I miss my brother so much. I'm kind of dying inside .....

by Joe
(Ohio)

I am totally at a loss for what to do. My 49 year old (baby) brother took his own life 3 months ago with a gunshot to the head. He was helpless and hopeless concerning a failed marriage. He was the youngest of 4 brothers and a sister. My parents instilled in us that we were to protect and care for each other. We were or “brother’s keeper”. Knowing he was going through a rough time, all of us tried to “gently” reach out to him without being intrusive. We all made ourselves available to him anytime he needed anything. That has always been the way for out close knit Italian/Catholic family.
Bottom line, I let him down. I saw his cry for help on facebook. I tried to call him and left a voicemail of encouragement because my lunch break was over and I had to get back to work. I later found out that while I was trying to call him was the very second the did what he did. He may or may not have seen my on his caller ID just before he ended it all. I should have been more and done more to help my little brother. I am a total disappointment to him. Ironically, 20 years ago I went through a similarly rough time, and he was there with comfort, support, a spare room and all the encouragement I needed. I am so sorry that I let him down. The pain he must have felt, the aloneness, the desperation, the isolation is beyond my comprehension. We recently lost my dad and have just reconciled that loss. If I could turn back time......

Joe (Chris’ big brother)

Comments for I miss my brother so much. I'm kind of dying inside .....

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Jul 16, 2014
loss of brother
by: brother of william

I thought i was a good brother being many states away and not being told the real truth of my brothers actual health that he would like me to believe probably i knew deep down he was months away from passing away i arranged for him to live with me got him to my house he died 2 weeks later i miss my brother so much he died at 53 years old leaving a 13 year old son i will miss him always my brother William

Jan 31, 2013
to little sister
by: Joe

Little sister,
Thanks for your comments. As the months go by, we find it easier. Maybe because the holidays are done or maybe because I've thrown myself into my work. I know that it still hurts alot. Knowing I can never see him or talk to him is really beyond my comprehension. I know I'm in denial and for now, maybe that's alright. I do know that some day I will have to truly face the loss. I know that will be the healthy thing to do, but for now, I think I'll stay where I am. My prayer are for you and your family. This is a tragedy that no one should ever have to face. I miss my brother. I can honestly say, there is NOT ONE SINGLE DAY that I don't think about him. I just don't dwell on the situation. It's too painful. Pray, pray, pray. If you've never prayed then now is a good time to start.
Can you tell me more about what your brother was like? His hobbies, his music preference, his style of clothing, what he did for a living?????

Jan 31, 2013
i lost my brother to suicide too
by: a little sister

Dear Joe,
I lost my big brother "Joe" in December to suicide. He had been recently separated from his wife and newly sober (from alcohol). For many years before this separation and soberness he had been in a dark place, drowning in his alcohol and pushing all who cared about him away. Then when he became separated from his wife and still decided to work on being sober, we thought we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. He acted out very badly with the relationship being ended by his wife, who had taken a new, younger boyfriend. But at the same time, he came back to us (me his sister, and my parents). He reached out and we were able to help him with certain things and were there for him to talk to. He also has 3 daughters. One terrible morning a couple months ago he went to drop his youngest daughter back at home and found his wife there with her young boyfriend. He took that boy's life, and then took his own. Words cannot express the love I always felt for my big brother, and now words cannot express how painful this all is...I know what you mean when you say it feels like you are dying inside.

Dec 22, 2012
My younger brother did the same thing just 1 month ago
by: Anonymous

Dear Joe-
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sadly and unfortunately walking in your same shoes. My brother Jonas just 45 years old ended his life on November 20th 2012. I am, we are so sad. I also feel like you in that I wish I could have done more for him. I would have done anything for him. In our last conversation 1 week before his passing, I cried to him when I asked him how he was. He said "Ok, pretty good," I cried to him and said, "I know you are lying and I am so sorry you are suffering." It broke my heart to know he was in pain. I changed the subject and tried to sound more upbeat and said, "come to my house, let's spend Thanksgiving together. I will be recovering from ankle surgery so I will just be laying around but we can be together." I regret not speaking to him more about his pain. He ended our conversation by saying so clearly and like never before, "Rachel, I love you." After his passing we found out that he had a rifle in his car that he had purchased few days before our conversation. I felt very heavy after our conversation and when he was missing from work, I knew he was gone. My brother suffered his whole life from anxiety/depression that no doctor or therapist could ever cure. I feel like I will never be the same. Such a hole in my heart. I'm sure you feel the same. I pray for us that we will heal. I send my best wishes to you and your family this holiday season.
Rachel

