I miss my dad

by Katie
(Kingston, NY)

My dad was the best. Growing up the youngest of five girls (I am now 28), I had a great relationship with my dad. I think back on vacations and game days that we used to have. Our whole family, all five girls, their spouses, children, and my parents would get together every Sunday night for dinner.

A lot of people have been writing here about their loved one dying from cancer. My dad dropped dead unexpectedly on December 2, 2009. I had back surgery the week prior to my dad's passing. With my mother-in-law staying with us, (I have an 11 month old son she was helping with), the phone seemed to ring more than usual. The night I received the call from my mother (they were married for 36 years), all I knew is that he had a heart attack. After the 1/2 hour ride to the hospital, I learned that he died.

I don't remember much, although it all seems to be so vivid in my mind. I remember running through the ER to my dad and holding his hand. I pulled my hair and screamed. There was so much that happened that night I couldn't possibly tell it all. I remember the nurses crying right along with us and the priest from the church we have gone to all of our lives being there, and giving my father his last rights.
I remember that night being devastated and having my heart broken in two. This was such a shock, especially since my dad was a marathon runner and a bicyclist. I still cannot believe he is gone. I can't believe he is going to miss my baby's first birthday and first Christmas.

On the bright side, I have to consider that he got to spend his first Thanksgiving with us. It still is not the same. I feel lucky that my dad got to walk all five of us down the aisle at our weddings. He got to see us all buy our first house. He got to see two of us have children and he got to meet three of his grandchildren. He loved them so. When my son was born, he was placed in the NICU, as he was 4 weeks early. I remember my dad being there every day with me. He would go to work and come back in the afternoon after dropping me off in the morning. He was such a good dad, husband, and grandfather.

I Love My Dad and will miss him so much.

I don't know if this sounds corny, but I feel already like my dad is with me. When I put up my artificial Christmas tree (upon much consideration, I realized life has to go on and I really needed to put it up for my son's first Christmas!), I noticed that there was one ornament left on it from last year. More bizarre...it was a dove. A symbol of peace. I felt a sense of peace after that. I really felt like he was with me. Another thing that happened the day I went back to work is that I was talking to my dad, asking him for the strength to help me get through that first day. I was looking at myself in the mirror, crying, when the phone rang. My school (I am a third grade teacher) was on a 2 hour delay. I think my dad knew I wouldn't be able to get through an entire day.

I know these things sound silly, but I believe them, because I want to believe that he is with me. Any suggestions for help would be appreciated. My life has been consumed by this and I feel like it is all I think about. All I see is him lying on the table or in the coffin. I can't stop crying. When I find myself laughing, I stop because I feel guilty. I can feel myself getting down again (In the past I was on anti-depressants and had some psychological problems). I am scared and I don't know what to do.

Comments for I miss my dad

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May 18, 2013
My was my best friend
by: Anonymous

It's been 2 years since Tom, my dad died suddenly from a massive stroke. Up till then he never saw a doctor, and I don't recall him ever being ill. He was a kind man, I still meet people today asking how he is and telling me how he used to dress so nice and always was dropping in for a chat. The night before he died we were at mums and he was offering to help me at work, where I left he stood up and shook my hand , (I can still feel my hand inside his) I said I will try to catch up with him tomorrow, and he replied "we'll see", and smiled.
Mum and I were calling dad for a few days after that, and I guessed he was just busy doing his own thing, we both at different times dropped around to see if he was home, but no answer, and one assed the other had seen him. It wasn't unusual for him to go off walking to town, but without any thought one day I wondered round his house a hesitantly banged on and tried his side door. I found dad inside on the floor of his bedroom. He had been lying there for a number of days deceased. It was a shock and took a few moments to sink in, but I'm glad it was me that found him. Mum and I have trouble letting go as it was such a shock. Dad was a true English gentleman and would help and talk to anyone, he never drank or swore, and I loved him and miss him so much..

Aug 25, 2012
oh, Katie
by: Anonymous

My dear Dad will be dead 4 years in November. I miss him more every day. I find if I sleep in, I start dreaming of him and literally have to make myself wake up.
I have a great husband (who was my Dad's best friend) and two great kids. I feel such regret because my Dad adored them and they are missing out on "being special" to any relative.
I feel such a physical ache. I miss both of my parents, but the loss of my father is so unreal. I have an (much) older brother, but we're not close.
What I'm trying to say is I feel your pain. I can't really dwell on this around my children and good friends. My heart aches and aches...I miss my Dad and my Mom and all the memories.
I just wish my kids had the love, support & memories I had. If you want to get in touch...
Anne

ocean.blue@myfairpoint.net

Aug 14, 2010
1.04pm 14th August 2010
by: Jessamy

My mum rang me from Portugal today and I just knew..dad was supposed to be going back to their lovely Algarve retreat today from hospital all well..but he died this morning instead. I wanted to just transport myself immediately to be with her but I couldn't...and ..hells bells..passport sent for renewal and despite sobbing on the phone cannot get it sooner than Monday.

