I miss my big brother
Hi. My name is Megan. I just turned 27 years old and feel my life is in upheaval. My big brother died 1 year and 2 months ago. I feel like I should have progressed more in my healing than I have. Last August I was out for the time of my life with my fiance and best friend, because the next day I was leaving for China to teach English to Preschoolers.
To my bewilderment I got a phone call from my mom telling me my brother was in the ER but would be ok. 15 minutes later she called back with the news that he had died. He was only 32 years old. He had died from a blood clot that traveled to his lungs. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. The rock of our family was gone, forever.
I don't even remember feeling much but shock and awe, numbness. To make matters worse, the next day my best friend found out that he has HIV.
As life goes on, my fiance and I got on a plane and flew to China. I arrived back in the states 4 months later on Christmas day. In China I felt so isolated, with only my fiance who understood my language and what I was going through. Shortly after we got back from China my fiance was presented with a job opportunity in NY that we couldn't pass by in this economy.
When we first moved here I barely left our apartment. I was so sad and didn't really know anyone. Even the people I knew were not close enough for me to share my feelings or anything like that. I definitely did not allow myself to grieve initially, with so many life changes occurring at once. I even find it hard sometimes now.
I've never had problems expressing myself or my feelings in the past, but then again I've never felt anything like this. Also, I don't have much of a support system here. I now worry about my own mortality since my brother died so unexpectedly and young. He had spent so many years in school to become a veterinarian. He had only been in practice for over a year. His life was just beginning.
I feel like I've doomed my own life now. I know all I have to do is change my mind and get back at it, but I just can't seem to do that. I have my bachelors degree and am doing nothing with it, and am instead working in a dead end job at minimum wage. I had planned on going for my master's, but yet here I sit.
I feel pretty lost, with no direction. On a happier note, as of October 9, 2010, I am married! My husband and I are very happy together. I don't know what I would do without him. Looking back though, I feel I preoccupied myself with all of the wedding planning and did not deal with my brother's death for a third time.
It seems like it's hitting me 10-fold now. I feel like everyone else is moving on around me and I'm stuck. I've been in NY for 7 months now and still have no close friends. This is completely opposite of the girl I used to be. It seems I just won't let myself get close to anyone. I've lost the person I look up to, and my best friend is slowly dying. I've thought about seeing a therapist but have no health insurance so cannot afford it. Does anyone have any suggestions??