Dec 20, 2012
I just had the very same thing happen
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous, I am sorry for your loss of your brother recently and the loss of your brother 15yrs. ago. You are a Christian and whilst You don't believe in suicide this is A CRY FOR HELP. Suicide also carries SHAME. Christians go through the same problems and crises as non Christians go through. The more we try to live for God and live a righteous life we will be pursued by Satan and he is the destroyer of life. Where more than one person in a family has taken their own lives needs the intervention of the Pastor and PRAYER. Don't ignore this. One of my relatives dabbled in the occult and opened the door into this realm and so 3 generations of my family have suffered immensely from depression and suicide. A FAMILY CURSE. I tried more than 13 times to end my life. They became strong URGES to die. God knew what I didn't. God put people my way to intervene and DELIVERED me from this STRONGHOLD over my family. I now try to be an AMBASSADOR for God into helping People avoid opening the door to this realm even by reading your horoscope. This is the open door also which I ignorantly used. Where you get divisions in families and also divorce is another ploy of Satan to destroy the family. For me it has been like walking through a hurricane. The force has been strong. don't ignore multiple suicides in families. Get help from the church or a deliverance ministry. REPENTANCE is necessary where one has opened the door into any phase of the occult. Stay close to God and seek the help of the church. Prayer is what is going to deliver us from Satan and his demons. The stronger the christian the greater the struggle. One day our struggles will be over and Jesus will come back to earth to Claim His People.
May we all be Protected and Healed from our Pain and Sorrow and Grief. May we all be SAVED.

Dec 20, 2012
i just had the very same thing happen to me.
by: Anonymous

I was so shocked to read your post. My 50 year old brother just took his life. And he is my baby brother. There are 4 boys and one girl. And he also posted on face book and I also tired to connact with hours of his death. I too do not know if he got my message. I feel I let him down by not getting ahold of him. He also was going through a failed marraige. This happened 1 week ago. I just do not know how to deal with this. We also are a christain family and this has never been something be believe is right to take ones life. Just before christmas this year. The saddest thing about this is I had a brother 15 years ago also take his life the same way with a failed marrige. I feel I let him down too. And again tried to connact him shortly before with no avel. How can I live with this sadness, thanks, broken hearted twice

Dec 03, 2012
I miss my brother so much. I'm kind of dying inside.....
by: Doreen U.K.

Joe I am deeply sorry for your loss of your baby brother Chris to suicide.
Because of the way you are feeling you could greatly benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. This is nearly always needed in cases of death by suicide.
You are all such a loving close knit family which is why you are so very devastated. Chris must have been a private person not wanting to divulge his marriage difficulties. This escalated and caused him a momentary lapse of thought where instead of reaching out to his brother's He CHOSE to end his life from where he was at in his mind. I can feel your anguish. We all feel we could have done more and said more. It is part of our humanity to feel this way.
You called him. You left a message of encouragment. You had to go back to work as a responsible employee. What else could you have done? Don't beat yourself up saying "I am a total disappointment." YOU ARE NOT. You come accross as a caring brother. You are HURT because you could not SAVE YOUR BROTHER. You said you as a family always made yourself available to Chris anytime he needed anything. This doesn't sound like a person who didn't care.
My nephew of 30yrs threw himself in front of an express train. he cried out for HELP! He went to his mother (My sister) She couldn't take him back home. My nephew took a very violent way out. My sister was mad with grief and had to have a grief counsellor come to her home. She was in pieces. She couldn't function. We are a broken family as a result. Our lives will never be the same again.
I tried to save my son from suicide. I was intrusive because I was very worried and couldn't bear the pain of him killing himself. I crossed a boundary and carried his pain. I suffered a boundary injury and I am still suffering the pain of this. I have now let him go back into the same pit I rescued him from. He has to make his own mistakes and learn from them. I hope he makes the right CHOICE and doesn't contemplate suicide. I lost my husband Steve to cancer 7 months ago. He died slowly over 3yrs. My son Chris said to me. MUM "How can I kill myself when my Dad is fighting for his life with cancer." I hope he will remember this when he feels like ending his life. My son Chris's problem is He loves His wife so deeply it hurts him and she is also supporing and more caring of her Ex boyfriend. She crosses a boundary and is blind to what she is doing. She is cruel and callous and if my son Chris ends his life I cannot rescue him. I have to let him go and live his life how he wants. I have been as supportive as I can be. this is all that is humanly possible. Quite often we can do all we can and the person will still end their life. Often we are powerless to stop this. Only Prayer and giving that person to God to hold is all one can do. We all need God's protection over our lives all the time. You need a lot of care and support to get you past feeling as if you are dying inside.

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