I miss my dad
by Katie
A lot of people have been writing here about their loved one dying from cancer. My dad dropped dead unexpectedly on December 2, 2009. I had back surgery the week prior to my dad's passing. With my mother-in-law staying with us, (I have an 11 month old son she was helping with), the phone seemed to ring more than usual. The night I received the call from my mother (they were married for 36 years), all I knew is that he had a heart attack. After the 1/2 hour ride to the hospital, I learned that he died. I don't remember much, although it all seems to be so vivid in my mind. I remember running through the ER to my dad and holding his hand. I pulled my hair and screamed. There was so much that happened that night I couldn't possibly tell it all. I remember the nurses crying right along with us and the priest from the church we have gone to all of our lives being there, and giving my father his last rights. I remember that night being devastated and having my heart broken in two. This was such a shock, especially since my dad was a marathon runner and a bicyclist. I still cannot believe he is gone. I can't believe he is going to miss my baby's first birthday and first Christmas. On the bright side, I have to consider that he got to spend his first Thanksgiving with us. It still is not the same. I feel lucky that my dad got to walk all five of us down the aisle at our weddings. He got to see us all buy our first house. He got to see two of us have children and he got to meet three of his grandchildren. He loved them so. When my son was born, he was placed in the NICU, as he was 4 weeks early. I remember my dad being there every day with me. He would go to work and come back in the afternoon after dropping me off in the morning. He was such a good dad, husband, and grandfather. I Love My Dad and will miss him so much. I don't know if this sounds corny, but I feel already like my dad is with me. When I put up my artificial Christmas tree (upon much consideration, I realized life has to go on and I really needed to put it up for my son's first Christmas!), I noticed that there was one ornament left on it from last year. More bizarre...it was a dove. A symbol of peace. I felt a sense of peace after that. I really felt like he was with me. Another thing that happened the day I went back to work is that I was talking to my dad, asking him for the strength to help me get through that first day. I was looking at myself in the mirror, crying, when the phone rang. My school (I am a third grade teacher) was on a 2 hour delay. I think my dad knew I wouldn't be able to get through an entire day. I know these things sound silly, but I believe them, because I want to believe that he is with me. Any suggestions for help would be appreciated. My life has been consumed by this and I feel like it is all I think about. All I see is him lying on the table or in the coffin. I can't stop crying. When I find myself laughing, I stop because I feel guilty. I can feel myself getting down again (In the past I was on anti-depressants and had some psychological problems). I am scared and I don't know what to do.
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