I miss my big brother

by Megan
(Katonah, NY)


Hi. My name is Megan. I just turned 27 years old and feel my life is in upheaval. My big brother died 1 year and 2 months ago. I feel like I should have progressed more in my healing than I have. Last August I was out for the time of my life with my fiance and best friend, because the next day I was leaving for China to teach English to Preschoolers.

To my bewilderment I got a phone call from my mom telling me my brother was in the ER but would be ok. 15 minutes later she called back with the news that he had died. He was only 32 years old. He had died from a blood clot that traveled to his lungs. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. The rock of our family was gone, forever.

I don't even remember feeling much but shock and awe, numbness. To make matters worse, the next day my best friend found out that he has HIV.

As life goes on, my fiance and I got on a plane and flew to China. I arrived back in the states 4 months later on Christmas day. In China I felt so isolated, with only my fiance who understood my language and what I was going through. Shortly after we got back from China my fiance was presented with a job opportunity in NY that we couldn't pass by in this economy.

When we first moved here I barely left our apartment. I was so sad and didn't really know anyone. Even the people I knew were not close enough for me to share my feelings or anything like that. I definitely did not allow myself to grieve initially, with so many life changes occurring at once. I even find it hard sometimes now.

I've never had problems expressing myself or my feelings in the past, but then again I've never felt anything like this. Also, I don't have much of a support system here. I now worry about my own mortality since my brother died so unexpectedly and young. He had spent so many years in school to become a veterinarian. He had only been in practice for over a year. His life was just beginning.

I feel like I've doomed my own life now. I know all I have to do is change my mind and get back at it, but I just can't seem to do that. I have my bachelors degree and am doing nothing with it, and am instead working in a dead end job at minimum wage. I had planned on going for my master's, but yet here I sit.

I feel pretty lost, with no direction. On a happier note, as of October 9, 2010, I am married! My husband and I are very happy together. I don't know what I would do without him. Looking back though, I feel I preoccupied myself with all of the wedding planning and did not deal with my brother's death for a third time.

It seems like it's hitting me 10-fold now. I feel like everyone else is moving on around me and I'm stuck. I've been in NY for 7 months now and still have no close friends. This is completely opposite of the girl I used to be. It seems I just won't let myself get close to anyone. I've lost the person I look up to, and my best friend is slowly dying. I've thought about seeing a therapist but have no health insurance so cannot afford it. Does anyone have any suggestions??

Comments for I miss my big brother

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Nov 12, 2013
Hi.....
by: Anonymous

My older brother was one of the kind. He never complained about anything minor. He was always supportive of me. Only year and half older than me. He passed away and I can't still look at his live videos. It's been 9 yrs ago and it's not easy. Thought of him makes me cry and sad. He was such an angel. I would of taken his place without question. I. Miss him so much. I wish to see him soon. Hate having my life without him. I miss him......

Sep 06, 2013
You aren't alone sister
by: Emily

Hi,

My brother was killed by a case of terrible circumstances on11/9/2012. I fell into a dark place and I am still trying to make my way out. He was 30 years old, and was just starting a new phase of his life. I am 28 and my seems to be on hold. I think of him every minute of the day. I wish I could talk to him. The way that his life was taken is very hard for me to talk about. I cannot make new friends because I don't know how to be around people that are unaware of what happened. You see his death is in the local news where he died at least once a week, still. I live half way across the country from my closest friends and family. I have a hard time believing that I have the right support system where I live now and I worry that my grief will just get worse or just continue the way it is now. I have a hard time communicating if you haven't already noticed my tangent. I used to be much more articulate.
Anyway, I guess the point that I wanted to make was that it doesn't seem like there a lot of free local resources for grieving siblings. This is the first online place I felt okay with expressing how we should not feel alone when we grieve for our beloved big brothers.
It doesn't seem like there is a grief timeframe, I think I will always be feeling sad about losing my family's rock too.
In the times in between being sad I think it's a good idea to try and find ways to make ourselves happy. I adopted a puppy.

Feb 04, 2013
I just lost my brother to a blood clot
by: Anonymous

I just lost my brother 2 weeks ago to a blood clot that caused a massive stroke. I am at a loss for words. I feel like its groundhog day every day and I am waiting to hear that he's ok.

Jul 15, 2012
My big brother
by: Anonymous

He was killed in a motor accident about 2 years ago. He was 38 and a Dad to two boys - I just really miss him tonight!!!