Have spent the day breaking the news to my daughter, sister and brother and trying to sort a flight for Monday night.

Intermittently I have sobbed..told him I was not ready for him to go and been a bit miffed he could not hang on til my passport arrived.

My dad was a hero..fit as a flea though obviously not as fit as I had hoped.. he used to do special effects on films and was originally a dancer from South Africa. I can't stop talking to him today as I want to say some stuff ..just that I love him, he was a great dad and I hope I made him proud. I wish I could have said goodbye xxx

Feb 14, 2010
Alone
by: Anonymous

I miss my dad so much, my mum died when I was young and him being around made me feel she was with us. Now I feel I have also lost my mum again. We never talk about them which i find so hard. I think it is because we do not want to upset each other. I know I should move on but I really miss their support and love.

Jan 23, 2010
My Dad is with me too.
by: Anne

My Dad passed away on the 5th July, 2009. I took him to hospital for a knee operation. He survived the operation but got a heart attack 36 hours later. I was with him for six hours before he slipped away. He was my best pal.

He did every possible thing for me when he was here and now that he is gone is still looking after me. I miss him so much. I visit him every day and talk to him. When I went to him on New Year's day I asked him to give me a sign that he was ok; I had hoped that knowing that would make it easier for me. I went back the following day with fresh flowers, as his Christmas ones were not too good. As I settled the flowers, a little robin flew in beside me and settled on the headstone next to Dad. I burst out crying, as I knew it was Dad telling me he was OK. I am still very sad but I know he is happy.


Jan 13, 2010
me too
by: Cheri

I know how it feels to cry every day. Yesterday I cried for an hour straight as my husband had brought my dad's remains to the house. That was the final reality check for me. The sadness will not leave for a long time. And, I, like yourself feel him with me all the time. I talk to him alot and ask for his guidance on different situations, and feel like he is speaking through me sometimes. I also cannot get out of my head seeing him in the hospital for those 11 days, however, pictures of him help to erase it for the time being.

There is nothing more painful that seeing your loved one pass. I have no regrets in our relationship, so I am hoping the healing will be easier. I actually did lunch with him on the day of his accident. You hang in there and just keep praying for the comfort and guidance you will need in the many months to come.
God Bless.

Jan 12, 2010
I know how you feel
by: richard

My Father died sept 17 1996 of lung and liver cancer, a day after my birthday. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him; life is funny you just never know. I miss him, he wasn't the lovey, hug, cuddle type; he was tough, rugged the past made him that way. Don't get me wrong he wasn't mean, I never saw him cry or hurt my whole life until he died. And that was hard, it was a fight he couldn't win. So I guess what I'm saying is make every day count with the ones you love.

Jan 05, 2010
It sounds so familiar
by: Anonymous

My dad also died suddenly of a heart attack on November 17, 2009. He was 63 and he and my mom were married 40 years. We are all just devastated. I can relate to so much of what you say and I just want to tell you that you are not alone. I have read a whole bunch of grief books that you can easily find at the bookstore, but my therapist recommended a book called "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. It's not really a grief book but is about turning something distressing into a life transformation, and I think it has a lot to offer a child who has lost a parent.

Please take care of yourself!
--Wendy

Dec 23, 2009
Thank You and I am so sorry
by: Anonymous

I read your post and I cried. I am so sorry for your loss. I thought of my own parents and how I need to appreciate them as much as I can.

I also thought of my 9 yr old daughter and re-appreciated her and want to be the dad to her that your dad was to you. She is a precious little gift from God.

I came to this website today as a single dad raising two great kids and after having a 1 yr relationship with a girl I loved end a just few days ago. The pain is deep, but I am committed to growing from and through this and remembering how blessed I am to have a daughter and my parents, has helped me. I thank you for your post. Love those close to you with all your heart....

Dec 20, 2009
I too have been here!
by: Tanya

I lost my mom back in 2005, the same way you lost your dad. So quick, no goodbyes, no more nothing. It really tore me up! I got the call from my sister to get to the hospital and they were picking me up! She died from a massive heart attack at 54. Too young, too healthy!

Funny how life throws curve balls like that. I remember seeing her in that room! Hooked up to things and not moving! My father and sister hovering over her crying. Very vivid pictures that do go away from the mind. As you said, I too went on for my kids and my father. She got to see all the things too, our weddings, our children, and our first home. I am blessed to have had her for those.

This will get better and you will eventually be able to tell your child all the wonderfull things about your father. He is with you and I promise it will get better. Value his memory and breathe thru all the obstacles ahead. Many blessings and a peacefull heart filled with fond memories of your father.

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