our vet said she would do some X-rays. So she took X-rays and we found out that he tore his ACL in his knee and could have possible nerve damage in his spine, we wanted to do the surgery ($8,000) but they said he couldn't because of the diabetes and cushings. So here goes.... the vet gave him an injection of cortisone which you usually can't get because of the cushings but at this point we had to try to get this poor baby out of pain, they also gave him a fentanol patch, plus more meds for inflammation, and muscle and more pain meds. since he wasn't supposed to be on steroids she said we can try for only 1 week to see if it would help. After 2 days of crying when moved, panting so bad from the pain, and now from all the meds and stress his sugars were up and who knows how bad the cushings was getting we felt that he was suffering but I couldn't even think of putting him..... because he was still eating and drinking, and (with difficulty) peeing and pooping. The next day I was holding him and he hit his leg he was screaming so bad that my wife and I were crying with him. She looked at me and said "that's it babe we can't keep doing this to him." I knew (I think) she was right. We bundled him up in a blanket and brought him to the vet. Usually he would be crying and going crazy on the way and going in, but this time he wasn't. I gave him a kiss and walked out. This was October 6, 2016. We'll, it's now December 6th and I still can't stop crying, can't sleep, I gained 15 pounds and in the worst state of depression ever. I still can't look at any of the 2,898 pictures I have of him, and I still can't turn the light off without crying because that was his treat time, we are actually moving from our house because we can't take the memories. This is the first time I'm actually writing this down and after reading it through my waterfall of tears it sounds absolutely horrible and I know (I think) we did the right thing, but why do I feel like he might have woken up the next day feeling better or maybe he would have gotten better, we should have waited till he was done with all the steroids. I feel so guilty, yes he had a lot of health issues but they were under control, his front paw was getting better.... it was all from knee and I'm not even sure how that could have happened because he couldn't walk, I carried him everywhere for 2 months, I even quit my job! I think it was when I put him down gently to pee and he fell... is this all my fault should I have waited? Did I do the right thing? Am I ever going to feel better? I feel sooo horrible.... if anyone took the time out to read this thank you so much, it means more to me than you will ever know.