Jul 06, 2012
Big brother - lost but not deceased
by: Anonymous

I 'lost' my beautiful intelligent, entrepreneurial generous,slightly 'control freak' brother to a stroke/traumatic brain injury just over 18 months ago. He is now trapped inside a physically disabled and severe brain injured body with little hope of any improvement but tragically aware to some extent of the situation he is faced with.
I find it difficult to accept and cope with even now and selfishly desperately miss the support and guidance that has always been there in the past. At 54 years of age, and as a strong individual, I should (and outwardly appear to)be able to cope without him, but my priority will always be to ensure he is cared for and supported the rest of his/my life. His wife is now looking after him but who knows whether that will be maintained - I think it will now, but have had doubts previsouly, with justification.
I love you. x

Jul 06, 2012
Big brother - lost but not deceased
by: Anonymous

I 'lost' my beautiful intelligent, entrepreneurial generous,slightly 'control freak' brother to a stroke/traumatic brain injury just over 18 months ago. He is now trapped inside a physically disabled and severe brain injured body with little hope of any improvement but tragically aware to some extent of the situation he is faced with.
I find it difficult to accept and cope with even now and selfishly desperately miss the support and guidance that has always been there in the past. At 54 years of age, and as a strong individual, I should (and outwardly appear to)be able to cope without him, but my priority will always be to ensure he is cared for and supported the rest of his/my life. His wife is now looking after him but who knows whether that will be maintained - I think it will now, but have had doubts previsouly, with justification.
I love you. x

May 01, 2011
SUDDEN DEATH
by: Anonymous

My older brother died very suddenly too, of a blood clot on the lung. It came as a terrible shock to us all. He was rushed into hospital from work and I visited him that evening. He was fine, chatting and laughing, and insisted it was just a pulled muscle (he had pains in his chest). I went home expecting to hear from him next day. Instead the hospital phoned around 5.00 am to say he'd passed away.

It's just over six months and I'm still heartbroken. I'd always had a belief in there being something after we die (after my Mum died, various members of the family would smell flowers at different times for weeks afterwards) but since my brother died there's been nothing. Tho I keep hoping.

Nov 28, 2010
Check out grief share
by: Barbara

There should be grief share groups that do not cost anything. I think you can find one close to you by putting your zip code in on griefshare.org

When I lived in Colorado I had a lot of help from going to that. I now live in ND and there are no groups anywhere near my small town. I also lost my big brother. Then mom, then dad and latest my husband. Grief share helped me a lot.

Nov 28, 2010
moving on
by: Shirley

Hi Megan...
14 months is not a long time for grieving. There isn't a timeline for it and each person progresses at their own speed.
When I was 20 (I'm 54) I lost my 5 year old little sister. She was killed by a drunk driver. It took me 3 years to even say just her name without crying.
This August I lost my 23 year old son to leukemia. As difficult as it was to lose my sister, losing my son was 10 times worse. The only silver lining is that I know what to expect of grief having been through it once before. I'm not so hard on myself this time and I allow myself to feel the hurt and the pain. I will also allow myself to grieve as long as I need to.
I've also moved to a new area and don't have many friends yet. I moved only a few days before I lost my son. I have a wonderful fiance who is supportive and I've become a "regular" at Compassionate Friends meetings. You might search for a grief support group to attend in your area. They can be helpful. Not only will you meet new people but you'll meet new people who "understand" what you are going through.
I also wouldn't worry about being "different" than you were before your brother died. When we are burned we develop scar tissue. We are us yet we are different. That's ok.
Keep posting here if you can't find anyone to talk to. We have all suffered a loss and we will listen.
Shirley

Nov 24, 2010
Moving Forward...
by:

You need to talk to someone. Feeling so alone in your grief makes maters worse. There should be a free clinic in NY. I am sure your first response is oooooooh I dunno; but they should have grief counselors that can help you through your complicated grief.

Facing grief is not easy, it is a road that we all have traveled here. Keep reading, you will soon find that you are not alone.

I am so glad that your husband has been supportive. He is probably concerned as well since you have changed. But do not despair, We have all changed given our situation. The good thing is that you know that you need to move forward. This does not mean that your grief will disappear but that you can work your way through it and begin to take your life back and be a different person, yet more yourself. Grief changes us all.

I wish you the very best...
HH

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